Psalm 62:8

Trust in him at all times, you people;

    pour out your hearts to him,

    for God is our refuge.

Psalm 62:8

2015 was a big year for me. Lots of things were happening and some of the people in my life I usually go to with big things on my heart weren't there in a way I needed them to be. Not in a bad way, but because there were things I hadn't felt before and didn't know how to verbalize it, I just didn't know where to go. It also wasn't stuff that needed a resolution so much as I just needed to let it out. So, I went to God. 

You know what's good about that? I can tell Him anything, I don't have to carefully choose my words, and I don't have to leave certain parts of the story out - He already knows. He doesn't talk back, He responds. And it feels so good to be able to put it all out there. 

It's hard sometimes, when there is so much running through my head. I have trouble focusing. Because of this, I type out a lot of my prayers on the blog and leave them as drafts. I can type a lot faster than I can write and maintain my train of thought (or go back to it when I get off on a tangent). 

The nature of my prayers have changed drastically lately. I really want to sit down and pray for things that are unsettled right now, but I want to focus on other things in my life at this moment. That is the beauty of listening to God. I wake up and peek at the skyline and thank Him for this beautiful day and this beautiful life. I know that feeling could change at any moment, but I am feeling content, and no matter what happens as the day unfolds, I have that bit of contentment each morning. 

People keep telling me how good I've been looking lately. It's true. These past few months, I have been relishing this sparkle I have back. I noticed it back when the man and I went to Auburn the first time. It wasn't because of him so much, as it was because of God's faithfulness. 

The months between us meeting and that quick Auburn trip were mostly filled with a lot of anguish. I didn't like it. I didn't like being so wound up over a person, especially a person I barely knew. I didn't like the tease of a possible relationship and it not happen, yet again. I didn't like not having an outlet for those feelings. I didn't like how this one person sparked so much change in my life.

I want to be very clear. I didn't make those changes for him. I made them for me. I had a te-niny sample of a life I never imagined, but always wanted. And I knew the life I was living wasn't going there. For a long time, I yearned for a simpler life, but some way or another, I kept digging myself deeper and deeper into an abyss of complication. I channeled all that anguish into energy to move forward in my life. I took a huge leap of faith. I trusted that if I got rid of the stuff in my life that was contributing to holding me back, I would be blessed with a reward better than my dreams.

I began moving forward, but I don't know what direction I'm going. 

Sometimes, it's scary and I doubt it. Sometimes, it's frustrating and I get overwhelmed. But I am living the dream. 

I've learned how to listen. I've learned how to trust timing. I've learned how to be at peace with things not happening the way I want.

And it's all because I met a guy, a boy died, and I decided to get rid of my stuff. 

Actually, it's because I met a guy, a boy died, and I took refuge in God's love and found myself in a different kind of relationship that I had only read and heard about. I learned the art of listening to God. I learned the art of embracing the not good things that happen. 

There is so much to be done, and there is so much I would rather be doing at any moment. But, if I can't do what I want, I distract myself by doing what needs to be done that can be done. 

You know that line in "Me and Bobby McGee," "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose?"

I completely understand it.

When you're content, you're free from the bondage of society. When you're content, nothing can be taken from you that you don't need.

That doesn't mean there won't be pain, that doesn't mean there won't be loss, that doesn't mean it's all easy. Society and human nature trick us into believing happiness is our ultimate goal and we need things to be happy. 

The pursuit of happiness is bullshit. 

The pursuit of happiness isn't even on my radar anymore. 

When I learned to embrace the not good, I became aware of even more goodness. When I accepted the feelings that made me uncomfortable, I became aware of a high stronger and better than anything I've ever imagined. 

I grew up with an emotionally abusive alcoholic father. I grew up with a toxic parental relationship (and still deal with it from my mother). I was bullied when I got moved to another side of town, and the bullying continued for several years. I was silenced whenever I tried to express pain (basically, "get over it"). I suffered from anxiety and depression. People make decisions for me without my consent. I battled autoimmune diseases for most of my twenties. Three out of four of my grandparents had Parkinson's Disease, and all four of them had bad circumstances leading to their deaths. My father died when I was twenty. I had my gall bladder removed and have to deal with the repercussions of that for the rest of my life. And I could go on and on. 

All things considered, until this year, I came out of all that pretty well. I have made my peace with loss and all the not good things. They happened. I look at it, and I acknowledge it, and I move forward. 

That being said, those things contribute to who I am. I still deal with being afflicted by them. But that stuff doesn't get to hold me back from living. 

The great purge is still continuing. It's a process. It's hard to get rid of things that came into my life with good intentions. (So, for anyone considering a massive purge, I recommend getting rid of things a little at a time. When you have trouble letting something go, just put it back in its place for a little while, until you're ready to let it go. You'll know when the time is right. Also, it helps to give things with more sentimental value to people who will appreciate it the same way you do.) I got rid of so much stuff in February, stuff that I just didn't need, before I became inspired to mindfully purge. Then I decided to do the purge and I got rid of a bunch more stuff. I moved with the intention of not bringing anything into the house I didn't want. Guess what happened? More purging, that took up more than a hallway. It's January 2 and I already have a good pile starting. 

In all honesty, I'm probably at the tip of the iceberg. There's more in this life I live holding me back than I like to admit. I saw the following quote on Wild Woman Sisterhood the other day and it really spoke to me, in terms of what I've been doing with my life lately.

Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.

I have started peeling back the layers. I've stuck with counseling for nearly two years. I'm digging deep, little by little. I'm purging the stuff. I'm mindful of the cocktail of my state of mind and my surroundings. I challenge myself. I accept that I don't have to be a certain anything. 

And you know what? I am content. I like the mindset I'm in. I like where I am, I like the idea of where I'm going (even though I still have no clue what direction it is). And it's all because I chose to pour it out to God. 

Oh, what a year!

I think missing last year's year-in-review was a rather good indication of how the year went and where life was going at that time. I couldn't bring myself to process the year and I didn't have the time to do it.

Finally. Finally. I am getting to that point where I can see the light again. It's been a while.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it. The past several years have been like a wild ride that seemed to never end. Part of it is wisdom and maturity, part of it is determination and courage, and part of it is God, but I am in a totally different place in life than I have ever been. I don't really want to say that I've successfully taken my life back, because, really, I've just learned how to take what is given to me and embrace it, but I have taken control as far as not allowing others to have as much control. It's between me and God right now and I am so, so good with that.

So, let's begin.

January - Went to first college bowl game, the Birmingham Bowl, to see Florida beat East Carolina University. Go Gators! Chomp, chomp! Gamma died. Tedeschi Trucks concert. Saw TUB for the first time. Started staying out past my bedtime.

February - Met a fine specimen of a good, strong, tall, Southern, Auburn fan man. Best friend's four year old son died. Work got moody.

March - Work still moody. Man ends our little fling. Got pink hair. Raging flare up - what else is new? Oh, this one came with lactose intolerance.

April - Happy birthday to me! Really sad about the man fling. Auburn. Decided to change my life as I knew it.

May - That was a blur. Sold my first AU condo. Met another guy. Nothing materialized. Was on Talk of Alabama, promoting Dirty Hippie.

June - Also, a partial blur. Closed on a new AU condo, went to ATL to see the Rolling Stones. Saw DMB at Tuscaloosa Ampitheatre (it was there I realized I could eat dairy again. yay!). Closed on a new condo in BHM. Def Leppard and Styx concerts.

July - Moving. Started allergy shots again. Really getting into this floating in the pool and working on my tan thing. Iris Dement show at WorkPlay.

August - Continued to work on tan. TUB played at Dirty Hippie. Got a new car, Foxy II. Dinner at Ruth's Chris. Things finally started turning around with the state of friendship between that man and I. Hard Working Americans.

September - Lady Antebellum. AU with the man. Van Halen. AU with the man. Realized my autoimmune symptoms were beginning to disappear.

October - Started moving the store. Alabama concert. Started falling hard. Rusted Root, man! Lost my first friend to death. As in, the first person relatively close to my age, who I was currently friends with.

November - Finished moving store. Work began to suck again. .

December - Work still sucked (honestly, I really do love my job. It just takes up so much time I'm not used to spending up and it frustrates me). Got Christmas early and it was the best gift ever, so far :) Christmas, cousin time, Birmingham Bowl to cheer on my AUBURN TIGERS! (War Eagle!), couch toured Widespread's NYE run, decided to name those new year's wishes to candles and blow them out on a cake.

Happy New Year, Y'all.

Love. Success. Health.

On Facebook the other day, I saw a crossword puzzle with the caption "the first three words you see will come to you in 2016," or something to that effect.

First thing I saw was love. Boom! It immediately popped out.

I had to look a little harder, but success came next, and immediately after, health.

I will take it. I know a little crossword puzzle activity on Facebook isn't going to bring anything to my life, except maybe some encouragement for positive thinking, but it did make me think about my wishes for this upcoming year.

Love. Of course. I have grown so much this past year, and it's mostly due to love. It's been difficult these past several years. I've got so much love to give, and I'm not afraid of it, but what I've learned this year is God is still making me into the person that will be the best wife for my best match. It's tough sometimes when the yearning takes over and I can't get it out of my head. The past two days, my talks with God have consisted of so many thank you-s. Just "thank you," repeated over and over. I'm thankful for my life. I'm thankful for the future, where promises will be fulfilled. I'm thankful for my health. I'm thankful for the present. I'm thankful for how it's all come together. So, yes, I hope that this will be the year I, at least, get my husband. But more than that, I hope this is the year that love will continue to grow.

Peace. I've been filled with peace lately. Just an absolute, worry free, content, confident peace. I like it. And I hope that peace will also continue to grow.

Growth. I've grown a lot this year. I met a man, I hit a rock bottom I never imagined feeling. I drew myself closer to God. I got rid of a lot of stuff. I simplified (and continue to do so). And I have that man back in my life. I didn't do it to get him back, but I did it because I knew if it wasn't him, there would be someone better, and if I wanted him that badly and wanted to just be able to soak up all the love with him, I had to get my life in order so that I could have all that free time for all the love. I want that connection with God to grow. He really showed me His faithfulness this year, and I am ready to see what He has in store, as well as grow that relationship. Good things really do come out of challenging yourself.

Organization. I really want my organized life back. The more organized I am, the more time I have to follow my heart.

Create. I want to create things all. the. time. I want to cook, craft, make a home, make babies (when the time is right), grow Dirty Hippie in the direction of my vision for it, curate my life in the way it's supposed to be. I want to be a part of something. Do for others.

Time. I want time on my side. This past year flew by. Eleven months ago today, the weekend that changed my world happened. It's been an absolute whirlwind. So whirl-y that I got overwhelmed often and just had to cry and hope time would slow down, just so I could catch up and put stuff to bed.

Ink. I haven't gotten a tattoo in two years. I've got some catching up to do. I have four in mind right now, three of which should be able to be done in one sitting.

Live. Because I've spent the past nearly nine years fighting with my body, and now I am feeling so good. The other day, I did a lot of heavy lifting. I did things I never thought I'd be able to do again. Ever. I mean, I thought it was a distant memory of being able to do that kind of work. And I was so, so, so sore, but it wasn't a bad sore. It wasn't a kind of sore that was holding me back. It was a kind of sore that felt good. Because it felt so good, I'm going to start kicking my own ass as often as I can just so I can soak up that great feeling.

Experience. Feel, Soak up every moment. Savor it. Don't just go through the motions of doing.

And I think love, success, and health will all come to me, given that list of words to focus on this year.

That being said, as for the silly little things that just make life sweeter, I wish for ...

A Tom Petty concert
Lots of road trips
A beach vacation
An amazing camping experience
Epic Widespread Panic tour dates all around (and all the means to make some shows every tour)

Torn?

I mostly completed my year-in-review earlier today. And then I went to happy hour (because that is rare these days). I had every intention of couch touring Widespread Panic from home, but I stayed and did it from Oasis, until I decided to be an adult and go home to sleep because I'm going to see my Auburn Tigers play in the Birmingham Bowl tomorrow. At 11:00 AM. It was tough. To "couch tour" at the bar, to go to Dave's and see Elijah Butler Band, or to go home and go to bed to wake up early and do the football thang. Decisions, decisions ... And I chose home.

It's been a year, y'all, and it's looking insanely up right now.

You know the superstitions about leaving your tree up past the New Year? About bringing the luck of the last year into the new?

Well, I've seen a lot of bad this past year. A terrible amount of bad. But, I've also seen so much good. And I wouldn't have seen any of that good if it hadn't been for all the bad.

My last grandparent died. A four and a half year old boy died. I felt heartache like I have never felt before. Work stress. A friend died. I felt the fear of the heartache repeating itself.

But, I actually colored my hair pink. I felt the energy of love surge through so many people. I know a different kind of true love. I am living the dream, in terms of a job, I met a great person full of love and life. I know contentment. I am so insanely in love, in a kind of love that just is. A kind of love that is simple and will be what it is meant to be when it is meant to be, yet has such strong feelings and emotions associated with it. I know what the oxytocin high feels like, and it is a better feeling than anything. So good, so amazing, that words do not exist to describe it.

WP just covered "I Can See Clearly Now," followed by "Sitting in Limbo." I feel that 2016 is going to be a good year. It's not simply hoping it will be a good year, but knowing it will be. It's gonna be a bright sunshine-y year. And sitting in limbo is not a bad thing anymore. It's presence. It's contentment.

So, do I take the trees down or keep them up?

Honestly, it doesn't matter. God has a plan. And He has a great one. One better than my dreams. And I am so ready to experience it. And the trees are some of the things that set the mood for all the love this season.

A tribute to my grandparents

Grandparents are special, y'all. I have been blessed to know and remember all four of mine. And my relationship with all four of them was so different, yet instilled in me so much.

My Grandaddy - I had the shortest amount of time with him, as he passed away due to complications from Parkinson's disease sixteen years ago. In our time together, he was probably one of the biggest influences in my love for Auburn. He taught me the value of hard work and sacrificing yourself so your future generations don't have to experience such hardships.

My Papa - He taught me unconditional love for his family. He may not have approved of everything I did in my life, but I felt as if he trusted my judgment. And I know if I royally messed up, he would have been there to pick up the pieces. He showed me leadership and how to be a class act at all times. (Not that I always use that wisdom.)

My Granny - She taught me the art of loving others through food. Food was always the center of our time together growing up. She nurtured my love for crafting and creativity (even if she didn't approve of how I always expressed it, ahem, tattoos) and she gave me my sass. And she would always be there to keep me together when I had a broken heart - whether it was health problems, boys, friends, or some random person doing me wrong.

My Gamma - Her kitchen was like the brain of the house. All home operations came out of there - meal preparation, planning, preparing. She showed me that an ideal housewife was way more than a woman who sat at home and did nothing but spend her husband's money. She set the standard for my wifely aspirations - keep the home organized and running, nourish your family, be available for others in need.

With Gamma's passing in January, I am now without any of my grandparents. As much as I would love just a little more time to pick their brains for wisdom, encouragement, and instruction, I feel the power of them all together, all of their energies united for their loved ones still on this earth.

I hope I can honor their memories and carry on their legacy in a way that embodies their spirits and would make them proud. And I am so grateful for all they gave me so I have the opportunity to do so.

stuff

I feel so much better after getting all those thoughts out. I really struggled with keeping them as drafts or actually posting them here. Lately, I've been hyper cautious about expressing myself, but at the same time, it's been causing me to bottle up my feelings (thus creating the vicious cycle of anxiety and over thinking and not being able to function because I don't have any room to process simple tasks). I figured I could also just tell people to read it so we don't have to waste so much time talking about it all. Honestly, every time I tell it, I feel like I'm beating a dead horse and I'm so sick of hashing it out and wasting time on it. I'm ready to start acting on it all.

I am actually looking forward to being back in Birmingham. I hope when I get back I can maintain the clarity I have right now and be able to balance the work-personal-home dynamic. I hope people will support me in this decision. They don't have to agree with my choices, but as long as they support me trying to better myself. I'm resisting the urge to go back and get started before I head to Atlanta, but I'm supposed to look at new places to live in Auburn on Tuesday, and when I get that straightened out, I'll know more about where some stuff will go. After all the number crunching, and as much as I could just let the Auburn place go, it costs so little to keep a place here, it's kind of worth it. I am down here so much during football season and having a little vacation property only two hours away from Birmingham, so I can get away whenever time frees up, I think it's worth keeping. No hotel check in and out times, I can bring as many people as the place and vehicle(s) will fit, I can bring whatever animals I want - it's all there and ready for me when I can do it.

I started making a list of mantras and encouragement to refer to every time I doubt myself. And none of them have to do with "I will get what my heart desires when I've done this." I think that's one of the most encouraging things for me right now, since I mentioned previously I was concerned with ulterior motives, that while hopeful and honest, were not good reasons to take this on and could lead to much heartache.

I think one of the reasons I've had so much trouble functioning is because I have so much stuff. I don't know where to put it and it has gotten so out of control, I can't even put my thoughts and feelings in order. I know I don't need it all, and I won't get rid of the stuff I don't need, but really want to keep for the future. Maybe it will go to storage. Maybe when I finally get the needs organized and the let-it-go stuff out of my life, a place will open up for it to be with me. Maybe even I'll have time to enjoy it!

I started my moving and getting rid of it plan. When I was in college, I didn't have much stuff, and I didn't have much room, but I had everything I needed (and some what I didn't need). I creatively used what I did have to create modular stations to dedicate to the tasks at hand. If college was one of the best times of my life, why not bring back parts of those days to my new, simple life?

As for the house in Birmingham, that will be the biggest thing. It's going to be hard to let all that space go. It could be really useful. But I know I dread working through it when I have time and I know when things get crazy, I tend to just throw things somewhere out of the way and never go back to them. There's a lot of out-of-the-way room in that house. I also dread finishing the house. All it needs is tub hardware, hook up the tub and sink, and put a counter topper on the built-ins in the closet.

I don't think my moose head will fit anywhere in my rental property, and I'm really going to miss it for now, but I know it will live somewhere with me again someday.

So, the big house and the moose, those are my hang ups right now. And as much as I love the feel in the current house, and as much as it would be nice to keep, I know I just have to let it go. The several thousand a month it's costing me to not enjoy it doesn't justify it. Of course, once I simplify, I could always begin to enjoy it better, but I don't know. I do know I miss waking up with the sun every morning.

Money. Sun. Natural waking pattern. Simple life. I can do this.

Turn and face the strange, Part 3

I've always known I want to be married and have a family of my own. That's all I've pretty much wanted as long as I can remember. I've been planning my wedding since I was five years old. The older I get, the more strongly I want it. And the more guys I meet and things are basically DOA, I can't help but wonder, "why?"

I know that God wired me the way I am for a reason. I know he gave me desires that will be fulfilled. I know it will all come to me in His timing.

God has blessed me so immensely. He has given me resources to be able to take care of myself through all my hurdles. I haven't always used them wisely. But because of His grace, I am forgiven. I am given more and more chances to learn how to use them wisely and am able to learn along the way how to use them appropriately.

He has given me love and support from my family and friends so I do not feel alone on this earth.

He has given me bad experiences so I learn and appreciate the good.

I just keep taking all he gives and using it as if I take it for granted. I don't use it enough in a way to honor and glorify Him.

During Lent, people take on challenges through giving up something(s) or taking on others. At face value, it seems like people give something up as a ritual. It's not that simple. It's about the discipline God wants us to get out of it. While I decided to get rid of the excess during this past Lent, like I've said before, this is something that is going to take longer than 40 days. The discipline of it began during Lent, but the discipline needs to continue.

I'm not saying that getting rid of what I don't need and what doesn't contribute to my life in a positive way is going to get me my husband. I don't believe it will or won't happen because I did that. But I do know when the time is right, I will be able to fully enjoy it.

Where I am right now is to sell my house and move into my rental property. I don't know when that will happen, and I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to do so, but I'm working towards it. This is a HUGE leap of faith I'm taking. I know that God will give me everything I need and He will protect me. I know he won't give me a struggle I can't handle.

Rationally, this makes a lot of sense. Doing this will allow me to invest in my future relationship. I won't have an income loss of several thousand dollars every month. I will have more money to put towards the business and I will have less to handle in my personal life so I can put the energy I need into the business and relationship I desire (that may or may not happen soon, if ever). When the time comes for marriage, we'll have a property we can either sell or rent (and hopefully, at that time, it will be income producing so that we can ease the burden of a large expense).

Emotionally, this is not going to be easy. Others will get hurt. I will be reminded of my waste. I'm going to have to face some ugly. Whenever I desire more, whenever I feel discontent, I will be reminded of what I don't have, whether it's something I could give myself or not. And I will always wonder, especially during the rough times, if I gave it all up for nothing. If I gave it all up for a dream that won't be fulfilled. But, that is the nature of faith. That is the curse of being human. I don't know. I have a lot of control I am relinquishing to God, to something I can't see, but I know is there. (And typing this now, I wonder if He really is there. And then I think of how blessed I am and I remember all His promises.)

There was a long period in my life when I didn't go to church. I've always believed in God. I was raised going to church. And then I stopped. It didn't feel right and it wasn't getting me where I felt I should be with it. I tried off and on through the years, but it never felt right. So I did the "church of Paige" thing, where I had my own relationship with God, in my own way. Eventually, it just wasn't enough to sustain me and I needed more help. So, I started going to church again. I found a church in a nearby neighborhood and I feel like I am getting out of it what I need. Some Sundays, I don't always get the, "Wow! I needed to hear that!" feeling, but most Sundays I attend, there is something that resonates with me.

Last week, the scripture was about "do not leave Jerusalem." To me, that meant don't leave Birmingham. I had to really process that one. I had this trip to Auburn and Atlanta planned. I'm in Auburn now, so I "left Jerusalem," but I didn't leave permanently. I left so that I could clear my head, so I could handle some business down here. I'm going to Atlanta to make professional contacts (and I'm wrapping it up with a Bob Dylan concert, so there is a little fun in it for me). I'm doing this so it isn't hanging over my head.

While I've been in Auburn, I've gotten this series of posts written, helping me process all my feelings. I'm clearing the noise from my head so I can listen to where I need to be. There is so much I can't control hovering over me. And I am so, so scared.

I'm scared to let go of the life I have created. I'm scared to let go of stuff. I'm scared of how I will feel in hindsight. I'm scared I'm going to get rid of something I need. I'm scared I'm going to miss something. I'm scared I will never be fulfilled. I'm scared that, deep down, deeper than I'm willing to search, I am ultimately doing this as a bargain with God, and I'm simply justifying it with the intent of making more responsible choices for a better future (am I doing this in hopes of being so consumed with a family, the love is pouring out of my nostrils, as God promised the Israelites when they were sick of the manna and wanted meat? yes, a little). I'm scared of the upcoming struggle. I'm scared I will fail. And I'm dreading the process.

But I know that I am going into this with good intentions. And I know that this, as huge a step as it is, is only a step in the journey. I have a lot more to work on myself than just this. But I am only taking on this step at this time. If I am able to better myself in other ways as I go through this, that's great. If not, that will be next. I just hope the end result is worth it. I just hope that being released from the responsibility and burdens I have put on myself, with hopes of bettering my life, will be enough of a reward and everything else that comes will be dessert.

I've learned the hard way that certain things just aren't as awesome as they sound. I have been so broken along the way. But God has kept me together so far and will keep me together enough to get through. Big changes are coming and the unknown is scary, but I know that I will be fulfilled.