Swan song of my 20's

Y'all, it's happening. This is the last full week before I turn 30. Twenties, I had some grand plans for you.

I thought I'd be married and have half a litter of babies by now. (I could go through the list of the guys I thought I would be married to and all the baby names, but, honestly, a couple of those guys I'd like to erase from my history, and the baby names are still possibilities, so I'm not burying those yet. Speaking of burying the dream, I'm giving myself until 40 before I get rid of the baby things I have stored away for when that day comes. Unless my thirties blesses me with regenerated youth I lost in my twenties, I don't see myself with itsy-bitsies at 40. Right now, it's just not for me.)

I thought I'd be a teacher, politician, non-profit director, small business owner, professor, lawyer, massage therapist, and probably a gazillion other things. (Technically, I am a small business owner, it's just not doing any business since I'm too busy with volunteer work and family and friends, and in the interest of full disclosure, traveling when I can, to actually launch. And, I am in leadership positions, so that's a start in politics.)

Seven years ago, I decided if the Space-man and I were still together, we would take a cruise to Europe, fiddle-dee-dee around there for a few months and cruise back. For his 50th and my 30th. Honestly, that's okay. He's a great friend and all, but I'm glad I had the wherewithal to finally end things with him after he told me he would marry me, then, after the fact, was "blessed" with a convenient bout of "alcohol-induced amnesia". Yes, that's really what happened. I'm going to say it, once and for all, I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he let his issues with believing he doesn't deserve anything get in the way of us. (And, OMG, I feel so good right now, putting that out there. It's not exactly a huge secret, but it's not like anyone has actually said it, in those words, yet.)

Here's the thing I struggle with: my health issues. Six years ago, I was at the point where I was so nauseated, I would rather hang out by the toilet than go to class. It was ugly. And pathetic. And sad. Really, really, sad. The best thing to come out of it all was I do what I want and I am more assertive than ever. I live when I feel like it. I might be a flaky person with no direction, a jane-of-all-trades, a master of none, but it's kind of okay.  I put what I knew about being assertive to work. I might battle nausea nearly daily and I might have crazy food intolerances that make going to the grocery store exhausting, but honestly, it just sucks. I'm over it. The nausea, fatigue, pain, weakness, the surgery scars (both physical and mental), constant monitoring of my stress and where my phenergan is, which doctor to see now, which doctor appointment when, now the reflux. I. AM. OVER. IT. There is no diagnosis, just managing the symptoms.

Yeah, I have two homes, a loving family, great friends, a stellar volunteer career. I've read, I've traveled around the Southeast a little bit. I buy what inspires me. I have a closet full of clothes, shoes, and accessories I never wear, and definitely don't need. I have four cats and a dog. I have storage units with furniture, home decor, party supplies, art supplies, whatever. I have books to read for the next decade (or year ... haha!). I am passionate about healthcare advocacy. But none of that will ever, ever, ever, EVER give me my 20's back.

I could say I would give up ever getting married or being a mommy to have my health, but, honestly, that's not true. Because if I felt well, I would definitely want those things more than ever because I'd really feel how much I was missing them. I can tell you though, if I just had one home, my animals, my friends and family, my books and art supplies, my Barbie collection, just enough furniture and decor to furnish the home, and just enough of a wardrobe to have clothes for two weeks each season, I would totally give up the extra possessions to feel better.

Most of my friends are past 30, and even 40. Some past 50 and 60. Turning 30 isn't a big deal. It's that I was robbed of my 20's due to illness. And an illness with no name, and no cure, at that. When there is no diagnosis, there is no path to follow for treatment. It is guess and check all the way. And all that guessing and checking is exhausting.

I'm going to tell you this, if your 20's are supposed to suck compared to your 30's, bring it on, 30. And I don't want to even think about or need phenergan or doctors' appointments ever again. 

Not enough hours in a day, days in a week

I used to be all kinds of organized and on top of everything. My day planner went with me everywhere (and my ENT would make fun of me and tell me to lighten up when he saw it) and it was actually filled out.

I think things started going downhill when I got sick. When I had more doctors to visit than just he ENT. I didn't have much on the calendar back then, considering I was usually hanging out at home, in bed, on the sofa, or by the toilet.I got sick of feeling sick everyday, so I did my best to just chug through it. If I was going to feel like crap everyday, I might as well feel like crap while doing something productive. So, I ended up with three jobs. And, someway, I was still fairly organized.

Then I had surgery, decided to move to Auburn, lived in both Auburn and Birmingham for three and a half years and here I am, absolutely out of control. (Or so it feels.)

My day planner still goes with me most places, but remembering to put things in it or consult it ... yeah, right.

The sad thing about this is it's just me and the animals I have to wrangle these days. No kids, no multiple jobs, just me. And for some reason, I can't get it together. I know putting a stamped envelope in the mail is pretty simple and will take less than a minute, but remembering to is a whole different story.

I'm a hot mess, but I'm working on it.

I would like to blame it on being overwhelmed. Social networking, the internet, Brickbreaker on the BlackBerry, television to catch up on - they're all much more exciting than sitting down and filing. But I have to get back into a regular schedule and get all kinds of OCD again.

I'm sorry world, but loopy, crazy, right brained Paige is having to go back to her old ways. I'm just not getting anything done.

Anyone else have this problem? I mean, it sounds simple, right? Go to bed by 10, wake up at 6, shower, get ready, feed the pup, take her to daycare, run errands, put away the goods, tidy the messes, work, pick up the dog, feed the dog, relax, repeat. Right? But for some reason, it just doesn't get done. My dishwasher has been backed up for a couple of weeks, I called a plumber, neither of us called the other back, and I still haven't gotten my dishwasher fixed. What is freaking wrong with me?

Places to live, vacations to take: The List

Number 7 on the 30x30 is make a list of places to live and vacations to take. This will be an ever-changing list, and it's not meant to mean I need to live/vacation to every place on the list if I end up not wanting to, it's just the running list of places to choose from. Here goes!

Places to live:

1. Gainesville, FL (check into sinkholes)
2. Nearly anywhere on 30A (Florida)
3. Huntsville, AL
4. Knoxville, TN
5. Boston, MA
6. France


Vacations to take:

1. NOLA
2. Great WP road trip
3. Elizabethtown, KY (unless a certain family moves ...)
4. Washington, DC
5. Road trip all over the East Coast with the future kiddos
6. Martha's Vineyard
7. Eastern Caribbean cruise(s)
8. Cruise to Europe and back, stopping in Europe for a while (Greece, France, Italy, Netherlands, wherever else I might want to go)

30 x 30 Revisited

Several months ago, before work got nut-so (or maybe before starting work), I made a rather ambitious 30 x 30 list. With four weeks and six days to go, and a lot having changed since that list, I need to revamp it a bit. And get my tail in gear. (Words in purple are the former list item.)

1. Cook in a professional kitchen - April 2011, Guest chef at Rags'
2. Join Junior League - August 2010, Junior League of Lee County
3. Travel to see Widespread Panic - September 2011, Knoxville
4. Become a doula - Spring 2010
5. Begin childbirth educator courses Former: Become a childbirth educator
6. See Elton John
7. Make a list of places I would like to live and vacations to take
8. Create business plans for future business ventures, and map out a career plan
9. Have awesome concert tickets - done!
10. See Mickey Hart Band - April 2012
11. Go to a music festival outside of Birmingham - October 2012, Harvest Moon Festival, Callaway Gardens
12. Get away, somewhere, for at least a weekend. Auburn doesn't count. Former: Go on a vacation to Callaway Gardens
13. Put more effort into my appearance
14. Adopt a healthier lifestyle, honor my body
15. See as many concerts as possible
16. See Jimmy Buffett and do the tailgate
17. Start writing a book.
18. Embrace the final 30 days of my 20's and celebrate
19. Get a dog - March 2012
20. Be assertive, not bitch-y
21. Do a total spa day (massage, hair, nails, makeup)
22. Have a fabulous 30th birthday party Former: Celebrate the 30th at the beach with an Arabian Nights themed party (alternative plan: private)
23. Take on a great charity project and complete it
24. Get organized, once and for all Former: Establish and follow a wonderful organizational/filing system, a financial plan, start retirement fund, sort out wardrobe
25. Commit to a city
26. Launch a business
27. Start the Porsche fund
28. Embrace a new hobby - Bass guitar
29. Get some more ink!
30. Start the next bucket list Former: Get out of the townhome. Let that baby go! (Unless Highland Park gets rid of the riff raff.)

A follow-up

After last week's purge regarding my thoughts on sex and relationships, I feel like I have to follow it up with something. After all, something started happening, and then it didn't. (Sorry for the spoiler.)

So, I started messaging with a guy. We exchanged numbers. We talked. We texted. We made plans to meet. I freaked the fudge out! I'm talking about-to-get-on-an-airplane or about-to-have-surgery tears and shaking. My good friend talked me down and I pulled myself together and got all dolled up (well, as dolled up as appropriate for a mid-range chain restaurant), and went to my bass lesson. And that's when I got the text that he had to cancel on me. Honestly, I was relieved, but I was so angry, too. I mean, I put an effort into what I would wear so I looked nice, but not too nice for the restaurant. I put an effort into my makeup. And I dressed up quit a bit more than I would prefer to go to bass class (there's always a bunch of guys hanging out there, but I'm going for the bass lesson, not the dating). While it was some notice, it was pretty much last minute notice since I had to get ready before bass class.

Looking all classy and cool like I did, I had to go out, and so I did. I hit up Kelley's, then went to Courtyard. I got popcorn, salsa, the best wings EVER, and a couple of Andygators (my new obsession).

This brought on some flashbacks to about twelve years ago, when I had been chatting with this guy on AOL for a few months. It turned out he worked with one of my classmates on a fundraiser, so it wasn't SO intimidating,  meeting someone online and all. We chatted, we emailed, we talked, we made plans. And the day of the date, he cancelled on me. While I think it was for the best since I was so young back then, nd he was a few years older, the event still haunts me.

See, I've never really dated anyone.

Everyone I recount this to says it counts as a date, but I didn't quite get it, and it was so last minute, I don't really count it, but I guess, technically, my first real date (non-formal, regular kind of evening date) was the summer before my senior year of high school. We went to a Mitch Hedburg show. How's that for an awesome first-date-ever story? :)

Then there was that AOL guy.

And then there was college. I always called them best friends dates because we were best friends, and one time I had to borrow my old neighbor from his girlfriend, and this one time another old neighbor and I hung out all day and made dinner plans and he kept trying to pay for everything, and I didn't know what to think of it all, so I out drank him until he passed out. I used to be good at that.

And there was the time I met up with this guy I was talking to every night to "hang out."

Looking back, maybe "hang out" was code word for a date?

But the first date that I really count was with one of my old bartenders. It all just kind of happened, and it's kind of a crazy story, but we went to Surin West for dinner on my birthday. And then he went crazy. After I was letting my guard down with him and all  ...

And then there was Space. Our first official date (we just kind of happened, and I guess we fell instantly in like and got to know each other for an entire weekend before he realized the error of his ways and took me on a real date) was to Surin West, of course. And that relationship stuck because he didn't like cocaine more than he liked me.

And I haven't dated anyone since Space. And it's time. It's been two, almost two and a half, years. We were together for five. It. Is. So. Time.

And I think I have decided to going back to dating the old fashioned way, even though it wasn't working out. Meeting someone in person is so much better because you can instantly gauge chemistry, and when you know the chemistry is there, and you've already faced this person in real life, things aren't so scary as when you're about to go on that date with the person you've never met.

While I can do without the butterflies, it's nice to know they are there because you know the person is special. Maybe they won't end up being special enough, but it means there's something worth checking out.

Sex and the Single Girl

Yesterday, I posted this on Facebook: "This might be why I'm 29 and single (and if this is why, I will be happily single for as long as it takes), but why does it seem that every possible romantic relationship these days is founded on sex? Why can't we build up to that instead of being expected to start with it?"

Now, before people start accusing me of being a prude, or being old fashioned, hear me out.

I do the dating website thing, I am open to new opportunities, everyone knows I am looking for a relationship (although I think most of my single friends don't quite understand me since they are single by choice). I am surrounded by sex - television, movies, music, advertising, books, friends' conquests, and getting hit on in the most vulgar of ways. And then there are the seemingly nice guys who are all talk and no action. Where is the balance? And being surrounded by so much sex, it makes the stubborn side of me rear its head and I stand my ground. 

I'm not going to have sex with a guy before or on the first date thinking it's going to get me into a relationship. If I did, this sends the message that sex is so important to the relationship that our sexual capabilities are the most integral part to the relationship. When the guys on the dating website, or who hit on me by asking me to take them home or to go home with them or something else way worse, that puts sex too quickly into the possible relationship for me. Having sex with someone, just to have sex is wasting my time. If I want a real relationship, and I'm not going to settle on someone good enough, why would I settle for an empty physical symbol of a relationship?

When sex is the foundation for a relationship, and nothing else replaces it as the foundation, what will happen when, and if, God forbid, something happens so that we can't have sex? What if one, or both, of us is disabled in a way so that we can't have sex? What if we have to be apart for an extended amount of time?  

If we have nothing else in common that we are equally passionate about, how do we continue the relationship when sex can no longer be a part of it?

Yes, I believe the act of sex is an integral part to a relationship. However, I think of it as symbolic of the mutual intimacy, love, and all those good relationship things, we feel for each other. Sex does not equal love, intimacy, respect, trust, admiration, etc. It is a physical act that can express those feelings, but it does not equal them. It's also one of those things that, given extenuating circumstances, is not 100% crucial to having a healthy relationship. Thankfully, there are several ways you and your partner can express your feelings for one another.

I'm looking for a husband. I'm not looking for a husband so I can have a wedding (although, I would like to celebrate the milestone with loved ones). I'm not looking for a husband to validate me as a human. I'm looking for a husband so I may be a part of a marriage. I desire a partner to share the experience of life. Yeah, I can do it on my own, and with miscellaneous other people, but I want the total package, the commitment. I want the freaking fairy tale, and I 100% deserve it. 

Relationships are kind of like that rule of physics, where a body in motion will stay in motion until acted on by an outside force. Outside forces affect the relationship, and it's up to the couple to be a team and overcome the outside forces so the couple may maintain their motion, or their relationship. If one of the partners always carries the weight of the relationship and the other always takes a more passive role, the relationship is weakened over time because the passive partner isn't building strength to overcome the force and the dominant partner grows weary after a while, and loses strength. It doesn't mean that equality must always be maintained in the relationship, but there must be a fair balance to the equilibrium of the relationship. 

The other side to the rule of physics I am writing about is a body at rest will stay at rest until acted on by an outside force. When the relationship settles into a regular routine, outside forces can easily disturb it because the partners have both become lazy. While equilibrium is maintained, it can be rather hard to overcome the forces when you forget how to work for it. 

Because relationships are constantly affected by outside forces, they must remain in motion, each partner always working as a team, as balanced as possible, to overcome the outside forces. It's impossible for each partner of the couple to fiercely maintain their independence because it takes power away from the couple itself.

While my last relationship didn't work out, it was a great learning experience. I gained a great friend, discovered I am capable of long term commitment, and know that in my next relationship, I have to have someone dedicated to working on the relationship, as it evolves. I also learned how sex fits into a relationship. Sex seems like just the tip of the iceberg to the physics of a relationship, and I don't want to start a relationship off by building it too top heavy because it is bound to collapse at some point. 

The Little Party that Could

Last year, when I decided to put myself out there for Arrangements chair/co-chair for the Junior League of Lee County, I knew I would be in charge of our annual party. In years past, we did a Masquerade Ball, which was always fun, but interest was decreasing, so my group had to revitalize the annual party and do something big with it ... and all on a tight budget.

We started planning in the summer, deciding we would do an 80's theme party, in October we started working on our vision, in early December we had a date, location, and band, and in early January, with 5 weeks to go, we started the decorations, promotions, and menu.

And it happened, and many people attended, and many people had fun, and we raised a good chunk of money for child health and wellness programs in Lee County.

I have no pictures because I didn't have time to take any, but suffice it to say I was met with some cynicism and negative attitudes, but we did it. We pulled off a fabulous party that doubled attendance from last year and got people having fun all night long.

If you know me, you know I love a good party, and you also know I love doing for others, so this event was a dream come true. I never imagined I would have overseen something on this scale for the first time I was in charge of it, but I am very pleased.

Next goal? 300 people and raise $10,000.