It was all a dream

Nearly nine years ago, I started a new New Year's Eve semi-tradition where I made wishes for the upcoming year. Way deep down, I hoped my wishes would come true in the way I intended. And did they ever!

God is faithful!

I started 2016 living the dream single life the best I could make of it, and (spoiler alert) ended it pregnant, married, living in Auburn. My dream, right?

We began 2017 by traveling to New Orleans to see Auburn play their bowl game. Soon after, we closed on our farmhouse in Opelika, and the Husband got to work on setting up the farm like he wanted, while I began going to doctor appointments, setting up the inside of the house, planning for baby, and being pregnant.

Let me tell you: pregnancy is not for the faint of heart. It's more than a full time job. Ladies (and other XX chromosome having persons), your body is literally making another human while you continue to live your life. As my man Joe Biden would say, this is a big fucking deal.

This post could be super long if I tell the whole story, and I'm struggling to find the words to type this. So I will leave you with this:

1. Pregnancy is hard. My body and mind were not too fond of it.
2. Don't have a baby where there isn't a SuperTarget yet.
3. Adults still play the same mean people games they likely played in junior high. And the popularity contests still exist.
4. Just because you know what is wrong with you does not guarantee your doctor will listen and treat you accordingly and properly in a respectful manner.
5. We ended up moving back to the Birmingham area when baby was about 18 months old. I haven't been back since.
6. I'm still figuring out who I am, and desperately wanting my old self back while living this life.

Life is hard, and sometimes living the dream isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes new dreams grow from the others.

Psalm 62:8

Trust in him at all times, you people;

    pour out your hearts to him,

    for God is our refuge.

Psalm 62:8

2015 was a big year for me. Lots of things were happening and some of the people in my life I usually go to with big things on my heart weren't there in a way I needed them to be. Not in a bad way, but because there were things I hadn't felt before and didn't know how to verbalize it, I just didn't know where to go. It also wasn't stuff that needed a resolution so much as I just needed to let it out. So, I went to God. 

You know what's good about that? I can tell Him anything, I don't have to carefully choose my words, and I don't have to leave certain parts of the story out - He already knows. He doesn't talk back, He responds. And it feels so good to be able to put it all out there. 

It's hard sometimes, when there is so much running through my head. I have trouble focusing. Because of this, I type out a lot of my prayers on the blog and leave them as drafts. I can type a lot faster than I can write and maintain my train of thought (or go back to it when I get off on a tangent). 

The nature of my prayers have changed drastically lately. I really want to sit down and pray for things that are unsettled right now, but I want to focus on other things in my life at this moment. That is the beauty of listening to God. I wake up and peek at the skyline and thank Him for this beautiful day and this beautiful life. I know that feeling could change at any moment, but I am feeling content, and no matter what happens as the day unfolds, I have that bit of contentment each morning. 

People keep telling me how good I've been looking lately. It's true. These past few months, I have been relishing this sparkle I have back. I noticed it back when the man and I went to Auburn the first time. It wasn't because of him so much, as it was because of God's faithfulness. 

The months between us meeting and that quick Auburn trip were mostly filled with a lot of anguish. I didn't like it. I didn't like being so wound up over a person, especially a person I barely knew. I didn't like the tease of a possible relationship and it not happen, yet again. I didn't like not having an outlet for those feelings. I didn't like how this one person sparked so much change in my life.

I want to be very clear. I didn't make those changes for him. I made them for me. I had a te-niny sample of a life I never imagined, but always wanted. And I knew the life I was living wasn't going there. For a long time, I yearned for a simpler life, but some way or another, I kept digging myself deeper and deeper into an abyss of complication. I channeled all that anguish into energy to move forward in my life. I took a huge leap of faith. I trusted that if I got rid of the stuff in my life that was contributing to holding me back, I would be blessed with a reward better than my dreams.

I began moving forward, but I don't know what direction I'm going. 

Sometimes, it's scary and I doubt it. Sometimes, it's frustrating and I get overwhelmed. But I am living the dream. 

I've learned how to listen. I've learned how to trust timing. I've learned how to be at peace with things not happening the way I want.

And it's all because I met a guy, a boy died, and I decided to get rid of my stuff. 

Actually, it's because I met a guy, a boy died, and I took refuge in God's love and found myself in a different kind of relationship that I had only read and heard about. I learned the art of listening to God. I learned the art of embracing the not good things that happen. 

There is so much to be done, and there is so much I would rather be doing at any moment. But, if I can't do what I want, I distract myself by doing what needs to be done that can be done. 

You know that line in "Me and Bobby McGee," "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose?"

I completely understand it.

When you're content, you're free from the bondage of society. When you're content, nothing can be taken from you that you don't need.

That doesn't mean there won't be pain, that doesn't mean there won't be loss, that doesn't mean it's all easy. Society and human nature trick us into believing happiness is our ultimate goal and we need things to be happy. 

The pursuit of happiness is bullshit. 

The pursuit of happiness isn't even on my radar anymore. 

When I learned to embrace the not good, I became aware of even more goodness. When I accepted the feelings that made me uncomfortable, I became aware of a high stronger and better than anything I've ever imagined. 

I grew up with an emotionally abusive alcoholic father. I grew up with a toxic parental relationship (and still deal with it from my mother). I was bullied when I got moved to another side of town, and the bullying continued for several years. I was silenced whenever I tried to express pain (basically, "get over it"). I suffered from anxiety and depression. People make decisions for me without my consent. I battled autoimmune diseases for most of my twenties. Three out of four of my grandparents had Parkinson's Disease, and all four of them had bad circumstances leading to their deaths. My father died when I was twenty. I had my gall bladder removed and have to deal with the repercussions of that for the rest of my life. And I could go on and on. 

All things considered, until this year, I came out of all that pretty well. I have made my peace with loss and all the not good things. They happened. I look at it, and I acknowledge it, and I move forward. 

That being said, those things contribute to who I am. I still deal with being afflicted by them. But that stuff doesn't get to hold me back from living. 

The great purge is still continuing. It's a process. It's hard to get rid of things that came into my life with good intentions. (So, for anyone considering a massive purge, I recommend getting rid of things a little at a time. When you have trouble letting something go, just put it back in its place for a little while, until you're ready to let it go. You'll know when the time is right. Also, it helps to give things with more sentimental value to people who will appreciate it the same way you do.) I got rid of so much stuff in February, stuff that I just didn't need, before I became inspired to mindfully purge. Then I decided to do the purge and I got rid of a bunch more stuff. I moved with the intention of not bringing anything into the house I didn't want. Guess what happened? More purging, that took up more than a hallway. It's January 2 and I already have a good pile starting. 

In all honesty, I'm probably at the tip of the iceberg. There's more in this life I live holding me back than I like to admit. I saw the following quote on Wild Woman Sisterhood the other day and it really spoke to me, in terms of what I've been doing with my life lately.

Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.

I have started peeling back the layers. I've stuck with counseling for nearly two years. I'm digging deep, little by little. I'm purging the stuff. I'm mindful of the cocktail of my state of mind and my surroundings. I challenge myself. I accept that I don't have to be a certain anything. 

And you know what? I am content. I like the mindset I'm in. I like where I am, I like the idea of where I'm going (even though I still have no clue what direction it is). And it's all because I chose to pour it out to God. 

Oh, what a year!

I think missing last year's year-in-review was a rather good indication of how the year went and where life was going at that time. I couldn't bring myself to process the year and I didn't have the time to do it.

Finally. Finally. I am getting to that point where I can see the light again. It's been a while.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it. The past several years have been like a wild ride that seemed to never end. Part of it is wisdom and maturity, part of it is determination and courage, and part of it is God, but I am in a totally different place in life than I have ever been. I don't really want to say that I've successfully taken my life back, because, really, I've just learned how to take what is given to me and embrace it, but I have taken control as far as not allowing others to have as much control. It's between me and God right now and I am so, so good with that.

So, let's begin.

January - Went to first college bowl game, the Birmingham Bowl, to see Florida beat East Carolina University. Go Gators! Chomp, chomp! Gamma died. Tedeschi Trucks concert. Saw TUB for the first time. Started staying out past my bedtime.

February - Met a fine specimen of a good, strong, tall, Southern, Auburn fan man. Best friend's four year old son died. Work got moody.

March - Work still moody. Man ends our little fling. Got pink hair. Raging flare up - what else is new? Oh, this one came with lactose intolerance.

April - Happy birthday to me! Really sad about the man fling. Auburn. Decided to change my life as I knew it.

May - That was a blur. Sold my first AU condo. Met another guy. Nothing materialized. Was on Talk of Alabama, promoting Dirty Hippie.

June - Also, a partial blur. Closed on a new AU condo, went to ATL to see the Rolling Stones. Saw DMB at Tuscaloosa Ampitheatre (it was there I realized I could eat dairy again. yay!). Closed on a new condo in BHM. Def Leppard and Styx concerts.

July - Moving. Started allergy shots again. Really getting into this floating in the pool and working on my tan thing. Iris Dement show at WorkPlay.

August - Continued to work on tan. TUB played at Dirty Hippie. Got a new car, Foxy II. Dinner at Ruth's Chris. Things finally started turning around with the state of friendship between that man and I. Hard Working Americans.

September - Lady Antebellum. AU with the man. Van Halen. AU with the man. Realized my autoimmune symptoms were beginning to disappear.

October - Started moving the store. Alabama concert. Started falling hard. Rusted Root, man! Lost my first friend to death. As in, the first person relatively close to my age, who I was currently friends with.

November - Finished moving store. Work began to suck again. .

December - Work still sucked (honestly, I really do love my job. It just takes up so much time I'm not used to spending up and it frustrates me). Got Christmas early and it was the best gift ever, so far :) Christmas, cousin time, Birmingham Bowl to cheer on my AUBURN TIGERS! (War Eagle!), couch toured Widespread's NYE run, decided to name those new year's wishes to candles and blow them out on a cake.

Happy New Year, Y'all.

Love. Success. Health.

On Facebook the other day, I saw a crossword puzzle with the caption "the first three words you see will come to you in 2016," or something to that effect.

First thing I saw was love. Boom! It immediately popped out.

I had to look a little harder, but success came next, and immediately after, health.

I will take it. I know a little crossword puzzle activity on Facebook isn't going to bring anything to my life, except maybe some encouragement for positive thinking, but it did make me think about my wishes for this upcoming year.

Love. Of course. I have grown so much this past year, and it's mostly due to love. It's been difficult these past several years. I've got so much love to give, and I'm not afraid of it, but what I've learned this year is God is still making me into the person that will be the best wife for my best match. It's tough sometimes when the yearning takes over and I can't get it out of my head. The past two days, my talks with God have consisted of so many thank you-s. Just "thank you," repeated over and over. I'm thankful for my life. I'm thankful for the future, where promises will be fulfilled. I'm thankful for my health. I'm thankful for the present. I'm thankful for how it's all come together. So, yes, I hope that this will be the year I, at least, get my husband. But more than that, I hope this is the year that love will continue to grow.

Peace. I've been filled with peace lately. Just an absolute, worry free, content, confident peace. I like it. And I hope that peace will also continue to grow.

Growth. I've grown a lot this year. I met a man, I hit a rock bottom I never imagined feeling. I drew myself closer to God. I got rid of a lot of stuff. I simplified (and continue to do so). And I have that man back in my life. I didn't do it to get him back, but I did it because I knew if it wasn't him, there would be someone better, and if I wanted him that badly and wanted to just be able to soak up all the love with him, I had to get my life in order so that I could have all that free time for all the love. I want that connection with God to grow. He really showed me His faithfulness this year, and I am ready to see what He has in store, as well as grow that relationship. Good things really do come out of challenging yourself.

Organization. I really want my organized life back. The more organized I am, the more time I have to follow my heart.

Create. I want to create things all. the. time. I want to cook, craft, make a home, make babies (when the time is right), grow Dirty Hippie in the direction of my vision for it, curate my life in the way it's supposed to be. I want to be a part of something. Do for others.

Time. I want time on my side. This past year flew by. Eleven months ago today, the weekend that changed my world happened. It's been an absolute whirlwind. So whirl-y that I got overwhelmed often and just had to cry and hope time would slow down, just so I could catch up and put stuff to bed.

Ink. I haven't gotten a tattoo in two years. I've got some catching up to do. I have four in mind right now, three of which should be able to be done in one sitting.

Live. Because I've spent the past nearly nine years fighting with my body, and now I am feeling so good. The other day, I did a lot of heavy lifting. I did things I never thought I'd be able to do again. Ever. I mean, I thought it was a distant memory of being able to do that kind of work. And I was so, so, so sore, but it wasn't a bad sore. It wasn't a kind of sore that was holding me back. It was a kind of sore that felt good. Because it felt so good, I'm going to start kicking my own ass as often as I can just so I can soak up that great feeling.

Experience. Feel, Soak up every moment. Savor it. Don't just go through the motions of doing.

And I think love, success, and health will all come to me, given that list of words to focus on this year.

That being said, as for the silly little things that just make life sweeter, I wish for ...

A Tom Petty concert
Lots of road trips
A beach vacation
An amazing camping experience
Epic Widespread Panic tour dates all around (and all the means to make some shows every tour)

Torn?

I mostly completed my year-in-review earlier today. And then I went to happy hour (because that is rare these days). I had every intention of couch touring Widespread Panic from home, but I stayed and did it from Oasis, until I decided to be an adult and go home to sleep because I'm going to see my Auburn Tigers play in the Birmingham Bowl tomorrow. At 11:00 AM. It was tough. To "couch tour" at the bar, to go to Dave's and see Elijah Butler Band, or to go home and go to bed to wake up early and do the football thang. Decisions, decisions ... And I chose home.

It's been a year, y'all, and it's looking insanely up right now.

You know the superstitions about leaving your tree up past the New Year? About bringing the luck of the last year into the new?

Well, I've seen a lot of bad this past year. A terrible amount of bad. But, I've also seen so much good. And I wouldn't have seen any of that good if it hadn't been for all the bad.

My last grandparent died. A four and a half year old boy died. I felt heartache like I have never felt before. Work stress. A friend died. I felt the fear of the heartache repeating itself.

But, I actually colored my hair pink. I felt the energy of love surge through so many people. I know a different kind of true love. I am living the dream, in terms of a job, I met a great person full of love and life. I know contentment. I am so insanely in love, in a kind of love that just is. A kind of love that is simple and will be what it is meant to be when it is meant to be, yet has such strong feelings and emotions associated with it. I know what the oxytocin high feels like, and it is a better feeling than anything. So good, so amazing, that words do not exist to describe it.

WP just covered "I Can See Clearly Now," followed by "Sitting in Limbo." I feel that 2016 is going to be a good year. It's not simply hoping it will be a good year, but knowing it will be. It's gonna be a bright sunshine-y year. And sitting in limbo is not a bad thing anymore. It's presence. It's contentment.

So, do I take the trees down or keep them up?

Honestly, it doesn't matter. God has a plan. And He has a great one. One better than my dreams. And I am so ready to experience it. And the trees are some of the things that set the mood for all the love this season.

A tribute to my grandparents

Grandparents are special, y'all. I have been blessed to know and remember all four of mine. And my relationship with all four of them was so different, yet instilled in me so much.

My Grandaddy - I had the shortest amount of time with him, as he passed away due to complications from Parkinson's disease sixteen years ago. In our time together, he was probably one of the biggest influences in my love for Auburn. He taught me the value of hard work and sacrificing yourself so your future generations don't have to experience such hardships.

My Papa - He taught me unconditional love for his family. He may not have approved of everything I did in my life, but I felt as if he trusted my judgment. And I know if I royally messed up, he would have been there to pick up the pieces. He showed me leadership and how to be a class act at all times. (Not that I always use that wisdom.)

My Granny - She taught me the art of loving others through food. Food was always the center of our time together growing up. She nurtured my love for crafting and creativity (even if she didn't approve of how I always expressed it, ahem, tattoos) and she gave me my sass. And she would always be there to keep me together when I had a broken heart - whether it was health problems, boys, friends, or some random person doing me wrong.

My Gamma - Her kitchen was like the brain of the house. All home operations came out of there - meal preparation, planning, preparing. She showed me that an ideal housewife was way more than a woman who sat at home and did nothing but spend her husband's money. She set the standard for my wifely aspirations - keep the home organized and running, nourish your family, be available for others in need.

With Gamma's passing in January, I am now without any of my grandparents. As much as I would love just a little more time to pick their brains for wisdom, encouragement, and instruction, I feel the power of them all together, all of their energies united for their loved ones still on this earth.

I hope I can honor their memories and carry on their legacy in a way that embodies their spirits and would make them proud. And I am so grateful for all they gave me so I have the opportunity to do so.

stuff

I feel so much better after getting all those thoughts out. I really struggled with keeping them as drafts or actually posting them here. Lately, I've been hyper cautious about expressing myself, but at the same time, it's been causing me to bottle up my feelings (thus creating the vicious cycle of anxiety and over thinking and not being able to function because I don't have any room to process simple tasks). I figured I could also just tell people to read it so we don't have to waste so much time talking about it all. Honestly, every time I tell it, I feel like I'm beating a dead horse and I'm so sick of hashing it out and wasting time on it. I'm ready to start acting on it all.

I am actually looking forward to being back in Birmingham. I hope when I get back I can maintain the clarity I have right now and be able to balance the work-personal-home dynamic. I hope people will support me in this decision. They don't have to agree with my choices, but as long as they support me trying to better myself. I'm resisting the urge to go back and get started before I head to Atlanta, but I'm supposed to look at new places to live in Auburn on Tuesday, and when I get that straightened out, I'll know more about where some stuff will go. After all the number crunching, and as much as I could just let the Auburn place go, it costs so little to keep a place here, it's kind of worth it. I am down here so much during football season and having a little vacation property only two hours away from Birmingham, so I can get away whenever time frees up, I think it's worth keeping. No hotel check in and out times, I can bring as many people as the place and vehicle(s) will fit, I can bring whatever animals I want - it's all there and ready for me when I can do it.

I started making a list of mantras and encouragement to refer to every time I doubt myself. And none of them have to do with "I will get what my heart desires when I've done this." I think that's one of the most encouraging things for me right now, since I mentioned previously I was concerned with ulterior motives, that while hopeful and honest, were not good reasons to take this on and could lead to much heartache.

I think one of the reasons I've had so much trouble functioning is because I have so much stuff. I don't know where to put it and it has gotten so out of control, I can't even put my thoughts and feelings in order. I know I don't need it all, and I won't get rid of the stuff I don't need, but really want to keep for the future. Maybe it will go to storage. Maybe when I finally get the needs organized and the let-it-go stuff out of my life, a place will open up for it to be with me. Maybe even I'll have time to enjoy it!

I started my moving and getting rid of it plan. When I was in college, I didn't have much stuff, and I didn't have much room, but I had everything I needed (and some what I didn't need). I creatively used what I did have to create modular stations to dedicate to the tasks at hand. If college was one of the best times of my life, why not bring back parts of those days to my new, simple life?

As for the house in Birmingham, that will be the biggest thing. It's going to be hard to let all that space go. It could be really useful. But I know I dread working through it when I have time and I know when things get crazy, I tend to just throw things somewhere out of the way and never go back to them. There's a lot of out-of-the-way room in that house. I also dread finishing the house. All it needs is tub hardware, hook up the tub and sink, and put a counter topper on the built-ins in the closet.

I don't think my moose head will fit anywhere in my rental property, and I'm really going to miss it for now, but I know it will live somewhere with me again someday.

So, the big house and the moose, those are my hang ups right now. And as much as I love the feel in the current house, and as much as it would be nice to keep, I know I just have to let it go. The several thousand a month it's costing me to not enjoy it doesn't justify it. Of course, once I simplify, I could always begin to enjoy it better, but I don't know. I do know I miss waking up with the sun every morning.

Money. Sun. Natural waking pattern. Simple life. I can do this.

Turn and face the strange, Part 3

I've always known I want to be married and have a family of my own. That's all I've pretty much wanted as long as I can remember. I've been planning my wedding since I was five years old. The older I get, the more strongly I want it. And the more guys I meet and things are basically DOA, I can't help but wonder, "why?"

I know that God wired me the way I am for a reason. I know he gave me desires that will be fulfilled. I know it will all come to me in His timing.

God has blessed me so immensely. He has given me resources to be able to take care of myself through all my hurdles. I haven't always used them wisely. But because of His grace, I am forgiven. I am given more and more chances to learn how to use them wisely and am able to learn along the way how to use them appropriately.

He has given me love and support from my family and friends so I do not feel alone on this earth.

He has given me bad experiences so I learn and appreciate the good.

I just keep taking all he gives and using it as if I take it for granted. I don't use it enough in a way to honor and glorify Him.

During Lent, people take on challenges through giving up something(s) or taking on others. At face value, it seems like people give something up as a ritual. It's not that simple. It's about the discipline God wants us to get out of it. While I decided to get rid of the excess during this past Lent, like I've said before, this is something that is going to take longer than 40 days. The discipline of it began during Lent, but the discipline needs to continue.

I'm not saying that getting rid of what I don't need and what doesn't contribute to my life in a positive way is going to get me my husband. I don't believe it will or won't happen because I did that. But I do know when the time is right, I will be able to fully enjoy it.

Where I am right now is to sell my house and move into my rental property. I don't know when that will happen, and I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to do so, but I'm working towards it. This is a HUGE leap of faith I'm taking. I know that God will give me everything I need and He will protect me. I know he won't give me a struggle I can't handle.

Rationally, this makes a lot of sense. Doing this will allow me to invest in my future relationship. I won't have an income loss of several thousand dollars every month. I will have more money to put towards the business and I will have less to handle in my personal life so I can put the energy I need into the business and relationship I desire (that may or may not happen soon, if ever). When the time comes for marriage, we'll have a property we can either sell or rent (and hopefully, at that time, it will be income producing so that we can ease the burden of a large expense).

Emotionally, this is not going to be easy. Others will get hurt. I will be reminded of my waste. I'm going to have to face some ugly. Whenever I desire more, whenever I feel discontent, I will be reminded of what I don't have, whether it's something I could give myself or not. And I will always wonder, especially during the rough times, if I gave it all up for nothing. If I gave it all up for a dream that won't be fulfilled. But, that is the nature of faith. That is the curse of being human. I don't know. I have a lot of control I am relinquishing to God, to something I can't see, but I know is there. (And typing this now, I wonder if He really is there. And then I think of how blessed I am and I remember all His promises.)

There was a long period in my life when I didn't go to church. I've always believed in God. I was raised going to church. And then I stopped. It didn't feel right and it wasn't getting me where I felt I should be with it. I tried off and on through the years, but it never felt right. So I did the "church of Paige" thing, where I had my own relationship with God, in my own way. Eventually, it just wasn't enough to sustain me and I needed more help. So, I started going to church again. I found a church in a nearby neighborhood and I feel like I am getting out of it what I need. Some Sundays, I don't always get the, "Wow! I needed to hear that!" feeling, but most Sundays I attend, there is something that resonates with me.

Last week, the scripture was about "do not leave Jerusalem." To me, that meant don't leave Birmingham. I had to really process that one. I had this trip to Auburn and Atlanta planned. I'm in Auburn now, so I "left Jerusalem," but I didn't leave permanently. I left so that I could clear my head, so I could handle some business down here. I'm going to Atlanta to make professional contacts (and I'm wrapping it up with a Bob Dylan concert, so there is a little fun in it for me). I'm doing this so it isn't hanging over my head.

While I've been in Auburn, I've gotten this series of posts written, helping me process all my feelings. I'm clearing the noise from my head so I can listen to where I need to be. There is so much I can't control hovering over me. And I am so, so scared.

I'm scared to let go of the life I have created. I'm scared to let go of stuff. I'm scared of how I will feel in hindsight. I'm scared I'm going to get rid of something I need. I'm scared I'm going to miss something. I'm scared I will never be fulfilled. I'm scared that, deep down, deeper than I'm willing to search, I am ultimately doing this as a bargain with God, and I'm simply justifying it with the intent of making more responsible choices for a better future (am I doing this in hopes of being so consumed with a family, the love is pouring out of my nostrils, as God promised the Israelites when they were sick of the manna and wanted meat? yes, a little). I'm scared of the upcoming struggle. I'm scared I will fail. And I'm dreading the process.

But I know that I am going into this with good intentions. And I know that this, as huge a step as it is, is only a step in the journey. I have a lot more to work on myself than just this. But I am only taking on this step at this time. If I am able to better myself in other ways as I go through this, that's great. If not, that will be next. I just hope the end result is worth it. I just hope that being released from the responsibility and burdens I have put on myself, with hopes of bettering my life, will be enough of a reward and everything else that comes will be dessert.

I've learned the hard way that certain things just aren't as awesome as they sound. I have been so broken along the way. But God has kept me together so far and will keep me together enough to get through. Big changes are coming and the unknown is scary, but I know that I will be fulfilled.

Turn and face the strange, part 2

Because no good blog series would be complete without a love life pondering, and because it's so much information to work into the previous, here's what was going on in my love life during all this.

Like I said, The Boyfriend and I were off and on through the beginning of this. We finally broke up in October 2010, and soon after I met a boy. This boy was nice, and Auburn fan, not much older than me, a Christian. We were so alike, yet so different. He encouraged me to be me and we would have long talks over beer and wine, philosophizing the ways of the world. While on certain issues we didn't have the same beliefs, we had the same intentions, which was for good and love, and that is what seemed to matter most. I was pretty much convinced this was the guy I was going to marry. Only, he had a girlfriend.

Because I didn't want any bad karma going into a relationship I was certain would end up in marriage, I didn't put my hands on him more than to give him a hug and I never kissed him. I never even expressed my deepest feelings about him to him until after he and his girlfriend broke up. And then they did break up. And then he started saying things to me that indicated he was, indeed, interested in me. But he never pursued those things he said. This whole song and dance went on for over three years. Finally, one morning he started saying things to me again, and it went on into the afternoon, but he never acted on them. And finally, I said my peace. I made sure he knew how I really felt about him, and I made sure he knew I was rather frustrated with him not ever following through. After that, we haven't had much to do with each other.

Before things finally ended with him, I met another guy. He was cute and fun and I think saying we're the same kind of weird sums up our relationship. And it turned out he has a girlfriend, too. This one, I went a little farther with. We kissed and shared our feelings for each other. Realistically, I knew he wasn't going to break up with his girlfriend for me. And I knew if he did, or if we ever ended up together, I was likely setting myself up to be cheated on. Emotions hit a high and we had to cool it down. This guy is my best friend, and while sometimes our feelings for each other have been confusing, we're better off as best friends, in a relationship with a boundary where we can be completely ourselves with each other. I don't want to be married to him. I cherish this guy and love our friendship and connection, but he's not The One. We might be the same kind of weird, but we're two completely different people and we view the world from completely different angles.

And then there was this third guy. I met him randomly. Because I didn't know him before I met him, or got the chance to get to know him over time from running into him on a regular basis, I was very content to enjoy the time I had with him and work on getting to know him. I was into the taking it slow with him. I enjoyed goofing off with him and learning about him and letting him learn about me. But we had different intentions for the relationship and I decided we were better off as friends, rather than me compromising my desires to get into a relationship that was probably not going to lead to marriage. (And while I'm not sure he was in a relationship when we met, and he wouldn't exactly admit to it being a relationship, he pretty much sounded like he was.)

At this time, work on the business was getting into full swing and I poured myself into it. I considered getting back together with my ex boyfriend, but I knew if I did, nothing would change. So, I sat still for a while and waited.

And I met this guy. This one wasn't a boy. He's a man. A tall, Southern, manly man. He's completely different from any guy in my history. I had no expectations when I met him, and I enjoyed just going with the flow. We both had a lot going on when we started this whatever-it-was and it became clear that we just didn't have time for each other. If I made time for him, I sacrificed other commitments and projects. Also, a bunch of people who knew us seemed to be getting in our business, and while I am sure they had good intentions, it really took the fun out of us getting to know each other and taking it slow. So, it didn't work out.

Something about this last one has done a number on me. I'm beginning to realize why I might have met him. I'm not saying there is a relationship to go anywhere with, but I'm not saying our time of knowing each other is finished, either. We are on speaking terms and I know I can reach out to him if I ever feel like I need him for whatever reason, but I'm not there yet. I'm not sure it's a good idea. So, I will just let the chips fall where they may. If we see each other, we see each other. If he wants to call me or see me, he will. I have no reason to anticipate a possible romantic relationship with him in the future, so this is not where I'm going with this. But he got me feeling. And thinking.

I know that I felt more in the month of February than I have in the past year (not just him, other things happened, as well). I've been on autopilot, just barely functioning, the past year, and then, BOOM!, I meet this guy. Meeting him has turned my world upside down. This world I created for myself that I am not at all satisfied with. We don't know much about each other, so it's been bothering me that I've been so wound up over someone I don't really know. But that's logic. That's left brained stuff. The right brained side of me (that really developed during all the chaos of the past few years), well, it's just a feeling. I may not be able to tell you anything concrete about him (I actually can), but I know he's a good person. He does right by others. I look at him, and I feel like I know everything about him, even though I really know the tip-tippiest-tip of the iceberg. He seeks goodness. He knows what is just. Within a few minutes of meeting him, I completely trusted him. (And given the way we met, that was kind of important because I had to trust him. I had to believe he was a good person. I put my security and safety in his hands.) Yes, I put myself in the situation to do so, but he didn't take the opportunity to hurt me. He hasn't hurt me. The tease of the possibility that this could be it hurt me. It was nothing he did or didn't do. We suffered from terrible timing.

One thing he said to me got me really thinking. He asked me if I ever saw myself leaving the city and moving out in the country. I was caught off guard. I didn't know how to answer that, at that moment, and give him an answer that fit in the parameters of "taking it slow." I mean, the dream has been to have a bed and breakfast on a farm in Auburn (or somewhere close by). I enjoyed From High Heels to Tractor Wheels so much because I got caught up in a love story that sounded like what I wanted. And there was this man sitting across from me, that after re-reading the Pioneer Woman's book the week before, was a version of Marlboro Man. So, yes, I see myself living in the country, but only under certain conditions. I want to be relatively close to a hospital (no more than 30 minutes away, and even then, in the biggest emergency, 30 minutes is a long time). I don't want to live in Walker County. And at that moment, I honestly just couldn't give him that answer in a way that didn't sound like I was jumping the gun. And I haven't gotten the chance to give him that answer. I just shrugged and said, "I don't know."

But that question hovered over me the next several weeks. And things he said hovered over me for the next several weeks. When I started doing my taxes, I was realizing that my expenses were getting out of control. I have expenses that have to be paid and it's costing a lot of money to get the store where it needs to be. I've cut back a lot on my personal spending, but there are ways to trim my spending. I'm sick of seeing the bill total every month, draining my bank account, wishing I could put it into something that will be more fulfilling.

And the biggest thing is I can sell the house I currently live in. The house I feel like I shouldn't have ever bought. In order to do that, I have to truly get rid of all the excess. For Lent, I began working on getting rid of it, and in order to get out of the house I'm in now, I have to do it to an extreme. Clearly, this process was going to take more than 40 days.

I'm still wrapping my head around it and I'm still working up the courage to and working out the plan on how to execute this. I love to entertain. This house has parking, and more space for entertaining. It's perfect for it. I have room for my hobbies in this house. I have room for a dedicated office space. But it's just not worth the expense, especially since I don't have the time to do those things. And I know I don't want to have a home where I make room for my husband. I want us to have a home together.

Initially, I decided to keep the house and live in it until the time comes to move on, and sell my rental property (that is more of a headache and is not income producing). The more I think about it, though, this new house is a black cloud over my life. It is filled with stuff I don't need, not completely finished, and it is a constant reminder of what I've lost, am losing, and don't yet have. I need to be content with where I am.

When people ask me what I want, when we have conversations about my discontent, the answer is I want a husband. I want a marriage. A partnership. I want to be a team with someone. I want us to hold each other up and challenge each other's personal growth. I want us to build a life together. I can't control when, or if, that will happen. But what I learned from this last guy is I want to be ready for when it happens. When I meet that guy, whoever he is, and we start something, I don't want to scramble and stress getting rid of what I don't need. I want to be ready to enjoy getting to know him and building our relationship. When it comes time for marriage, I want to enjoy that time of preparing for the rest of our lives. I've had to wait this long, and I don't know how much longer we'll have to wait to start our life together, but I don't want to waste any time. I'm not saying I want to rush into the relationship. I want to be able to be as fully invested in it as possible. I want to soak up what I have waited so long for and enjoy the moments. I want to be blissfully in love, without stuff I don't need hovering over this goodness.

All this emotional pain I've dealt with the past few weeks, when it became clear me and the guy just weren't working out, and I saw yet another failed potential relationship, I wondered why God kept giving me these teases. Why am I so wound up over a guy I barely know? Why was he put in my life? And then I began to wonder if I was being punished for how we met and how we started (it's a cute story, but the internets doesn't need to know how this all went down yet). But then I know that God doesn't punish us on this earth. God doesn't even want to punish us. He loves us and he sacrificed His son, Jesus gave his life, so that our sins are paid for. I messed up, I know. I behaved inappropriately. But I am loved. If I get nothing out of this, I wish wholeheartedly I could take it back. But I can't. And I have to listen to why this happened. I have to listen for the deeper meaning to this. God wouldn't have made this happen if it wasn't for a reason.

Turn and face the strange, part 1

Off and on for years, I've written about some of my exploits, some of my struggles, my desires for a husband and kids, my love for all things Southern. It's a lot. I felt like I had to grow up really fast on my way to college, and through those years. I always assumed, like most Southern girls who want to get married and have kids, I would meet my husband in college and we'd get engaged by graduation, and married within a year or so, depending on when the engagement took place and what our grad school plans were, and the rest would be history.

Well, obviously, that's not what happened for me. I'm okay with it. Sure, I'd like to be able to have all that extra time to be madly in love and make more babies, but it's not what God's plan for me was.

When I got The Boyfriend at the end of my college years, I just assumed we'd break up quickly or get married. The longer we were together, the more I (and many others) felt we should be getting married. And then he broke up with me. Because I "should be getting married and having babies." At that moment, all I wanted was him. Forget the marriage and babies. I just wanted my boyfriend back.

Way too soon after, my health problems started. I was in grad school. I had a broken heart. I was volunteering like crazy. And I was freaking out because my life wasn't going according to the plan I thought it would. My left brained personality had no clue how to process, function, experience all this right brained life I was experiencing.

The decision to drop out of my grad school program did not come lightly. I attempted starting another one, but that was too much for me with my health problems. I got my boyfriend back. I was searching for answers to my health woes, and I completely believed I would get answers. (Because, well, how in the world could someone feel so bad for so long? Um, as it turns out, it happens all the time to many people. It just isn't talked about because people can't wrap their heads around it.) I was working three jobs, and I was able to get my first house.

By the end of the first year of owning the house, my boyfriend and I were living together, with our many cats and a rabbit, and I was living the almost dream. I did the laundry, the grocery shopping, paid the bills, worked my flexible job, took the animals to the vet, and nursed my fatigue and nausea in between. Some days were terrible, some were splendid. But I still found myself dreaming for more.

Then my grandfather died.

Those three weeks he was in the hospital, watching him go downhill and not seeing the doctors do anything (while they remained positive or unconcerned about his declining health), and then losing my grandfather, my Papa, wow ... I just couldn't handle it. I realized I had to start making some changes in my life if I wanted to have anyone left to celebrate it with. I also realized that I was following a path I thought I should take, instead of following my heart.

My boyfriend wasn't down with getting married. He had always been upfront about it with me, but there would be times he would say things that made my young, naive heart and mind think, "If I just give it some time, he'll come around." Some of his family and friends said the same thing, so that didn't exactly help my judgment.

And then I had my gall bladder removed. And then things started spiraling.

I moved to Auburn. I had this grand plan to downsize my possessions and move into this tiny condo. My mother talked me out of it. I kept the tiny condo and bought more stuff. Before I knew it, I had at least double of everything. One for Auburn, one for Birmingham. My boyfriend and I were off and on. (And we finally, finally broke up.) My health problems were multiplying. It was getting nuts. I needed an outlet, and I found it in Widespread Panic concerts, especially ones I had to travel for.

I also decided to start a home-based arts and crafts business. Between travelling between Auburn and Birmingham all the time, and not having much room to start the business in either place, I realized I had to make some changes.

My grandmothers were both in declining health, and I felt like I was needing to be back in Birmingham a lot. I also had more room (but not enough) there to launch the business. So, I made the hard decision to come back, and (until the past couple months) I completely regretted it.  And then I made the decision to rent my house in Birmingham and buy another house in Birmingham. (I had good logic on that decision - good neighborhood, good floorplan, good schools, big enough so I would never have to move again, etc.)

Buying that house should never have happened. I spent way more money than I should have on contractors and handymen. The work dragged on for months. Something that seriously, realistically should have been done in three months took over six before I finally gave up and got the workers out of my house and tabled the updates and repairs. I spent way too much money because I didn't have the room and time to sort through boxes of stored items I just bought more stuff. Absolutely out of control.

In the past year, I immersed myself in launching my business, which evolved into a boutique and gift shop and got my house livable, but not finished. Both my grandmothers died within just over a year of each other, one of them before she could even see the house I bought. Both before they could take advantage of the house I bought that I was making changes to in anticipation of them being there more, and making modifications so they could be there easier.

But every time I see where the house isn't what I want. Every time I can't fit something somewhere just so. Every time I can't decide how to finish a project. Every time a light bulb blows or something breaks. Every time something isn't right with that house, I am reminded I should not have bought it.

Now that things are beginning to settle down, I realize the hectic life was distracting me from the real problems. I bought into the idea that I needed more, instead of staying focused on the original goal, which was to downsize and breathe some fresh air. I kept buying shit to distract me from what wasn't right with my life and to cover up my previous impulsive choices. I kept buying stuff in anticipation of the future, when I don't know what the future holds.

2014 Year in Review

Well, I can't say I'm sad to see 2014 go. It was a good year in terms of getting rid of excess (or moving in that direction), but - wow! - not that great of a year.

So, let's begin the annual year in review ...

January - Rang it in doing the Widespread Panic couch tour from my mom's house. Cold winter weather. Auburn lost to FSU in national championship game. Cold winter weather. BB King Concert. Cold winter weather. Danced my ass off with II Da Maxx (ortho shoe and all). Got iced in.

February - Cold winter weather. Went on an actual date. Cold winter weather. Valentines Day with my crew.

March - Widespread Panic Wood Tour. Didn't hear "Fishing."

April - Fired a contractor. Snapped on the carpool drivers. Happy birthday to me! Got hit on in TJ Maxx.

May - Eric Clapton, Lady Antebellum concerts. Got all inspired to do the current business model. Dave Matthews Band concert.

June/July - Big blur! Yeast allergy diagnosis. In a walking boot. Missed a lot of concerts. Worked on the business.

August - Motley Crue concert (sucked!), worked, realized yeast free was not the life for me

September - Football season, lease on store, work, Spiritual Gifts Bible Study began

October - Montgomery, Huntsville, Memphis Widespread Panic shows, work on the store

November - work on the store

December - work on the store and open!

Wow.

Yesterday sucked. I had a really shitty day. It started great. I woke up earlier than I needed to, got errands run, parked illegally at UAB and didn't get a parking ticket (score!), and then I went to the doctor. Like with the tests I was given to take home and collect samples on myself, I didn't fully comprehend everything while I was being told. Heterozygously positive for two mutations of the MTHFR gene, yeast, yeast allergy, anxiety, depression, approved food list, more results to come (and then there was the, "Wow! You must have a really healthy diet! Some things could be better, but you're actually pretty healthy." Don't let my obesity fool you. I may not look it, but other than feeling like crap, I am actually healthy.) ... Yeah, it was a lot. And it was presented so matter-of-fact and focused on how managing the results will make me feel so much better, that, well, the reality didn't set in until I left. And then some things happened later, completely unrelated to this, and that capped off my day. Ugh!

When I looked more closely at the yeast thing, all I wanted to tell someone was, "I'm fu[dged]." And I did tell one person that.

I've written my health journey out before. Well, in bits and pieces. But, basically, a little over seven years ago, I started feeling nauseous and fatigued and I had this annoying, intermittent pain on my stomach. Doctors, endoscopy, ultrasounds, CT scan, bloodwork, a frantic call to my gynecologist (family history of ovarian cancer, personal history of ovarian cysts, GI troubles - an early warning sign of ovarian cancer, and, BOOM! I'm in my gynecologist's office) ... nothing. More doctors, waiting, tweaking medications to manage GI symptoms (and oh my word, the side effects!) ... nothing. New GI doc, more tests (radioactive tests are no fun, by the way ... nausea that can't be cured by taking a phenergan, edginess, sluggishness, irritability ... they don't tell you about all that). Saw a surgeon. Had my gall bladder removed. Still nauseated. Still fatigued. Only I have holes in my abdomen from infected incisions and they heal up leaving painful knots. (And to this day, if I sneeze the wrong way, I end up with an intense pain coming from one of them.) Oh, and I get this random, intense pressure feeling across my mid back a few times a week, usually between 4 AM and 6 AM that lasts about 20 minutes and takes a couple hours to sleep off because it takes that much out of me. Pain and fatigue symptoms worsen. Start getting tendinitis everywhere possible. Thyroid is crazy. ANA (autoimmune marker) barely positive. Three endocrinologists later and I have one confirmed autoimmune disease (Graves) that flares up with the other undiagnosed autoimmune (lupus? something else?). Occasional migraines. It just doesn't stop. And we don't know what is actually wrong, and how many things, creating all these problems.

I don't think some people realize how nauseated I get. As for the pain, I'm so used to it, I don't always notice it. I just keep on trucking at reduced levels.

Dealing with my health problems has been very overwhelming the past seven years. I don't talk about it as much as I should because if I did, that is all people would hear. I also like having the escape from it (if I don't talk about it and ignore how I feel, then I can pretend it doesn't exist). In addition to it being emotionally draining to not know what is wrong with me, only having clues based on what some medical tests about me may say and from paying attention to how my body reacts after I eat certain foods or do certain things, it's also financially draining. Going to the doctor and having all kinds of tests run is expensive, with or without insurance. Fighting for my right to access to healthcare, when I already feel so horrible doesn't help anything. And then there is the cynicism that comes when I am getting a new test run. After the first few times, I conditioned myself not to expect anything.

When people ask me why I feel like I do, and if I have seen a doctor and why if I've seen a doctor I don't know what's wrong, I really don't know how to respond. And it's awkward to be put on the spot when you're the one feeling bad. When people ask me how I could get sore after playing cornhole, that's one of those things about what is wrong with me. Or when I'm nauseated, people think I'm contagious with a stomach bug. People put me on the defensive all the time without realizing it.

Yes, I look physically able, but I'm not as physically able as I should be and I'm not as physically able as I would like. I have had to completely change my life because of this, but I try not to dwell on my past aspirations and instead focus on future ones. Living is draining, but I do it anyway because I know no matter what I will feel bad and I may as well have some fun feeling that way. If I told people how I actually felt every day, we wouldn't have time to talk about anything else. And everyone would just be really depressed.

So, back to yesterday... Yeast. Yeast, yeast, yeast. I'm allergic to it. My levels are over three times what the maximum level of normal range is. There are some other things that showed up that are managed by cutting out yeast. All I could think of was, "And I mentally prepared myself to hear that I have cancer." (Because, well, that's what I thought could be the worst case scenario and as long as it wasn't gluten, I could face it.) Well, it's worse than gluten. And it's not going to kill me. But, it's worse than a gluten allergy. Not to make this sound worse than cancer, but it's very life altering. And the treatment isn't very healthy. (And, I do know a little about how cancer affects people. My Granny had ovarian cancer when I was 15. And that's really bad and really scary, but she survived it. I figured if she and the rest of the family could get through that, well, I could get through it, too. Not that it would be easy, but it definitely wouldn't have been our first rodeo.)

I was given a list of approved foods. Yeast is in so much that when you can't eat it, it's easier to give a list of foods you can have, instead of what you need to avoid. I'll link to that list in a separate tab. Click here for link.

Unfortunately, this is not going to be a healthy diet. I will have to take supplements because I won't be able to get all the nutrients I should have from food. It should make me feel a lot better, but it is something I will have to strictly follow for six months. After that, I can test out "cheat days" and decide how often and how worth it they really are. This is a lifetime thing. And it is very life altering. No bread, no sugar, no alcohol, no starches, no dairy (except plain yogurt), mostly no fruits (lemon, coconut, cranberry and rhubarb are acceptable), and miscellaneous other items in varying categories (no peanuts, carrots, corn, pork, condiments, and probably more I haven't realized yet). There are yeast free fad diets that can be viewed online, but they are more generous than what the information my doctor gave me will allow. It's going to be okay.

I'm making my peace with it, but I also know this is going to royally suck. I can't just go out to eat. I can't just make a sandwich. I have to plan ahead and plan thoughtfully. I can't just go over to someone's house for dinner, and going out of town for a night ... I don't know. So, if you don't want to follow the list of approved foods when you want to cook for me, don't be ashamed, embarrassed, or angry when I bring my own food with me.

In. Your. Face.

While I was a student at UAB, there was a strong air of superiority permeating the campus climate. My first week there, I realized very quickly that UAB was no Auburn. As my first semester wore on, my realization proved correct countless times.

I would wear my Auburn sweatshirt hoodie (not intending to be disrespectful to UAB, it was just my most comfortable, beloved article of clothing) and hear ugly comments downing Auburn. I would be loaded down with books and whatnot, trying to enter a building, only to have a person eighteen inches in front of me let a door slam in my face. I would hear the groans in Freshman and Sophomore level classes the first day when professors announced we would be writing a three to five page paper by the end of the semester. I would deal with drivers who didn't know how to yield to pedestrians. I would hear comments describing how UAB was such a wonderful institution, focused on academics over football. I did my partying in a bar and my shopping by myself. I wasted a good portion of my day with a full back pack and, usually, an additional bag to carry all my stuff I needed for the day, waiting around for the next class to start.

Well, UAB, suck on this: Auburn was just named the best research university in the state by TheBestSchools.org.

Not only does Auburn excel at football, we also do in academics.

I didn't have the best GPA while I was at Auburn. (Although, it was steadily increasing, following a rough first semester.) I didn't party all the time, but when I did, I really threw down. I always had a shopping buddy on hand. I witnessed many an Auburn man fall over himself sprinting to open a door for me, and other ladies, from 30 yards away. Football was interesting. Classmates were cordial and pleasant. When we did see someone wearing an Alabama item, we just assumed they lost a bet and didn't address the situation. And walking back and forth to my apartment during breaks between classes, I never once had to question if a car would stop for me while I was crossing the street.

My GPA at UAB skyrocketed. First, I've been writing three to five page papers since I was in junior high, if not late elementary school. Second, those rigid academic expectations at Auburn that were GPA killers for me? UAB had nothing on them. Everything was a breeze.

Liberal Arts academics at UAB were such a joke, in some classes, when I got my grades back at the end of a semester and found a B staring at me for a class I rocked, I couldn't contain the panty wadding. I made A's on all of my tests (one was something like a 98 or 99, and I was marked off on a technicality). I read all the books. The final was a freaking take home, open book final. I showed up for class more than the professor. I also had to force myself not to answer too many times during discussions, when only the first two rows of students seemed to participate. So, imagine my increased blood pressure when the professor emailed me back saying s/he generously gave me a passing participation grade for showing up on discussion days, but not actively participating. Um, said professor acknowledged my comments every discussion. When I went to our meeting to go over my final, I was told my final might have been graded a bit harshly, which, upon further inspection by the professor, I was given some extra points to make the total semester grade an A. But, still, to this day, the whole discussion and attendance thing pisses me off.

And don't even get me started on my grad school professor who, also, didn't show up for class very often, and even though I didn't complete all the assignments, blessed me with a stellar passing A or B. And that was from someone who is training the future educators of this world. Oh, the irony.

So, in summation, Auburn rocks. Both at football and academics. Rant over.

2013 in Review

Coming to you from Birmingham, Alabama (not Atlanta, Georgia, as originally planned), listening to Widespread Panic NYE via Sirius XM channel 29 on my computer (not live from Phillips Arena, as originally planned) ...

Let's see if I can remember much of 2013 before these past few months ...

January - Rang in the new year in Auburn, sleeping, with a broken toe. Enjoyed Mo's company the next day, night, and following morning (dinner at Arricia, pedis and lunch at Amsterdam the next day). Went back to Birmingham for a bit. Sold Allie the Acura, bought a minivan that didn't fit in my garage, returned it (thank you, CarMax!) and headed back to Auburn in Mom's car to prepare for League Aid.

February - Got out of the broken toe boot. League Aid. Huge surprise success! Returned to Birmingham, bought a Subaru Forester and cursed the car every time I got in it. Kid Rock concert. (I think some people hadn't left their Y2K shelters since he busted out on the scene.) Finally got down Christmas decorations at the tail end of the month.

March - Ummm ... pretty much consumed with planning for turning 30. And I started shooting whiskey. Straight up. Word.

April - Bought myself a VW Eos for my birthday and it is THE BEST CAR I HAVE EVER OWNED. Saw Dave Matthews Band. Turned 30 (Lakeview pub and street vendor crawl, sleep, Avondale Brewery, Melting Pot with family and close friends, attempted "Mad Men" viewing party). Woke up one morning in a panic due to my apparent biological clock. Got over the panic. Rusted Root concert. Grand hippie road trip to Atlanta - Black Crowes, Widespread Panic x2. Additionally in ATL, ate some good food (Mary Mac's, Daddy D'z), Little Five Points, GA Aquarium, Underground ATL, got drunk with these cool folks on a Botanical Gardens tour. Alice in Chains concert.

May - Tim McGraw concert, Toad the Wet Sprocket concert. Started house hunting, ummmmm... I don't know if I'm going to want to remember the Cigar Bar night or not. That's a good story. It required a couple nights in Auburn to decompress before heading to Knoxville. But before I could go to Knoxville, I had a special night planned with a special friend. The night went horribly awry and there are some crazy pictures to prove it.

June - Wow. At first, it seemed rather uneventful, then I remember how it started. After that horribly awry night, my special friend ended up passed out in my foyer and upon waking up on June 1, we spent a wonderful morning napping off the night before and getting to know each other better. Nothing naughty or scandalous. Just cementing a friendship. I headed off to Knoxville, had to stay the night when I was almost an hour away because the weather was THAT bad. Was totally in my element in Knoxville. And it was hot for once. Two nights of Widespread. Got back to Birmingham and let the house hunt continue ... Lilly acted a slut ... was either drugged or I learned my limit on Fireball the hard way ... house hunt.

July - House hunt. Boy drama. Widespread Panic. Wow. It was awesome! House hunt.

August - Moved out of the townhouse, into Mom's house and storage. Matchbox 20/Goo Goo Dolls concert. Started the final preparations to close on the new place. Spent a lot of time in Auburn this month. Drank a lot. Cursed a lot. Feared a nervous breakdown. Oh, and hello, football season! Joined a pool league.

September - Football. Football. Got a new baby cousin. Mumford & Sons concert. Junior League of Birmingham kicks off. Black Crowes with Space. Closed on house. Made sweet memories. Mom's birthday. Moved out of storage.

October - Widespread in Tuscaloosa. Auburn weekend with Space. Started work on house. Felt like I had a boyfriend for about two weeks. Montgomery for Sarah and Ian's wedding reception. Got sick. Halloween.

November - What?!? Where did October go? Honestly, at this point right now, I would love to have October and the first half of November back. I spent the first half of the month in the throes of rental drama, home repairs stalled, trying to stay warm at night, and just overall stressed. Then Granny died. It was so unexpected and so, so sad. Auburn beat Georgia. Alabama concerts. Auburn moved up two spots on the BCS and didn't even play that week. (That's when I knew something really special was happening.) Thanksgiving. Auburn won the Iron Bowl. And I started to kick a little ass at pool, finally.

December - Auburn won the SEC championship! And Ohio State lost their conference championship! Nana Funks annual Christmas party. Got a pedicure, the pedicurist yanked my formerly broken toe a little too hard, and well, my annual Christmas party, Christmas, got to the podiatrist, and me and my left little toe have come full circle since last year. And that, my friends, is why I am not in Atlanta. I didn't think it wise to be flying solo, bundled up, toting my poster tube across my chest and my Kavu backpack across my back, hobbling around downtown Atlanta on New Year's Eve and braving a concert in the boot.

I think I went to more concerts than I mentioned. I just can't remember them all. Oops :(  Concert of the year definitely goes to Alice in Chains. Ohmigosh. That show was so beautiful and energizing! Loved it! Now, I really enjoyed some Widespread, and although I missed a total of six shows I intended to go to, I will have to put Widespread in their own category and say that the Birmingham and Spring Atlanta shows were the best, and there is no way to compare the two to determine which was actually the best show.

Let's see ... advice of the year: if something feels wrong about a house deal, don't go through with it. So much was wrong with other places, and this one really was in the best structural condition, but the negotiation was so not worth it. I said so many times I was over it and done with the deal, and there were so many opportunities for me to get out of it, and I don't think people really took me seriously when I said I didn't want the house any more. I couldn't even take myself seriously. I was so stressed I had no idea whether my decision was based on anxiety or truth. I've only spent three scattered nights in my new place and I had someone spend the night with me. That house is creepy at night and even though things are moving along, I just feel like it's stalled. And I really don't care. Honestly, I am terrified of living by myself in that house and there have been so many painful memories and emotions because of it I am beginning to resent the house a little bit.

So, I had a lot of fun this year, but I also experienced a lot of emotional pain. I'm ready to clean slate this bitch and move forward.

In the new year, I will ...

Be conscientious of how I treat myself. I'm not going to treat myself to mani pedis, massages, nights in hotels, room service, fancy meals, happy hours, retail therapy, etc, just because I had a bad day or week and/or just felt like I needed it. I'll still do all that to a degree, but not justify it as a band aid for the real problems. Instead, I am going to focus on nourishing myself in a positive way. My me-time and personal treats are not going to be mostly empty any more. Since I'm gaining confidence and skill in pool, I am going to pursue that. I am going to keep up with the bass and try to focus more to excel in that. Maybe I'll go back to school. Maybe I'll start going to church. (I really, truly intend to, but I also have intended to since February, and every week, Sunday rolls around, and I'm either out of town or forget what day it is.) Maybe, if I'm not obsessively house hunting, recovering from pneumonia, or experiencing a broken/near broken toe, I'll start working the gym back into my life. Maybe, if I ever feel comfortable in my home, I'll start cooking all those healthy, delicious meals I used to cook, and try a few new dishes out.

Force myself to go to Auburn for at least a few days every month. I'm keeping my "vacation condo" for a reason, and I better put it to good use.

Sell at least one item from Queen B.

Limbo

So, I just have to vent. For once, this isn't about finding a husband or my medical woes. Oddly, I don't feel the urgency or need for those things to be settled right now. It feels good for once, but I guess I have to feel urgency and need about something.

For the past several years, I've been living in two places. It was fun at first, but I longed to be rooted in Auburn. With grandmothers not doing so hot, and always being back in Birmingham, I decided to table the Auburn dream and root back in the 'Ham. My townhouse here never got on the sales market (because there was just no way it would sell at a reasonable price for me), and it never rented out. I considered renting, but let's be real - who would rent to someone with four cats and a dog? Next, I thought about moving back into Mom's house. She pretty much has an apartment in her basement. I offered to do renovations and work to update the basement and make it really nice to live in (it's awesome, just needs some updating), but my brother still lives at her house and that would cut into his music room. All the while, I was peeking on the MLS from time to time, browsing homes for sale.

Last year, I looked at some places. Some were pretty neat, but I really just don't want to live alone right now. It's not that I'm afraid or anything, I just like having people to cook for and be around. I looked at a few places a couple weeks ago and it was a total bust.

This week, I bit the bullet and braved the more expensive homes. I don't want to spend a ton of money on a THIRD home until I get the townhouse figured out, but because the housing market is turning around, homes are higher priced than before, and they are selling quickly, so I feel a little pressure to make my move on something if I like it. I looked at the higher priced homes because I wanted to compare what I would be getting with them against what I would get with the cheaper ones (and I was realizing the amount of money I would spend to update the cheaper ones would come close to costing the price of a more expensive one).

Well, I found a house. I crunched numbers, I took an AWESOME, VERY NICE, VERY INFORMED friend to look at the house yesterday and help me peek around and find ways to justify offering a lower price on the home. We found some problems with it, but all fairly straightforward fixes. I got creative on how to come up with the extra money needed for the higher down payment, and I made an offer. Everyone involved (on my side) was very pleased with the house and excited about the move.

This house was made for me. Open floor plan. garden tub, huge walk-in closet, lots of natural light, awesome basement and other cool features, and not much yard. I researched prices of bumper pool tables and dart board machines, closet built-ins, and wall paper. I made a list of all my furniture and started planning how everything would fit.

Turns out, the house sold yesterday. It was a cash sale, no inspection, barely a contract period (I'm talking a couple of days). I am crushed. The thing is, my best friend from high school and her daughter (my goddaughter) are planning on living with me. This house is a girl's house. It was made for us. And if my townhouse is going to be rented, I have to get the cats out ASAP (because people who don't like cats, and to be fair, are allergic, tend to have extreme reactions to cats having ever been in a house). To get the cats out, I need a place to put them. To have a place to put them, I have to have a place ready to move in. To be ready to move in, I need to have the house painted and any renovations that need to be done, finished to get the cats in. In order to launch my craft business, I need a good workspace, which I don't have in the townhome. In order to start having income, I need to launch my business.

So, back to the title of the post, I'm in limbo. I'm not giving up, but I'm not going to lie: I'm living in complete denial about the house I want. It's still listed as active on the websites, and there's something so shady sounding about the deal, I'm really wanting to believe it's not true. Hopefully, the house will be mine, but I don't want to live in un-reality, either.

It's just a really frustrating time and I am so ready for everything to be settled.

The people you meet, the places you go

I've met several people on my trip to the ATL area. Most interesting were the people touring botanical gardens all over the United States.

My brother, who had been traveling with me, decided to go back home since he wasn't feeling well. A little bummed, but totally confident, I made my way down to the manager's reception for some snacks and wine. While there, I met the group touring botanical gardens.

It's not an official botanical gardens job, but they do make sure everything is going well and looking good for those of us that enjoy botanicals.

Sounds like a cool job, eh?

Hopefully, they'll holler at me when they get to Birmingham in July and we'll meet up again :)
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How much of a spreadhead am I now?

Tonight was #7 for me. After lots of talk and study on the method to the setlist madness, I made a list of all my favorites (excluding most covers because, well, there are nearly as many covers as originals ... and that's a LOT). I marked off the ones where there was no chance they would be played (X), probably not be played (/), possibly not be played (\), and dotted the ones that have been played this tour (one dot per play). It took a couple hours :)

Next, I circled the ones I really wanted to hear and had a good chance of play. Would you know that I got 4 so far? ("Pigeons," "Send Your Mind," "Little Kin," and "Red Hot Mama") I think that's pretty cool. And several were played that were on the master list, but not circled.

So, let's see ... I've traveled to see WP twice so far, I have the ink, I spend about $100/year on tshirts and memorabilia, and I make friends at the shows. The first song I figured out by ear to play on the bass was "Imitation Leather Shoes." I even own several DVDs of shows so I can watch when I'm not seeing them live.

I guess all that's left on the WP bucket list is: be a roadie, take my kids to a show, have them play at my wedding (and other applicable major events), go on tour with the band and crew, finish the tattoo, and see "Bears Gone Fishing," "Fishing," "Sparks Fly," and "Climb to Safety."

I can't wait for tomorrow night!


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Musings

Yesterday, I had a palm reading at Underground Atlanta.

Being a Christian, it took me a long time to get up the nerve to get a tarot reading, but I voiced my concerns to my first "reader" and she was really cool and respectful. What was supposed to be a 20 minute session turned into an hour because my cards were just really cool. I don't do it to see the future, but to sort out my emotions. If you don't understand what I mean by this and how it's possible to be a Christian and justify fortune telling (for a general purpose term), all I can say is you just have to do it for entertainment purposes to see what I mean. I don't dwell on what they see in my future, but I focus on my question at hand (usually, "WTF am I doing and what should I be doing?") and see what the cards "say." Depending on their "answer," I ponder my feelings about it - not as if it's written in stone, but as a way to explore different paths. It's really hard to explain, but I can say that an hour with tarot cards goes a lot farther than $150 and 50 minutes with a therapist.

Anyway ... So, I got my palms read for the first time yesterday. My reader said I was a creative person and very caring towards others, that I worry too much and I don't write enough, even though I have a talent for it. She also said I wouldn't get married and I wouldn't have kids, so I'm not dwelling on that part. I do believe I have a higher purpose in a relationship, so I'm not sweating it.

But the reading got me thinking. All that stuff about my personality and character was true. I am deeply creative and I used to write all the time (as in I was always journaling). I have a blog that I never update. So, maybe that was my kick in the ass I needed to keep this little project up. It doesn't have to be the story of my life, I just need to share what's on my mind, serious or random.
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Operation: Get Yo' Hippie On 2013 v1.0

I've been in Atlanta for 24 hours!

Brother and I met in Auburn, hopped on the shuttle bus, and got in yesterday evening. I still don't do well on the MARTA. That thing is freaky, with the wobbling and all. Ugh!

We had dinner at Mary Mac's, and it did not disappoint. Why is there not truly good soul food in Alabama? I had chicken fingers, mac n cheese, green beans, and squash souffle. Omnomnom. :) Also, the pot likker actually made collards look appetizing to me, and I enjoyed it.

This morning, we went to Little 5 Points so I could check out the Bohemian district. (What would a hippie trip be without a trip to see the bohos?) We ate lunch at the Vortex, after I netted $47 on the lotto. Holla!

I wanted to see the Margaret Mitchell house, but the shuttle bus driver was being a dick and wouldn't take me there (um, it's 1/10 of a mile outside of your area, drop me as close as you can get). WTF?!?

Tonight is the Black Crowes and I think we're going to Ted's Montana Grill before for dinner.


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Rusted Root

Back in February or so, a little bird let it spill that Rusted Root would be at Iron City in Birmingham sometime in April. That was probably the best news, musically, in a long time. Because I haven't seen Rusted Root since I was 16! It was a very chill show, not high energy and super-tribal like I remember them way back when. I heard several of my favorites and it was a night I will not regret. 

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