Turn and face the strange, part 2

Because no good blog series would be complete without a love life pondering, and because it's so much information to work into the previous, here's what was going on in my love life during all this.

Like I said, The Boyfriend and I were off and on through the beginning of this. We finally broke up in October 2010, and soon after I met a boy. This boy was nice, and Auburn fan, not much older than me, a Christian. We were so alike, yet so different. He encouraged me to be me and we would have long talks over beer and wine, philosophizing the ways of the world. While on certain issues we didn't have the same beliefs, we had the same intentions, which was for good and love, and that is what seemed to matter most. I was pretty much convinced this was the guy I was going to marry. Only, he had a girlfriend.

Because I didn't want any bad karma going into a relationship I was certain would end up in marriage, I didn't put my hands on him more than to give him a hug and I never kissed him. I never even expressed my deepest feelings about him to him until after he and his girlfriend broke up. And then they did break up. And then he started saying things to me that indicated he was, indeed, interested in me. But he never pursued those things he said. This whole song and dance went on for over three years. Finally, one morning he started saying things to me again, and it went on into the afternoon, but he never acted on them. And finally, I said my peace. I made sure he knew how I really felt about him, and I made sure he knew I was rather frustrated with him not ever following through. After that, we haven't had much to do with each other.

Before things finally ended with him, I met another guy. He was cute and fun and I think saying we're the same kind of weird sums up our relationship. And it turned out he has a girlfriend, too. This one, I went a little farther with. We kissed and shared our feelings for each other. Realistically, I knew he wasn't going to break up with his girlfriend for me. And I knew if he did, or if we ever ended up together, I was likely setting myself up to be cheated on. Emotions hit a high and we had to cool it down. This guy is my best friend, and while sometimes our feelings for each other have been confusing, we're better off as best friends, in a relationship with a boundary where we can be completely ourselves with each other. I don't want to be married to him. I cherish this guy and love our friendship and connection, but he's not The One. We might be the same kind of weird, but we're two completely different people and we view the world from completely different angles.

And then there was this third guy. I met him randomly. Because I didn't know him before I met him, or got the chance to get to know him over time from running into him on a regular basis, I was very content to enjoy the time I had with him and work on getting to know him. I was into the taking it slow with him. I enjoyed goofing off with him and learning about him and letting him learn about me. But we had different intentions for the relationship and I decided we were better off as friends, rather than me compromising my desires to get into a relationship that was probably not going to lead to marriage. (And while I'm not sure he was in a relationship when we met, and he wouldn't exactly admit to it being a relationship, he pretty much sounded like he was.)

At this time, work on the business was getting into full swing and I poured myself into it. I considered getting back together with my ex boyfriend, but I knew if I did, nothing would change. So, I sat still for a while and waited.

And I met this guy. This one wasn't a boy. He's a man. A tall, Southern, manly man. He's completely different from any guy in my history. I had no expectations when I met him, and I enjoyed just going with the flow. We both had a lot going on when we started this whatever-it-was and it became clear that we just didn't have time for each other. If I made time for him, I sacrificed other commitments and projects. Also, a bunch of people who knew us seemed to be getting in our business, and while I am sure they had good intentions, it really took the fun out of us getting to know each other and taking it slow. So, it didn't work out.

Something about this last one has done a number on me. I'm beginning to realize why I might have met him. I'm not saying there is a relationship to go anywhere with, but I'm not saying our time of knowing each other is finished, either. We are on speaking terms and I know I can reach out to him if I ever feel like I need him for whatever reason, but I'm not there yet. I'm not sure it's a good idea. So, I will just let the chips fall where they may. If we see each other, we see each other. If he wants to call me or see me, he will. I have no reason to anticipate a possible romantic relationship with him in the future, so this is not where I'm going with this. But he got me feeling. And thinking.

I know that I felt more in the month of February than I have in the past year (not just him, other things happened, as well). I've been on autopilot, just barely functioning, the past year, and then, BOOM!, I meet this guy. Meeting him has turned my world upside down. This world I created for myself that I am not at all satisfied with. We don't know much about each other, so it's been bothering me that I've been so wound up over someone I don't really know. But that's logic. That's left brained stuff. The right brained side of me (that really developed during all the chaos of the past few years), well, it's just a feeling. I may not be able to tell you anything concrete about him (I actually can), but I know he's a good person. He does right by others. I look at him, and I feel like I know everything about him, even though I really know the tip-tippiest-tip of the iceberg. He seeks goodness. He knows what is just. Within a few minutes of meeting him, I completely trusted him. (And given the way we met, that was kind of important because I had to trust him. I had to believe he was a good person. I put my security and safety in his hands.) Yes, I put myself in the situation to do so, but he didn't take the opportunity to hurt me. He hasn't hurt me. The tease of the possibility that this could be it hurt me. It was nothing he did or didn't do. We suffered from terrible timing.

One thing he said to me got me really thinking. He asked me if I ever saw myself leaving the city and moving out in the country. I was caught off guard. I didn't know how to answer that, at that moment, and give him an answer that fit in the parameters of "taking it slow." I mean, the dream has been to have a bed and breakfast on a farm in Auburn (or somewhere close by). I enjoyed From High Heels to Tractor Wheels so much because I got caught up in a love story that sounded like what I wanted. And there was this man sitting across from me, that after re-reading the Pioneer Woman's book the week before, was a version of Marlboro Man. So, yes, I see myself living in the country, but only under certain conditions. I want to be relatively close to a hospital (no more than 30 minutes away, and even then, in the biggest emergency, 30 minutes is a long time). I don't want to live in Walker County. And at that moment, I honestly just couldn't give him that answer in a way that didn't sound like I was jumping the gun. And I haven't gotten the chance to give him that answer. I just shrugged and said, "I don't know."

But that question hovered over me the next several weeks. And things he said hovered over me for the next several weeks. When I started doing my taxes, I was realizing that my expenses were getting out of control. I have expenses that have to be paid and it's costing a lot of money to get the store where it needs to be. I've cut back a lot on my personal spending, but there are ways to trim my spending. I'm sick of seeing the bill total every month, draining my bank account, wishing I could put it into something that will be more fulfilling.

And the biggest thing is I can sell the house I currently live in. The house I feel like I shouldn't have ever bought. In order to do that, I have to truly get rid of all the excess. For Lent, I began working on getting rid of it, and in order to get out of the house I'm in now, I have to do it to an extreme. Clearly, this process was going to take more than 40 days.

I'm still wrapping my head around it and I'm still working up the courage to and working out the plan on how to execute this. I love to entertain. This house has parking, and more space for entertaining. It's perfect for it. I have room for my hobbies in this house. I have room for a dedicated office space. But it's just not worth the expense, especially since I don't have the time to do those things. And I know I don't want to have a home where I make room for my husband. I want us to have a home together.

Initially, I decided to keep the house and live in it until the time comes to move on, and sell my rental property (that is more of a headache and is not income producing). The more I think about it, though, this new house is a black cloud over my life. It is filled with stuff I don't need, not completely finished, and it is a constant reminder of what I've lost, am losing, and don't yet have. I need to be content with where I am.

When people ask me what I want, when we have conversations about my discontent, the answer is I want a husband. I want a marriage. A partnership. I want to be a team with someone. I want us to hold each other up and challenge each other's personal growth. I want us to build a life together. I can't control when, or if, that will happen. But what I learned from this last guy is I want to be ready for when it happens. When I meet that guy, whoever he is, and we start something, I don't want to scramble and stress getting rid of what I don't need. I want to be ready to enjoy getting to know him and building our relationship. When it comes time for marriage, I want to enjoy that time of preparing for the rest of our lives. I've had to wait this long, and I don't know how much longer we'll have to wait to start our life together, but I don't want to waste any time. I'm not saying I want to rush into the relationship. I want to be able to be as fully invested in it as possible. I want to soak up what I have waited so long for and enjoy the moments. I want to be blissfully in love, without stuff I don't need hovering over this goodness.

All this emotional pain I've dealt with the past few weeks, when it became clear me and the guy just weren't working out, and I saw yet another failed potential relationship, I wondered why God kept giving me these teases. Why am I so wound up over a guy I barely know? Why was he put in my life? And then I began to wonder if I was being punished for how we met and how we started (it's a cute story, but the internets doesn't need to know how this all went down yet). But then I know that God doesn't punish us on this earth. God doesn't even want to punish us. He loves us and he sacrificed His son, Jesus gave his life, so that our sins are paid for. I messed up, I know. I behaved inappropriately. But I am loved. If I get nothing out of this, I wish wholeheartedly I could take it back. But I can't. And I have to listen to why this happened. I have to listen for the deeper meaning to this. God wouldn't have made this happen if it wasn't for a reason.

Turn and face the strange, part 1

Off and on for years, I've written about some of my exploits, some of my struggles, my desires for a husband and kids, my love for all things Southern. It's a lot. I felt like I had to grow up really fast on my way to college, and through those years. I always assumed, like most Southern girls who want to get married and have kids, I would meet my husband in college and we'd get engaged by graduation, and married within a year or so, depending on when the engagement took place and what our grad school plans were, and the rest would be history.

Well, obviously, that's not what happened for me. I'm okay with it. Sure, I'd like to be able to have all that extra time to be madly in love and make more babies, but it's not what God's plan for me was.

When I got The Boyfriend at the end of my college years, I just assumed we'd break up quickly or get married. The longer we were together, the more I (and many others) felt we should be getting married. And then he broke up with me. Because I "should be getting married and having babies." At that moment, all I wanted was him. Forget the marriage and babies. I just wanted my boyfriend back.

Way too soon after, my health problems started. I was in grad school. I had a broken heart. I was volunteering like crazy. And I was freaking out because my life wasn't going according to the plan I thought it would. My left brained personality had no clue how to process, function, experience all this right brained life I was experiencing.

The decision to drop out of my grad school program did not come lightly. I attempted starting another one, but that was too much for me with my health problems. I got my boyfriend back. I was searching for answers to my health woes, and I completely believed I would get answers. (Because, well, how in the world could someone feel so bad for so long? Um, as it turns out, it happens all the time to many people. It just isn't talked about because people can't wrap their heads around it.) I was working three jobs, and I was able to get my first house.

By the end of the first year of owning the house, my boyfriend and I were living together, with our many cats and a rabbit, and I was living the almost dream. I did the laundry, the grocery shopping, paid the bills, worked my flexible job, took the animals to the vet, and nursed my fatigue and nausea in between. Some days were terrible, some were splendid. But I still found myself dreaming for more.

Then my grandfather died.

Those three weeks he was in the hospital, watching him go downhill and not seeing the doctors do anything (while they remained positive or unconcerned about his declining health), and then losing my grandfather, my Papa, wow ... I just couldn't handle it. I realized I had to start making some changes in my life if I wanted to have anyone left to celebrate it with. I also realized that I was following a path I thought I should take, instead of following my heart.

My boyfriend wasn't down with getting married. He had always been upfront about it with me, but there would be times he would say things that made my young, naive heart and mind think, "If I just give it some time, he'll come around." Some of his family and friends said the same thing, so that didn't exactly help my judgment.

And then I had my gall bladder removed. And then things started spiraling.

I moved to Auburn. I had this grand plan to downsize my possessions and move into this tiny condo. My mother talked me out of it. I kept the tiny condo and bought more stuff. Before I knew it, I had at least double of everything. One for Auburn, one for Birmingham. My boyfriend and I were off and on. (And we finally, finally broke up.) My health problems were multiplying. It was getting nuts. I needed an outlet, and I found it in Widespread Panic concerts, especially ones I had to travel for.

I also decided to start a home-based arts and crafts business. Between travelling between Auburn and Birmingham all the time, and not having much room to start the business in either place, I realized I had to make some changes.

My grandmothers were both in declining health, and I felt like I was needing to be back in Birmingham a lot. I also had more room (but not enough) there to launch the business. So, I made the hard decision to come back, and (until the past couple months) I completely regretted it.  And then I made the decision to rent my house in Birmingham and buy another house in Birmingham. (I had good logic on that decision - good neighborhood, good floorplan, good schools, big enough so I would never have to move again, etc.)

Buying that house should never have happened. I spent way more money than I should have on contractors and handymen. The work dragged on for months. Something that seriously, realistically should have been done in three months took over six before I finally gave up and got the workers out of my house and tabled the updates and repairs. I spent way too much money because I didn't have the room and time to sort through boxes of stored items I just bought more stuff. Absolutely out of control.

In the past year, I immersed myself in launching my business, which evolved into a boutique and gift shop and got my house livable, but not finished. Both my grandmothers died within just over a year of each other, one of them before she could even see the house I bought. Both before they could take advantage of the house I bought that I was making changes to in anticipation of them being there more, and making modifications so they could be there easier.

But every time I see where the house isn't what I want. Every time I can't fit something somewhere just so. Every time I can't decide how to finish a project. Every time a light bulb blows or something breaks. Every time something isn't right with that house, I am reminded I should not have bought it.

Now that things are beginning to settle down, I realize the hectic life was distracting me from the real problems. I bought into the idea that I needed more, instead of staying focused on the original goal, which was to downsize and breathe some fresh air. I kept buying shit to distract me from what wasn't right with my life and to cover up my previous impulsive choices. I kept buying stuff in anticipation of the future, when I don't know what the future holds.

2014 Year in Review

Well, I can't say I'm sad to see 2014 go. It was a good year in terms of getting rid of excess (or moving in that direction), but - wow! - not that great of a year.

So, let's begin the annual year in review ...

January - Rang it in doing the Widespread Panic couch tour from my mom's house. Cold winter weather. Auburn lost to FSU in national championship game. Cold winter weather. BB King Concert. Cold winter weather. Danced my ass off with II Da Maxx (ortho shoe and all). Got iced in.

February - Cold winter weather. Went on an actual date. Cold winter weather. Valentines Day with my crew.

March - Widespread Panic Wood Tour. Didn't hear "Fishing."

April - Fired a contractor. Snapped on the carpool drivers. Happy birthday to me! Got hit on in TJ Maxx.

May - Eric Clapton, Lady Antebellum concerts. Got all inspired to do the current business model. Dave Matthews Band concert.

June/July - Big blur! Yeast allergy diagnosis. In a walking boot. Missed a lot of concerts. Worked on the business.

August - Motley Crue concert (sucked!), worked, realized yeast free was not the life for me

September - Football season, lease on store, work, Spiritual Gifts Bible Study began

October - Montgomery, Huntsville, Memphis Widespread Panic shows, work on the store

November - work on the store

December - work on the store and open!

Wow.

Yesterday sucked. I had a really shitty day. It started great. I woke up earlier than I needed to, got errands run, parked illegally at UAB and didn't get a parking ticket (score!), and then I went to the doctor. Like with the tests I was given to take home and collect samples on myself, I didn't fully comprehend everything while I was being told. Heterozygously positive for two mutations of the MTHFR gene, yeast, yeast allergy, anxiety, depression, approved food list, more results to come (and then there was the, "Wow! You must have a really healthy diet! Some things could be better, but you're actually pretty healthy." Don't let my obesity fool you. I may not look it, but other than feeling like crap, I am actually healthy.) ... Yeah, it was a lot. And it was presented so matter-of-fact and focused on how managing the results will make me feel so much better, that, well, the reality didn't set in until I left. And then some things happened later, completely unrelated to this, and that capped off my day. Ugh!

When I looked more closely at the yeast thing, all I wanted to tell someone was, "I'm fu[dged]." And I did tell one person that.

I've written my health journey out before. Well, in bits and pieces. But, basically, a little over seven years ago, I started feeling nauseous and fatigued and I had this annoying, intermittent pain on my stomach. Doctors, endoscopy, ultrasounds, CT scan, bloodwork, a frantic call to my gynecologist (family history of ovarian cancer, personal history of ovarian cysts, GI troubles - an early warning sign of ovarian cancer, and, BOOM! I'm in my gynecologist's office) ... nothing. More doctors, waiting, tweaking medications to manage GI symptoms (and oh my word, the side effects!) ... nothing. New GI doc, more tests (radioactive tests are no fun, by the way ... nausea that can't be cured by taking a phenergan, edginess, sluggishness, irritability ... they don't tell you about all that). Saw a surgeon. Had my gall bladder removed. Still nauseated. Still fatigued. Only I have holes in my abdomen from infected incisions and they heal up leaving painful knots. (And to this day, if I sneeze the wrong way, I end up with an intense pain coming from one of them.) Oh, and I get this random, intense pressure feeling across my mid back a few times a week, usually between 4 AM and 6 AM that lasts about 20 minutes and takes a couple hours to sleep off because it takes that much out of me. Pain and fatigue symptoms worsen. Start getting tendinitis everywhere possible. Thyroid is crazy. ANA (autoimmune marker) barely positive. Three endocrinologists later and I have one confirmed autoimmune disease (Graves) that flares up with the other undiagnosed autoimmune (lupus? something else?). Occasional migraines. It just doesn't stop. And we don't know what is actually wrong, and how many things, creating all these problems.

I don't think some people realize how nauseated I get. As for the pain, I'm so used to it, I don't always notice it. I just keep on trucking at reduced levels.

Dealing with my health problems has been very overwhelming the past seven years. I don't talk about it as much as I should because if I did, that is all people would hear. I also like having the escape from it (if I don't talk about it and ignore how I feel, then I can pretend it doesn't exist). In addition to it being emotionally draining to not know what is wrong with me, only having clues based on what some medical tests about me may say and from paying attention to how my body reacts after I eat certain foods or do certain things, it's also financially draining. Going to the doctor and having all kinds of tests run is expensive, with or without insurance. Fighting for my right to access to healthcare, when I already feel so horrible doesn't help anything. And then there is the cynicism that comes when I am getting a new test run. After the first few times, I conditioned myself not to expect anything.

When people ask me why I feel like I do, and if I have seen a doctor and why if I've seen a doctor I don't know what's wrong, I really don't know how to respond. And it's awkward to be put on the spot when you're the one feeling bad. When people ask me how I could get sore after playing cornhole, that's one of those things about what is wrong with me. Or when I'm nauseated, people think I'm contagious with a stomach bug. People put me on the defensive all the time without realizing it.

Yes, I look physically able, but I'm not as physically able as I should be and I'm not as physically able as I would like. I have had to completely change my life because of this, but I try not to dwell on my past aspirations and instead focus on future ones. Living is draining, but I do it anyway because I know no matter what I will feel bad and I may as well have some fun feeling that way. If I told people how I actually felt every day, we wouldn't have time to talk about anything else. And everyone would just be really depressed.

So, back to yesterday... Yeast. Yeast, yeast, yeast. I'm allergic to it. My levels are over three times what the maximum level of normal range is. There are some other things that showed up that are managed by cutting out yeast. All I could think of was, "And I mentally prepared myself to hear that I have cancer." (Because, well, that's what I thought could be the worst case scenario and as long as it wasn't gluten, I could face it.) Well, it's worse than gluten. And it's not going to kill me. But, it's worse than a gluten allergy. Not to make this sound worse than cancer, but it's very life altering. And the treatment isn't very healthy. (And, I do know a little about how cancer affects people. My Granny had ovarian cancer when I was 15. And that's really bad and really scary, but she survived it. I figured if she and the rest of the family could get through that, well, I could get through it, too. Not that it would be easy, but it definitely wouldn't have been our first rodeo.)

I was given a list of approved foods. Yeast is in so much that when you can't eat it, it's easier to give a list of foods you can have, instead of what you need to avoid. I'll link to that list in a separate tab. Click here for link.

Unfortunately, this is not going to be a healthy diet. I will have to take supplements because I won't be able to get all the nutrients I should have from food. It should make me feel a lot better, but it is something I will have to strictly follow for six months. After that, I can test out "cheat days" and decide how often and how worth it they really are. This is a lifetime thing. And it is very life altering. No bread, no sugar, no alcohol, no starches, no dairy (except plain yogurt), mostly no fruits (lemon, coconut, cranberry and rhubarb are acceptable), and miscellaneous other items in varying categories (no peanuts, carrots, corn, pork, condiments, and probably more I haven't realized yet). There are yeast free fad diets that can be viewed online, but they are more generous than what the information my doctor gave me will allow. It's going to be okay.

I'm making my peace with it, but I also know this is going to royally suck. I can't just go out to eat. I can't just make a sandwich. I have to plan ahead and plan thoughtfully. I can't just go over to someone's house for dinner, and going out of town for a night ... I don't know. So, if you don't want to follow the list of approved foods when you want to cook for me, don't be ashamed, embarrassed, or angry when I bring my own food with me.

In. Your. Face.

While I was a student at UAB, there was a strong air of superiority permeating the campus climate. My first week there, I realized very quickly that UAB was no Auburn. As my first semester wore on, my realization proved correct countless times.

I would wear my Auburn sweatshirt hoodie (not intending to be disrespectful to UAB, it was just my most comfortable, beloved article of clothing) and hear ugly comments downing Auburn. I would be loaded down with books and whatnot, trying to enter a building, only to have a person eighteen inches in front of me let a door slam in my face. I would hear the groans in Freshman and Sophomore level classes the first day when professors announced we would be writing a three to five page paper by the end of the semester. I would deal with drivers who didn't know how to yield to pedestrians. I would hear comments describing how UAB was such a wonderful institution, focused on academics over football. I did my partying in a bar and my shopping by myself. I wasted a good portion of my day with a full back pack and, usually, an additional bag to carry all my stuff I needed for the day, waiting around for the next class to start.

Well, UAB, suck on this: Auburn was just named the best research university in the state by TheBestSchools.org.

Not only does Auburn excel at football, we also do in academics.

I didn't have the best GPA while I was at Auburn. (Although, it was steadily increasing, following a rough first semester.) I didn't party all the time, but when I did, I really threw down. I always had a shopping buddy on hand. I witnessed many an Auburn man fall over himself sprinting to open a door for me, and other ladies, from 30 yards away. Football was interesting. Classmates were cordial and pleasant. When we did see someone wearing an Alabama item, we just assumed they lost a bet and didn't address the situation. And walking back and forth to my apartment during breaks between classes, I never once had to question if a car would stop for me while I was crossing the street.

My GPA at UAB skyrocketed. First, I've been writing three to five page papers since I was in junior high, if not late elementary school. Second, those rigid academic expectations at Auburn that were GPA killers for me? UAB had nothing on them. Everything was a breeze.

Liberal Arts academics at UAB were such a joke, in some classes, when I got my grades back at the end of a semester and found a B staring at me for a class I rocked, I couldn't contain the panty wadding. I made A's on all of my tests (one was something like a 98 or 99, and I was marked off on a technicality). I read all the books. The final was a freaking take home, open book final. I showed up for class more than the professor. I also had to force myself not to answer too many times during discussions, when only the first two rows of students seemed to participate. So, imagine my increased blood pressure when the professor emailed me back saying s/he generously gave me a passing participation grade for showing up on discussion days, but not actively participating. Um, said professor acknowledged my comments every discussion. When I went to our meeting to go over my final, I was told my final might have been graded a bit harshly, which, upon further inspection by the professor, I was given some extra points to make the total semester grade an A. But, still, to this day, the whole discussion and attendance thing pisses me off.

And don't even get me started on my grad school professor who, also, didn't show up for class very often, and even though I didn't complete all the assignments, blessed me with a stellar passing A or B. And that was from someone who is training the future educators of this world. Oh, the irony.

So, in summation, Auburn rocks. Both at football and academics. Rant over.

2013 in Review

Coming to you from Birmingham, Alabama (not Atlanta, Georgia, as originally planned), listening to Widespread Panic NYE via Sirius XM channel 29 on my computer (not live from Phillips Arena, as originally planned) ...

Let's see if I can remember much of 2013 before these past few months ...

January - Rang in the new year in Auburn, sleeping, with a broken toe. Enjoyed Mo's company the next day, night, and following morning (dinner at Arricia, pedis and lunch at Amsterdam the next day). Went back to Birmingham for a bit. Sold Allie the Acura, bought a minivan that didn't fit in my garage, returned it (thank you, CarMax!) and headed back to Auburn in Mom's car to prepare for League Aid.

February - Got out of the broken toe boot. League Aid. Huge surprise success! Returned to Birmingham, bought a Subaru Forester and cursed the car every time I got in it. Kid Rock concert. (I think some people hadn't left their Y2K shelters since he busted out on the scene.) Finally got down Christmas decorations at the tail end of the month.

March - Ummm ... pretty much consumed with planning for turning 30. And I started shooting whiskey. Straight up. Word.

April - Bought myself a VW Eos for my birthday and it is THE BEST CAR I HAVE EVER OWNED. Saw Dave Matthews Band. Turned 30 (Lakeview pub and street vendor crawl, sleep, Avondale Brewery, Melting Pot with family and close friends, attempted "Mad Men" viewing party). Woke up one morning in a panic due to my apparent biological clock. Got over the panic. Rusted Root concert. Grand hippie road trip to Atlanta - Black Crowes, Widespread Panic x2. Additionally in ATL, ate some good food (Mary Mac's, Daddy D'z), Little Five Points, GA Aquarium, Underground ATL, got drunk with these cool folks on a Botanical Gardens tour. Alice in Chains concert.

May - Tim McGraw concert, Toad the Wet Sprocket concert. Started house hunting, ummmmm... I don't know if I'm going to want to remember the Cigar Bar night or not. That's a good story. It required a couple nights in Auburn to decompress before heading to Knoxville. But before I could go to Knoxville, I had a special night planned with a special friend. The night went horribly awry and there are some crazy pictures to prove it.

June - Wow. At first, it seemed rather uneventful, then I remember how it started. After that horribly awry night, my special friend ended up passed out in my foyer and upon waking up on June 1, we spent a wonderful morning napping off the night before and getting to know each other better. Nothing naughty or scandalous. Just cementing a friendship. I headed off to Knoxville, had to stay the night when I was almost an hour away because the weather was THAT bad. Was totally in my element in Knoxville. And it was hot for once. Two nights of Widespread. Got back to Birmingham and let the house hunt continue ... Lilly acted a slut ... was either drugged or I learned my limit on Fireball the hard way ... house hunt.

July - House hunt. Boy drama. Widespread Panic. Wow. It was awesome! House hunt.

August - Moved out of the townhouse, into Mom's house and storage. Matchbox 20/Goo Goo Dolls concert. Started the final preparations to close on the new place. Spent a lot of time in Auburn this month. Drank a lot. Cursed a lot. Feared a nervous breakdown. Oh, and hello, football season! Joined a pool league.

September - Football. Football. Got a new baby cousin. Mumford & Sons concert. Junior League of Birmingham kicks off. Black Crowes with Space. Closed on house. Made sweet memories. Mom's birthday. Moved out of storage.

October - Widespread in Tuscaloosa. Auburn weekend with Space. Started work on house. Felt like I had a boyfriend for about two weeks. Montgomery for Sarah and Ian's wedding reception. Got sick. Halloween.

November - What?!? Where did October go? Honestly, at this point right now, I would love to have October and the first half of November back. I spent the first half of the month in the throes of rental drama, home repairs stalled, trying to stay warm at night, and just overall stressed. Then Granny died. It was so unexpected and so, so sad. Auburn beat Georgia. Alabama concerts. Auburn moved up two spots on the BCS and didn't even play that week. (That's when I knew something really special was happening.) Thanksgiving. Auburn won the Iron Bowl. And I started to kick a little ass at pool, finally.

December - Auburn won the SEC championship! And Ohio State lost their conference championship! Nana Funks annual Christmas party. Got a pedicure, the pedicurist yanked my formerly broken toe a little too hard, and well, my annual Christmas party, Christmas, got to the podiatrist, and me and my left little toe have come full circle since last year. And that, my friends, is why I am not in Atlanta. I didn't think it wise to be flying solo, bundled up, toting my poster tube across my chest and my Kavu backpack across my back, hobbling around downtown Atlanta on New Year's Eve and braving a concert in the boot.

I think I went to more concerts than I mentioned. I just can't remember them all. Oops :(  Concert of the year definitely goes to Alice in Chains. Ohmigosh. That show was so beautiful and energizing! Loved it! Now, I really enjoyed some Widespread, and although I missed a total of six shows I intended to go to, I will have to put Widespread in their own category and say that the Birmingham and Spring Atlanta shows were the best, and there is no way to compare the two to determine which was actually the best show.

Let's see ... advice of the year: if something feels wrong about a house deal, don't go through with it. So much was wrong with other places, and this one really was in the best structural condition, but the negotiation was so not worth it. I said so many times I was over it and done with the deal, and there were so many opportunities for me to get out of it, and I don't think people really took me seriously when I said I didn't want the house any more. I couldn't even take myself seriously. I was so stressed I had no idea whether my decision was based on anxiety or truth. I've only spent three scattered nights in my new place and I had someone spend the night with me. That house is creepy at night and even though things are moving along, I just feel like it's stalled. And I really don't care. Honestly, I am terrified of living by myself in that house and there have been so many painful memories and emotions because of it I am beginning to resent the house a little bit.

So, I had a lot of fun this year, but I also experienced a lot of emotional pain. I'm ready to clean slate this bitch and move forward.

In the new year, I will ...

Be conscientious of how I treat myself. I'm not going to treat myself to mani pedis, massages, nights in hotels, room service, fancy meals, happy hours, retail therapy, etc, just because I had a bad day or week and/or just felt like I needed it. I'll still do all that to a degree, but not justify it as a band aid for the real problems. Instead, I am going to focus on nourishing myself in a positive way. My me-time and personal treats are not going to be mostly empty any more. Since I'm gaining confidence and skill in pool, I am going to pursue that. I am going to keep up with the bass and try to focus more to excel in that. Maybe I'll go back to school. Maybe I'll start going to church. (I really, truly intend to, but I also have intended to since February, and every week, Sunday rolls around, and I'm either out of town or forget what day it is.) Maybe, if I'm not obsessively house hunting, recovering from pneumonia, or experiencing a broken/near broken toe, I'll start working the gym back into my life. Maybe, if I ever feel comfortable in my home, I'll start cooking all those healthy, delicious meals I used to cook, and try a few new dishes out.

Force myself to go to Auburn for at least a few days every month. I'm keeping my "vacation condo" for a reason, and I better put it to good use.

Sell at least one item from Queen B.

Limbo

So, I just have to vent. For once, this isn't about finding a husband or my medical woes. Oddly, I don't feel the urgency or need for those things to be settled right now. It feels good for once, but I guess I have to feel urgency and need about something.

For the past several years, I've been living in two places. It was fun at first, but I longed to be rooted in Auburn. With grandmothers not doing so hot, and always being back in Birmingham, I decided to table the Auburn dream and root back in the 'Ham. My townhouse here never got on the sales market (because there was just no way it would sell at a reasonable price for me), and it never rented out. I considered renting, but let's be real - who would rent to someone with four cats and a dog? Next, I thought about moving back into Mom's house. She pretty much has an apartment in her basement. I offered to do renovations and work to update the basement and make it really nice to live in (it's awesome, just needs some updating), but my brother still lives at her house and that would cut into his music room. All the while, I was peeking on the MLS from time to time, browsing homes for sale.

Last year, I looked at some places. Some were pretty neat, but I really just don't want to live alone right now. It's not that I'm afraid or anything, I just like having people to cook for and be around. I looked at a few places a couple weeks ago and it was a total bust.

This week, I bit the bullet and braved the more expensive homes. I don't want to spend a ton of money on a THIRD home until I get the townhouse figured out, but because the housing market is turning around, homes are higher priced than before, and they are selling quickly, so I feel a little pressure to make my move on something if I like it. I looked at the higher priced homes because I wanted to compare what I would be getting with them against what I would get with the cheaper ones (and I was realizing the amount of money I would spend to update the cheaper ones would come close to costing the price of a more expensive one).

Well, I found a house. I crunched numbers, I took an AWESOME, VERY NICE, VERY INFORMED friend to look at the house yesterday and help me peek around and find ways to justify offering a lower price on the home. We found some problems with it, but all fairly straightforward fixes. I got creative on how to come up with the extra money needed for the higher down payment, and I made an offer. Everyone involved (on my side) was very pleased with the house and excited about the move.

This house was made for me. Open floor plan. garden tub, huge walk-in closet, lots of natural light, awesome basement and other cool features, and not much yard. I researched prices of bumper pool tables and dart board machines, closet built-ins, and wall paper. I made a list of all my furniture and started planning how everything would fit.

Turns out, the house sold yesterday. It was a cash sale, no inspection, barely a contract period (I'm talking a couple of days). I am crushed. The thing is, my best friend from high school and her daughter (my goddaughter) are planning on living with me. This house is a girl's house. It was made for us. And if my townhouse is going to be rented, I have to get the cats out ASAP (because people who don't like cats, and to be fair, are allergic, tend to have extreme reactions to cats having ever been in a house). To get the cats out, I need a place to put them. To have a place to put them, I have to have a place ready to move in. To be ready to move in, I need to have the house painted and any renovations that need to be done, finished to get the cats in. In order to launch my craft business, I need a good workspace, which I don't have in the townhome. In order to start having income, I need to launch my business.

So, back to the title of the post, I'm in limbo. I'm not giving up, but I'm not going to lie: I'm living in complete denial about the house I want. It's still listed as active on the websites, and there's something so shady sounding about the deal, I'm really wanting to believe it's not true. Hopefully, the house will be mine, but I don't want to live in un-reality, either.

It's just a really frustrating time and I am so ready for everything to be settled.