Psalm 62:8

Trust in him at all times, you people;

    pour out your hearts to him,

    for God is our refuge.

Psalm 62:8

2015 was a big year for me. Lots of things were happening and some of the people in my life I usually go to with big things on my heart weren't there in a way I needed them to be. Not in a bad way, but because there were things I hadn't felt before and didn't know how to verbalize it, I just didn't know where to go. It also wasn't stuff that needed a resolution so much as I just needed to let it out. So, I went to God. 

You know what's good about that? I can tell Him anything, I don't have to carefully choose my words, and I don't have to leave certain parts of the story out - He already knows. He doesn't talk back, He responds. And it feels so good to be able to put it all out there. 

It's hard sometimes, when there is so much running through my head. I have trouble focusing. Because of this, I type out a lot of my prayers on the blog and leave them as drafts. I can type a lot faster than I can write and maintain my train of thought (or go back to it when I get off on a tangent). 

The nature of my prayers have changed drastically lately. I really want to sit down and pray for things that are unsettled right now, but I want to focus on other things in my life at this moment. That is the beauty of listening to God. I wake up and peek at the skyline and thank Him for this beautiful day and this beautiful life. I know that feeling could change at any moment, but I am feeling content, and no matter what happens as the day unfolds, I have that bit of contentment each morning. 

People keep telling me how good I've been looking lately. It's true. These past few months, I have been relishing this sparkle I have back. I noticed it back when the man and I went to Auburn the first time. It wasn't because of him so much, as it was because of God's faithfulness. 

The months between us meeting and that quick Auburn trip were mostly filled with a lot of anguish. I didn't like it. I didn't like being so wound up over a person, especially a person I barely knew. I didn't like the tease of a possible relationship and it not happen, yet again. I didn't like not having an outlet for those feelings. I didn't like how this one person sparked so much change in my life.

I want to be very clear. I didn't make those changes for him. I made them for me. I had a te-niny sample of a life I never imagined, but always wanted. And I knew the life I was living wasn't going there. For a long time, I yearned for a simpler life, but some way or another, I kept digging myself deeper and deeper into an abyss of complication. I channeled all that anguish into energy to move forward in my life. I took a huge leap of faith. I trusted that if I got rid of the stuff in my life that was contributing to holding me back, I would be blessed with a reward better than my dreams.

I began moving forward, but I don't know what direction I'm going. 

Sometimes, it's scary and I doubt it. Sometimes, it's frustrating and I get overwhelmed. But I am living the dream. 

I've learned how to listen. I've learned how to trust timing. I've learned how to be at peace with things not happening the way I want.

And it's all because I met a guy, a boy died, and I decided to get rid of my stuff. 

Actually, it's because I met a guy, a boy died, and I took refuge in God's love and found myself in a different kind of relationship that I had only read and heard about. I learned the art of listening to God. I learned the art of embracing the not good things that happen. 

There is so much to be done, and there is so much I would rather be doing at any moment. But, if I can't do what I want, I distract myself by doing what needs to be done that can be done. 

You know that line in "Me and Bobby McGee," "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose?"

I completely understand it.

When you're content, you're free from the bondage of society. When you're content, nothing can be taken from you that you don't need.

That doesn't mean there won't be pain, that doesn't mean there won't be loss, that doesn't mean it's all easy. Society and human nature trick us into believing happiness is our ultimate goal and we need things to be happy. 

The pursuit of happiness is bullshit. 

The pursuit of happiness isn't even on my radar anymore. 

When I learned to embrace the not good, I became aware of even more goodness. When I accepted the feelings that made me uncomfortable, I became aware of a high stronger and better than anything I've ever imagined. 

I grew up with an emotionally abusive alcoholic father. I grew up with a toxic parental relationship (and still deal with it from my mother). I was bullied when I got moved to another side of town, and the bullying continued for several years. I was silenced whenever I tried to express pain (basically, "get over it"). I suffered from anxiety and depression. People make decisions for me without my consent. I battled autoimmune diseases for most of my twenties. Three out of four of my grandparents had Parkinson's Disease, and all four of them had bad circumstances leading to their deaths. My father died when I was twenty. I had my gall bladder removed and have to deal with the repercussions of that for the rest of my life. And I could go on and on. 

All things considered, until this year, I came out of all that pretty well. I have made my peace with loss and all the not good things. They happened. I look at it, and I acknowledge it, and I move forward. 

That being said, those things contribute to who I am. I still deal with being afflicted by them. But that stuff doesn't get to hold me back from living. 

The great purge is still continuing. It's a process. It's hard to get rid of things that came into my life with good intentions. (So, for anyone considering a massive purge, I recommend getting rid of things a little at a time. When you have trouble letting something go, just put it back in its place for a little while, until you're ready to let it go. You'll know when the time is right. Also, it helps to give things with more sentimental value to people who will appreciate it the same way you do.) I got rid of so much stuff in February, stuff that I just didn't need, before I became inspired to mindfully purge. Then I decided to do the purge and I got rid of a bunch more stuff. I moved with the intention of not bringing anything into the house I didn't want. Guess what happened? More purging, that took up more than a hallway. It's January 2 and I already have a good pile starting. 

In all honesty, I'm probably at the tip of the iceberg. There's more in this life I live holding me back than I like to admit. I saw the following quote on Wild Woman Sisterhood the other day and it really spoke to me, in terms of what I've been doing with my life lately.

Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.

I have started peeling back the layers. I've stuck with counseling for nearly two years. I'm digging deep, little by little. I'm purging the stuff. I'm mindful of the cocktail of my state of mind and my surroundings. I challenge myself. I accept that I don't have to be a certain anything. 

And you know what? I am content. I like the mindset I'm in. I like where I am, I like the idea of where I'm going (even though I still have no clue what direction it is). And it's all because I chose to pour it out to God.