After last week's purge regarding my thoughts on sex and relationships, I feel like I have to follow it up with something. After all, something started happening, and then it didn't. (Sorry for the spoiler.)
So, I started messaging with a guy. We exchanged numbers. We talked. We texted. We made plans to meet. I freaked the fudge out! I'm talking about-to-get-on-an-airplane or about-to-have-surgery tears and shaking. My good friend talked me down and I pulled myself together and got all dolled up (well, as dolled up as appropriate for a mid-range chain restaurant), and went to my bass lesson. And that's when I got the text that he had to cancel on me. Honestly, I was relieved, but I was so angry, too. I mean, I put an effort into what I would wear so I looked nice, but not too nice for the restaurant. I put an effort into my makeup. And I dressed up quit a bit more than I would prefer to go to bass class (there's always a bunch of guys hanging out there, but I'm going for the bass lesson, not the dating). While it was some notice, it was pretty much last minute notice since I had to get ready before bass class.
Looking all classy and cool like I did, I had to go out, and so I did. I hit up Kelley's, then went to Courtyard. I got popcorn, salsa, the best wings EVER, and a couple of Andygators (my new obsession).
This brought on some flashbacks to about twelve years ago, when I had been chatting with this guy on AOL for a few months. It turned out he worked with one of my classmates on a fundraiser, so it wasn't SO intimidating, meeting someone online and all. We chatted, we emailed, we talked, we made plans. And the day of the date, he cancelled on me. While I think it was for the best since I was so young back then, nd he was a few years older, the event still haunts me.
See, I've never really dated anyone.
Everyone I recount this to says it counts as a date, but I didn't quite get it, and it was so last minute, I don't really count it, but I guess, technically, my first real date (non-formal, regular kind of evening date) was the summer before my senior year of high school. We went to a Mitch Hedburg show. How's that for an awesome first-date-ever story? :)
Then there was that AOL guy.
And then there was college. I always called them best friends dates because we were best friends, and one time I had to borrow my old neighbor from his girlfriend, and this one time another old neighbor and I hung out all day and made dinner plans and he kept trying to pay for everything, and I didn't know what to think of it all, so I out drank him until he passed out. I used to be good at that.
And there was the time I met up with this guy I was talking to every night to "hang out."
Looking back, maybe "hang out" was code word for a date?
But the first date that I really count was with one of my old bartenders. It all just kind of happened, and it's kind of a crazy story, but we went to Surin West for dinner on my birthday. And then he went crazy. After I was letting my guard down with him and all ...
And then there was Space. Our first official date (we just kind of happened, and I guess we fell instantly in like and got to know each other for an entire weekend before he realized the error of his ways and took me on a real date) was to Surin West, of course. And that relationship stuck because he didn't like cocaine more than he liked me.
And I haven't dated anyone since Space. And it's time. It's been two, almost two and a half, years. We were together for five. It. Is. So. Time.
And I think I have decided to going back to dating the old fashioned way, even though it wasn't working out. Meeting someone in person is so much better because you can instantly gauge chemistry, and when you know the chemistry is there, and you've already faced this person in real life, things aren't so scary as when you're about to go on that date with the person you've never met.
While I can do without the butterflies, it's nice to know they are there because you know the person is special. Maybe they won't end up being special enough, but it means there's something worth checking out.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Sex and the Single Girl
Yesterday, I posted this on Facebook: "This might be why I'm 29 and single (and if
this is why, I will be happily single for as long as it takes), but why
does it seem that every possible romantic relationship these days is
founded on sex? Why can't we build up to that instead of being expected
to start with it?"
Now, before people start accusing me of being a prude, or being old fashioned, hear me out.
I do the dating website thing, I am open to new opportunities, everyone knows I am looking for a relationship (although I think most of my single friends don't quite understand me since they are single by choice). I am surrounded by sex - television, movies, music, advertising, books, friends' conquests, and getting hit on in the most vulgar of ways. And then there are the seemingly nice guys who are all talk and no action. Where is the balance? And being surrounded by so much sex, it makes the stubborn side of me rear its head and I stand my ground.
I'm not going to have sex with a guy before or on the first date thinking it's going to get me into a relationship. If I did, this sends the message that sex is so important to the relationship that our sexual capabilities are the most integral part to the relationship. When the guys on the dating website, or who hit on me by asking me to take them home or to go home with them or something else way worse, that puts sex too quickly into the possible relationship for me. Having sex with someone, just to have sex is wasting my time. If I want a real relationship, and I'm not going to settle on someone good enough, why would I settle for an empty physical symbol of a relationship?
When sex is the foundation for a relationship, and nothing else replaces it as the foundation, what will happen when, and if, God forbid, something happens so that we can't have sex? What if one, or both, of us is disabled in a way so that we can't have sex? What if we have to be apart for an extended amount of time?
If we have nothing else in common that we are equally passionate about, how do we continue the relationship when sex can no longer be a part of it?
Yes, I believe the act of sex is an integral part to a relationship. However, I think of it as symbolic of the mutual intimacy, love, and all those good relationship things, we feel for each other. Sex does not equal love, intimacy, respect, trust, admiration, etc. It is a physical act that can express those feelings, but it does not equal them. It's also one of those things that, given extenuating circumstances, is not 100% crucial to having a healthy relationship. Thankfully, there are several ways you and your partner can express your feelings for one another.
I'm looking for a husband. I'm not looking for a husband so I can have a wedding (although, I would like to celebrate the milestone with loved ones). I'm not looking for a husband to validate me as a human. I'm looking for a husband so I may be a part of a marriage. I desire a partner to share the experience of life. Yeah, I can do it on my own, and with miscellaneous other people, but I want the total package, the commitment. I want the freaking fairy tale, and I 100% deserve it.
Relationships are kind of like that rule of physics, where a body in motion will stay in motion until acted on by an outside force. Outside forces affect the relationship, and it's up to the couple to be a team and overcome the outside forces so the couple may maintain their motion, or their relationship. If one of the partners always carries the weight of the relationship and the other always takes a more passive role, the relationship is weakened over time because the passive partner isn't building strength to overcome the force and the dominant partner grows weary after a while, and loses strength. It doesn't mean that equality must always be maintained in the relationship, but there must be a fair balance to the equilibrium of the relationship.
The other side to the rule of physics I am writing about is a body at rest will stay at rest until acted on by an outside force. When the relationship settles into a regular routine, outside forces can easily disturb it because the partners have both become lazy. While equilibrium is maintained, it can be rather hard to overcome the forces when you forget how to work for it.
Because relationships are constantly affected by outside forces, they must remain in motion, each partner always working as a team, as balanced as possible, to overcome the outside forces. It's impossible for each partner of the couple to fiercely maintain their independence because it takes power away from the couple itself.
While my last relationship didn't work out, it was a great learning experience. I gained a great friend, discovered I am capable of long term commitment, and know that in my next relationship, I have to have someone dedicated to working on the relationship, as it evolves. I also learned how sex fits into a relationship. Sex seems like just the tip of the iceberg to the physics of a relationship, and I don't want to start a relationship off by building it too top heavy because it is bound to collapse at some point.
Now, before people start accusing me of being a prude, or being old fashioned, hear me out.
I do the dating website thing, I am open to new opportunities, everyone knows I am looking for a relationship (although I think most of my single friends don't quite understand me since they are single by choice). I am surrounded by sex - television, movies, music, advertising, books, friends' conquests, and getting hit on in the most vulgar of ways. And then there are the seemingly nice guys who are all talk and no action. Where is the balance? And being surrounded by so much sex, it makes the stubborn side of me rear its head and I stand my ground.
I'm not going to have sex with a guy before or on the first date thinking it's going to get me into a relationship. If I did, this sends the message that sex is so important to the relationship that our sexual capabilities are the most integral part to the relationship. When the guys on the dating website, or who hit on me by asking me to take them home or to go home with them or something else way worse, that puts sex too quickly into the possible relationship for me. Having sex with someone, just to have sex is wasting my time. If I want a real relationship, and I'm not going to settle on someone good enough, why would I settle for an empty physical symbol of a relationship?
When sex is the foundation for a relationship, and nothing else replaces it as the foundation, what will happen when, and if, God forbid, something happens so that we can't have sex? What if one, or both, of us is disabled in a way so that we can't have sex? What if we have to be apart for an extended amount of time?
If we have nothing else in common that we are equally passionate about, how do we continue the relationship when sex can no longer be a part of it?
Yes, I believe the act of sex is an integral part to a relationship. However, I think of it as symbolic of the mutual intimacy, love, and all those good relationship things, we feel for each other. Sex does not equal love, intimacy, respect, trust, admiration, etc. It is a physical act that can express those feelings, but it does not equal them. It's also one of those things that, given extenuating circumstances, is not 100% crucial to having a healthy relationship. Thankfully, there are several ways you and your partner can express your feelings for one another.
I'm looking for a husband. I'm not looking for a husband so I can have a wedding (although, I would like to celebrate the milestone with loved ones). I'm not looking for a husband to validate me as a human. I'm looking for a husband so I may be a part of a marriage. I desire a partner to share the experience of life. Yeah, I can do it on my own, and with miscellaneous other people, but I want the total package, the commitment. I want the freaking fairy tale, and I 100% deserve it.
Relationships are kind of like that rule of physics, where a body in motion will stay in motion until acted on by an outside force. Outside forces affect the relationship, and it's up to the couple to be a team and overcome the outside forces so the couple may maintain their motion, or their relationship. If one of the partners always carries the weight of the relationship and the other always takes a more passive role, the relationship is weakened over time because the passive partner isn't building strength to overcome the force and the dominant partner grows weary after a while, and loses strength. It doesn't mean that equality must always be maintained in the relationship, but there must be a fair balance to the equilibrium of the relationship.
The other side to the rule of physics I am writing about is a body at rest will stay at rest until acted on by an outside force. When the relationship settles into a regular routine, outside forces can easily disturb it because the partners have both become lazy. While equilibrium is maintained, it can be rather hard to overcome the forces when you forget how to work for it.
Because relationships are constantly affected by outside forces, they must remain in motion, each partner always working as a team, as balanced as possible, to overcome the outside forces. It's impossible for each partner of the couple to fiercely maintain their independence because it takes power away from the couple itself.
While my last relationship didn't work out, it was a great learning experience. I gained a great friend, discovered I am capable of long term commitment, and know that in my next relationship, I have to have someone dedicated to working on the relationship, as it evolves. I also learned how sex fits into a relationship. Sex seems like just the tip of the iceberg to the physics of a relationship, and I don't want to start a relationship off by building it too top heavy because it is bound to collapse at some point.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
The Little Party that Could
Last year, when I decided to put myself out there for Arrangements chair/co-chair for the Junior League of Lee County, I knew I would be in charge of our annual party. In years past, we did a Masquerade Ball, which was always fun, but interest was decreasing, so my group had to revitalize the annual party and do something big with it ... and all on a tight budget.
We started planning in the summer, deciding we would do an 80's theme party, in October we started working on our vision, in early December we had a date, location, and band, and in early January, with 5 weeks to go, we started the decorations, promotions, and menu.
And it happened, and many people attended, and many people had fun, and we raised a good chunk of money for child health and wellness programs in Lee County.
I have no pictures because I didn't have time to take any, but suffice it to say I was met with some cynicism and negative attitudes, but we did it. We pulled off a fabulous party that doubled attendance from last year and got people having fun all night long.
If you know me, you know I love a good party, and you also know I love doing for others, so this event was a dream come true. I never imagined I would have overseen something on this scale for the first time I was in charge of it, but I am very pleased.
Next goal? 300 people and raise $10,000.
We started planning in the summer, deciding we would do an 80's theme party, in October we started working on our vision, in early December we had a date, location, and band, and in early January, with 5 weeks to go, we started the decorations, promotions, and menu.
And it happened, and many people attended, and many people had fun, and we raised a good chunk of money for child health and wellness programs in Lee County.
I have no pictures because I didn't have time to take any, but suffice it to say I was met with some cynicism and negative attitudes, but we did it. We pulled off a fabulous party that doubled attendance from last year and got people having fun all night long.
If you know me, you know I love a good party, and you also know I love doing for others, so this event was a dream come true. I never imagined I would have overseen something on this scale for the first time I was in charge of it, but I am very pleased.
Next goal? 300 people and raise $10,000.
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