Yesterday, I posted this on Facebook: "This might be why I'm 29 and single (and if
this is why, I will be happily single for as long as it takes), but why
does it seem that every possible romantic relationship these days is
founded on sex? Why can't we build up to that instead of being expected
to start with it?"
Now, before people start accusing me of being a prude, or being old fashioned, hear me out.
I do the dating website thing, I am open to new opportunities, everyone knows I am looking for a relationship (although I think most of my single friends don't quite understand me since they are single by choice). I am surrounded by sex - television, movies, music, advertising, books, friends' conquests, and getting hit on in the most vulgar of ways. And then there are the seemingly nice guys who are all talk and no action. Where is the balance? And being surrounded by so much sex, it makes the stubborn side of me rear its head and I stand my ground.
I'm not going to have sex with a guy before or on the first date thinking it's going to get me into a relationship. If I did, this sends the message that sex is so important to the relationship that our sexual capabilities are the most integral part to the relationship. When the guys on the dating website, or who hit on me by asking me to take them home or to go home with them or something else way worse, that puts sex too quickly into the possible relationship for me. Having sex with someone, just to have sex is wasting my time. If I want a real relationship, and I'm not going to settle on someone good enough, why would I settle for an empty physical symbol of a relationship?
When sex is the foundation for a relationship, and nothing else replaces it as the foundation, what will happen when, and if, God forbid, something happens so that we can't have sex? What if one, or both, of us is disabled in a way so that we can't have sex? What if we have to be apart for an extended amount of time?
If we have nothing else in common that we are equally passionate about, how do we continue the relationship when sex can no longer be a part of it?
Yes, I believe the act of sex is an integral part to a relationship. However, I think of it as symbolic of the mutual intimacy, love, and all those good relationship things, we feel for each other. Sex does not equal love, intimacy, respect, trust, admiration, etc. It is a physical act that can express those feelings, but it does not equal them. It's also one of those things that, given extenuating circumstances, is not 100% crucial to having a healthy relationship. Thankfully, there are several ways you and your partner can express your feelings for one another.
I'm looking for a husband. I'm not looking for a husband so I can have a wedding (although, I would like to celebrate the milestone with loved ones). I'm not looking for a husband to validate me as a human. I'm looking for a husband so I may be a part of a marriage. I desire a partner to share the experience of life. Yeah, I can do it on my own, and with miscellaneous other people, but I want the total package, the commitment. I want the freaking fairy tale, and I 100% deserve it.
Relationships are kind of like that rule of physics, where a body in motion will stay in motion until acted on by an outside force. Outside forces affect the relationship, and it's up to the couple to be a team and overcome the outside forces so the couple may maintain their motion, or their relationship. If one of the partners always carries the weight of the relationship and the other always takes a more passive role, the relationship is weakened over time because the passive partner isn't building strength to overcome the force and the dominant partner grows weary after a while, and loses strength. It doesn't mean that equality must always be maintained in the relationship, but there must be a fair balance to the equilibrium of the relationship.
The other side to the rule of physics I am writing about is a body at rest will stay at rest until acted on by an outside force. When the relationship settles into a regular routine, outside forces can easily disturb it because the partners have both become lazy. While equilibrium is maintained, it can be rather hard to overcome the forces when you forget how to work for it.
Because relationships are constantly affected by outside forces, they must remain in motion, each partner always working as a team, as balanced as possible, to overcome the outside forces. It's impossible for each partner of the couple
to fiercely maintain their independence because it takes power away
from the couple itself.
While my last relationship didn't work out, it
was a great learning experience. I gained a great friend, discovered I
am capable of long term commitment, and know that in my next
relationship, I have to have someone dedicated to working on the
relationship, as it evolves. I also learned how sex fits into a relationship. Sex seems like just the tip of the iceberg to the physics of a relationship, and I don't want to start a relationship off by building it too top heavy because it is bound to collapse at some point.
