Swan song of my 20's

Y'all, it's happening. This is the last full week before I turn 30. Twenties, I had some grand plans for you.

I thought I'd be married and have half a litter of babies by now. (I could go through the list of the guys I thought I would be married to and all the baby names, but, honestly, a couple of those guys I'd like to erase from my history, and the baby names are still possibilities, so I'm not burying those yet. Speaking of burying the dream, I'm giving myself until 40 before I get rid of the baby things I have stored away for when that day comes. Unless my thirties blesses me with regenerated youth I lost in my twenties, I don't see myself with itsy-bitsies at 40. Right now, it's just not for me.)

I thought I'd be a teacher, politician, non-profit director, small business owner, professor, lawyer, massage therapist, and probably a gazillion other things. (Technically, I am a small business owner, it's just not doing any business since I'm too busy with volunteer work and family and friends, and in the interest of full disclosure, traveling when I can, to actually launch. And, I am in leadership positions, so that's a start in politics.)

Seven years ago, I decided if the Space-man and I were still together, we would take a cruise to Europe, fiddle-dee-dee around there for a few months and cruise back. For his 50th and my 30th. Honestly, that's okay. He's a great friend and all, but I'm glad I had the wherewithal to finally end things with him after he told me he would marry me, then, after the fact, was "blessed" with a convenient bout of "alcohol-induced amnesia". Yes, that's really what happened. I'm going to say it, once and for all, I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he let his issues with believing he doesn't deserve anything get in the way of us. (And, OMG, I feel so good right now, putting that out there. It's not exactly a huge secret, but it's not like anyone has actually said it, in those words, yet.)

Here's the thing I struggle with: my health issues. Six years ago, I was at the point where I was so nauseated, I would rather hang out by the toilet than go to class. It was ugly. And pathetic. And sad. Really, really, sad. The best thing to come out of it all was I do what I want and I am more assertive than ever. I live when I feel like it. I might be a flaky person with no direction, a jane-of-all-trades, a master of none, but it's kind of okay.  I put what I knew about being assertive to work. I might battle nausea nearly daily and I might have crazy food intolerances that make going to the grocery store exhausting, but honestly, it just sucks. I'm over it. The nausea, fatigue, pain, weakness, the surgery scars (both physical and mental), constant monitoring of my stress and where my phenergan is, which doctor to see now, which doctor appointment when, now the reflux. I. AM. OVER. IT. There is no diagnosis, just managing the symptoms.

Yeah, I have two homes, a loving family, great friends, a stellar volunteer career. I've read, I've traveled around the Southeast a little bit. I buy what inspires me. I have a closet full of clothes, shoes, and accessories I never wear, and definitely don't need. I have four cats and a dog. I have storage units with furniture, home decor, party supplies, art supplies, whatever. I have books to read for the next decade (or year ... haha!). I am passionate about healthcare advocacy. But none of that will ever, ever, ever, EVER give me my 20's back.

I could say I would give up ever getting married or being a mommy to have my health, but, honestly, that's not true. Because if I felt well, I would definitely want those things more than ever because I'd really feel how much I was missing them. I can tell you though, if I just had one home, my animals, my friends and family, my books and art supplies, my Barbie collection, just enough furniture and decor to furnish the home, and just enough of a wardrobe to have clothes for two weeks each season, I would totally give up the extra possessions to feel better.

Most of my friends are past 30, and even 40. Some past 50 and 60. Turning 30 isn't a big deal. It's that I was robbed of my 20's due to illness. And an illness with no name, and no cure, at that. When there is no diagnosis, there is no path to follow for treatment. It is guess and check all the way. And all that guessing and checking is exhausting.

I'm going to tell you this, if your 20's are supposed to suck compared to your 30's, bring it on, 30. And I don't want to even think about or need phenergan or doctors' appointments ever again. 

Not enough hours in a day, days in a week

I used to be all kinds of organized and on top of everything. My day planner went with me everywhere (and my ENT would make fun of me and tell me to lighten up when he saw it) and it was actually filled out.

I think things started going downhill when I got sick. When I had more doctors to visit than just he ENT. I didn't have much on the calendar back then, considering I was usually hanging out at home, in bed, on the sofa, or by the toilet.I got sick of feeling sick everyday, so I did my best to just chug through it. If I was going to feel like crap everyday, I might as well feel like crap while doing something productive. So, I ended up with three jobs. And, someway, I was still fairly organized.

Then I had surgery, decided to move to Auburn, lived in both Auburn and Birmingham for three and a half years and here I am, absolutely out of control. (Or so it feels.)

My day planner still goes with me most places, but remembering to put things in it or consult it ... yeah, right.

The sad thing about this is it's just me and the animals I have to wrangle these days. No kids, no multiple jobs, just me. And for some reason, I can't get it together. I know putting a stamped envelope in the mail is pretty simple and will take less than a minute, but remembering to is a whole different story.

I'm a hot mess, but I'm working on it.

I would like to blame it on being overwhelmed. Social networking, the internet, Brickbreaker on the BlackBerry, television to catch up on - they're all much more exciting than sitting down and filing. But I have to get back into a regular schedule and get all kinds of OCD again.

I'm sorry world, but loopy, crazy, right brained Paige is having to go back to her old ways. I'm just not getting anything done.

Anyone else have this problem? I mean, it sounds simple, right? Go to bed by 10, wake up at 6, shower, get ready, feed the pup, take her to daycare, run errands, put away the goods, tidy the messes, work, pick up the dog, feed the dog, relax, repeat. Right? But for some reason, it just doesn't get done. My dishwasher has been backed up for a couple of weeks, I called a plumber, neither of us called the other back, and I still haven't gotten my dishwasher fixed. What is freaking wrong with me?

Places to live, vacations to take: The List

Number 7 on the 30x30 is make a list of places to live and vacations to take. This will be an ever-changing list, and it's not meant to mean I need to live/vacation to every place on the list if I end up not wanting to, it's just the running list of places to choose from. Here goes!

Places to live:

1. Gainesville, FL (check into sinkholes)
2. Nearly anywhere on 30A (Florida)
3. Huntsville, AL
4. Knoxville, TN
5. Boston, MA
6. France


Vacations to take:

1. NOLA
2. Great WP road trip
3. Elizabethtown, KY (unless a certain family moves ...)
4. Washington, DC
5. Road trip all over the East Coast with the future kiddos
6. Martha's Vineyard
7. Eastern Caribbean cruise(s)
8. Cruise to Europe and back, stopping in Europe for a while (Greece, France, Italy, Netherlands, wherever else I might want to go)

30 x 30 Revisited

Several months ago, before work got nut-so (or maybe before starting work), I made a rather ambitious 30 x 30 list. With four weeks and six days to go, and a lot having changed since that list, I need to revamp it a bit. And get my tail in gear. (Words in purple are the former list item.)

1. Cook in a professional kitchen - April 2011, Guest chef at Rags'
2. Join Junior League - August 2010, Junior League of Lee County
3. Travel to see Widespread Panic - September 2011, Knoxville
4. Become a doula - Spring 2010
5. Begin childbirth educator courses Former: Become a childbirth educator
6. See Elton John
7. Make a list of places I would like to live and vacations to take
8. Create business plans for future business ventures, and map out a career plan
9. Have awesome concert tickets - done!
10. See Mickey Hart Band - April 2012
11. Go to a music festival outside of Birmingham - October 2012, Harvest Moon Festival, Callaway Gardens
12. Get away, somewhere, for at least a weekend. Auburn doesn't count. Former: Go on a vacation to Callaway Gardens
13. Put more effort into my appearance
14. Adopt a healthier lifestyle, honor my body
15. See as many concerts as possible
16. See Jimmy Buffett and do the tailgate
17. Start writing a book.
18. Embrace the final 30 days of my 20's and celebrate
19. Get a dog - March 2012
20. Be assertive, not bitch-y
21. Do a total spa day (massage, hair, nails, makeup)
22. Have a fabulous 30th birthday party Former: Celebrate the 30th at the beach with an Arabian Nights themed party (alternative plan: private)
23. Take on a great charity project and complete it
24. Get organized, once and for all Former: Establish and follow a wonderful organizational/filing system, a financial plan, start retirement fund, sort out wardrobe
25. Commit to a city
26. Launch a business
27. Start the Porsche fund
28. Embrace a new hobby - Bass guitar
29. Get some more ink!
30. Start the next bucket list Former: Get out of the townhome. Let that baby go! (Unless Highland Park gets rid of the riff raff.)