Can I be done with dating? Please?
I'm not sure how this breakup thing is supposed to work, but I find it odd I was totally okay with it (I mean, I initiated the breakup, after all) until I jumped back in the dating pool.
I am reminded daily of how good the Space-man and I fit together. And we skipped all that dating business. It was meet, talk all night, go our separate ways, meet again, talk all night, and, oops!, I'm somebody's girlfriend. It was a very magical time in my life, let me say.
And then today I just happened upon Amy Grant's "I Will Remember You." Cue the tears. (Bythe way, the lines that really got me were "One word we never could learn/Goodbye." Y'all, it wasn't just tears. It was a full-blown meltdown.
I've been pondering what will happen to us. It's gonna get awkward at some point if we stay this involved with each other, and I get into another serious relationship. I'm ready to get married. To be a wife. And to be a mother. Before him, even though I knew I wanted that stuff, I sometimes wondered if it was really for me. I was so good at being single. One of my Facebook friends (i.e. not super close friends, but more friends than acquaintances) even put something to the effect of "What do you mean your're 'in a relationship?' People like you and me are supposed to be single." I was single like that.
I did a near 180 when we got together. And, more importantly, I didn't look back long enough to want my old life back. I realized how good I was at being ... a housewife.
I always thought I would be one of those wives/mothers who worked. Outside of the home. Because she just needed some time where she could be herself, not someone's wife or mother. To the point of taking offense when a guy said he wanted his wife to stay home and for him to totally provide. Honestly, I still take offense to that notion since I view marriage as a partnership.
Don't get me wrong, I have every intention of having "me" time when my day comes. Bible studies, lunch groups, girls' nights, mani-pedis (by. my. self.), massages (maybe I'll share with the hubs) - the possibilities are endless. I just see myself as having a more meaningful role in the home than I thought five years ago.
I think it's important to throw in here what didn't work in our relationship. I wanted to get married and he didn't. I also was stricken with baby fever after the initial shock of my grandfather's sudden illness and passing away. He didn't want any more babies. We both felt strongly about adoption, and I think he was a bit open to older child adoption, but he was too old to adopt a baby (not that he wanted to be a 40+ year old father to an infant) and I am too young to adopt a teenager.
Yes, I used Facebook status updates as a tool to complain about him doing "Space" things.
But that stuff isn't what life is all about.
He was my partner. He had my back the best he thought. He cooked really really really good meals for me. I had someone to cook for. We watched TV together. We read together. We played with the cats together. We even raised two cats together. (We barely made it through that one!) I had someone to shop for. I also had a stepson to shop for :) We put away laundry together. He did the hangers and other putting away, I did the folding. He played plumber when I would let him. He changed the air filters. He let me cry when I needed to. He got me into The Beatles. I introduced him to Son in Law. We watched nerdy JFK movies together. For our one year anniversary. We watched all kinds of good movies together.
I just can't say goodbye right now. He's more than just my ex-boyfriend. He is my best friend. When I got sick, and began to realize I wasn't getting better (thankfully, not worse), he took care of me. He has "been there" for me more than anyone else has during my illness (sorry, Mom, but it's only because he knew the feeling too). And I took care of him when he was sick. Yes, he drank nearly a pint of Early Times whiskey when I was five days post-op and picked a fight with me. I will not excuse that one. But given the length of our relationship and that was the only thing really bad-wrong with the relationship, that was pretty good, right?
I just know that stringing me along, just enough to stay on my radar, isn't how you get me for a girlfriend. And just having to deal with ignorant, close-minded, assholes is not helping me along in the dating world. (No one person in particular, there. Just a general assessment.) It's actually setting me back.
I know how I deserve to be treated and I know where I can go to get that. (Except for the whole marriage and babies thing.)
