Because no good blog series would be complete without a love life pondering, and because it's so much information to work into the previous, here's what was going on in my love life during all this.
Like I said, The Boyfriend and I were off and on through the beginning of this. We finally broke up in October 2010, and soon after I met a boy. This boy was nice, and Auburn fan, not much older than me, a Christian. We were so alike, yet so different. He encouraged me to be me and we would have long talks over beer and wine, philosophizing the ways of the world. While on certain issues we didn't have the same beliefs, we had the same intentions, which was for good and love, and that is what seemed to matter most. I was pretty much convinced this was the guy I was going to marry. Only, he had a girlfriend.
Because I didn't want any bad karma going into a relationship I was certain would end up in marriage, I didn't put my hands on him more than to give him a hug and I never kissed him. I never even expressed my deepest feelings about him to him until after he and his girlfriend broke up. And then they did break up. And then he started saying things to me that indicated he was, indeed, interested in me. But he never pursued those things he said. This whole song and dance went on for over three years. Finally, one morning he started saying things to me again, and it went on into the afternoon, but he never acted on them. And finally, I said my peace. I made sure he knew how I really felt about him, and I made sure he knew I was rather frustrated with him not ever following through. After that, we haven't had much to do with each other.
Before things finally ended with him, I met another guy. He was cute and fun and I think saying we're the same kind of weird sums up our relationship. And it turned out he has a girlfriend, too. This one, I went a little farther with. We kissed and shared our feelings for each other. Realistically, I knew he wasn't going to break up with his girlfriend for me. And I knew if he did, or if we ever ended up together, I was likely setting myself up to be cheated on. Emotions hit a high and we had to cool it down. This guy is my best friend, and while sometimes our feelings for each other have been confusing, we're better off as best friends, in a relationship with a boundary where we can be completely ourselves with each other. I don't want to be married to him. I cherish this guy and love our friendship and connection, but he's not The One. We might be the same kind of weird, but we're two completely different people and we view the world from completely different angles.
And then there was this third guy. I met him randomly. Because I didn't know him before I met him, or got the chance to get to know him over time from running into him on a regular basis, I was very content to enjoy the time I had with him and work on getting to know him. I was into the taking it slow with him. I enjoyed goofing off with him and learning about him and letting him learn about me. But we had different intentions for the relationship and I decided we were better off as friends, rather than me compromising my desires to get into a relationship that was probably not going to lead to marriage. (And while I'm not sure he was in a relationship when we met, and he wouldn't exactly admit to it being a relationship, he pretty much sounded like he was.)
At this time, work on the business was getting into full swing and I poured myself into it. I considered getting back together with my ex boyfriend, but I knew if I did, nothing would change. So, I sat still for a while and waited.
And I met this guy. This one wasn't a boy. He's a man. A tall, Southern, manly man. He's completely different from any guy in my history. I had no expectations when I met him, and I enjoyed just going with the flow. We both had a lot going on when we started this whatever-it-was and it became clear that we just didn't have time for each other. If I made time for him, I sacrificed other commitments and projects. Also, a bunch of people who knew us seemed to be getting in our business, and while I am sure they had good intentions, it really took the fun out of us getting to know each other and taking it slow. So, it didn't work out.
Something about this last one has done a number on me. I'm beginning to realize why I might have met him. I'm not saying there is a relationship to go anywhere with, but I'm not saying our time of knowing each other is finished, either. We are on speaking terms and I know I can reach out to him if I ever feel like I need him for whatever reason, but I'm not there yet. I'm not sure it's a good idea. So, I will just let the chips fall where they may. If we see each other, we see each other. If he wants to call me or see me, he will. I have no reason to anticipate a possible romantic relationship with him in the future, so this is not where I'm going with this. But he got me feeling. And thinking.
I know that I felt more in the month of February than I have in the past year (not just him, other things happened, as well). I've been on autopilot, just barely functioning, the past year, and then, BOOM!, I meet this guy. Meeting him has turned my world upside down. This world I created for myself that I am not at all satisfied with. We don't know much about each other, so it's been bothering me that I've been so wound up over someone I don't really know. But that's logic. That's left brained stuff. The right brained side of me (that really developed during all the chaos of the past few years), well, it's just a feeling. I may not be able to tell you anything concrete about him (I actually can), but I know he's a good person. He does right by others. I look at him, and I feel like I know everything about him, even though I really know the tip-tippiest-tip of the iceberg. He seeks goodness. He knows what is just. Within a few minutes of meeting him, I completely trusted him. (And given the way we met, that was kind of important because I had to trust him. I had to believe he was a good person. I put my security and safety in his hands.) Yes, I put myself in the situation to do so, but he didn't take the opportunity to hurt me. He hasn't hurt me. The tease of the possibility that this could be it hurt me. It was nothing he did or didn't do. We suffered from terrible timing.
One thing he said to me got me really thinking. He asked me if I ever saw myself leaving the city and moving out in the country. I was caught off guard. I didn't know how to answer that, at that moment, and give him an answer that fit in the parameters of "taking it slow." I mean, the dream has been to have a bed and breakfast on a farm in Auburn (or somewhere close by). I enjoyed From High Heels to Tractor Wheels so much because I got caught up in a love story that sounded like what I wanted. And there was this man sitting across from me, that after re-reading the Pioneer Woman's book the week before, was a version of Marlboro Man. So, yes, I see myself living in the country, but only under certain conditions. I want to be relatively close to a hospital (no more than 30 minutes away, and even then, in the biggest emergency, 30 minutes is a long time). I don't want to live in Walker County. And at that moment, I honestly just couldn't give him that answer in a way that didn't sound like I was jumping the gun. And I haven't gotten the chance to give him that answer. I just shrugged and said, "I don't know."
But that question hovered over me the next several weeks. And things he said hovered over me for the next several weeks. When I started doing my taxes, I was realizing that my expenses were getting out of control. I have expenses that have to be paid and it's costing a lot of money to get the store where it needs to be. I've cut back a lot on my personal spending, but there are ways to trim my spending. I'm sick of seeing the bill total every month, draining my bank account, wishing I could put it into something that will be more fulfilling.
And the biggest thing is I can sell the house I currently live in. The house I feel like I shouldn't have ever bought. In order to do that, I have to truly get rid of all the excess. For Lent, I began working on getting rid of it, and in order to get out of the house I'm in now, I have to do it to an extreme. Clearly, this process was going to take more than 40 days.
I'm still wrapping my head around it and I'm still working up the courage to and working out the plan on how to execute this. I love to entertain. This house has parking, and more space for entertaining. It's perfect for it. I have room for my hobbies in this house. I have room for a dedicated office space. But it's just not worth the expense, especially since I don't have the time to do those things. And I know I don't want to have a home where I make room for my husband. I want us to have a home together.
Initially, I decided to keep the house and live in it until the time comes to move on, and sell my rental property (that is more of a headache and is not income producing). The more I think about it, though, this new house is a black cloud over my life. It is filled with stuff I don't need, not completely finished, and it is a constant reminder of what I've lost, am losing, and don't yet have. I need to be content with where I am.
When people ask me what I want, when we have conversations about my discontent, the answer is I want a husband. I want a marriage. A partnership. I want to be a team with someone. I want us to hold each other up and challenge each other's personal growth. I want us to build a life together. I can't control when, or if, that will happen. But what I learned from this last guy is I want to be ready for when it happens. When I meet that guy, whoever he is, and we start something, I don't want to scramble and stress getting rid of what I don't need. I want to be ready to enjoy getting to know him and building our relationship. When it comes time for marriage, I want to enjoy that time of preparing for the rest of our lives. I've had to wait this long, and I don't know how much longer we'll have to wait to start our life together, but I don't want to waste any time. I'm not saying I want to rush into the relationship. I want to be able to be as fully invested in it as possible. I want to soak up what I have waited so long for and enjoy the moments. I want to be blissfully in love, without stuff I don't need hovering over this goodness.
All this emotional pain I've dealt with the past few weeks, when it became clear me and the guy just weren't working out, and I saw yet another failed potential relationship, I wondered why God kept giving me these teases. Why am I so wound up over a guy I barely know? Why was he put in my life? And then I began to wonder if I was being punished for how we met and how we started (it's a cute story, but the internets doesn't need to know how this all went down yet). But then I know that God doesn't punish us on this earth. God doesn't even want to punish us. He loves us and he sacrificed His son, Jesus gave his life, so that our sins are paid for. I messed up, I know. I behaved inappropriately. But I am loved. If I get nothing out of this, I wish wholeheartedly I could take it back. But I can't. And I have to listen to why this happened. I have to listen for the deeper meaning to this. God wouldn't have made this happen if it wasn't for a reason.
