I've always known I want to be married and have a family of my own. That's all I've pretty much wanted as long as I can remember. I've been planning my wedding since I was five years old. The older I get, the more strongly I want it. And the more guys I meet and things are basically DOA, I can't help but wonder, "why?"
I know that God wired me the way I am for a reason. I know he gave me desires that will be fulfilled. I know it will all come to me in His timing.
God has blessed me so immensely. He has given me resources to be able to take care of myself through all my hurdles. I haven't always used them wisely. But because of His grace, I am forgiven. I am given more and more chances to learn how to use them wisely and am able to learn along the way how to use them appropriately.
He has given me love and support from my family and friends so I do not feel alone on this earth.
He has given me bad experiences so I learn and appreciate the good.
I just keep taking all he gives and using it as if I take it for granted. I don't use it enough in a way to honor and glorify Him.
During Lent, people take on challenges through giving up something(s) or taking on others. At face value, it seems like people give something up as a ritual. It's not that simple. It's about the discipline God wants us to get out of it. While I decided to get rid of the excess during this past Lent, like I've said before, this is something that is going to take longer than 40 days. The discipline of it began during Lent, but the discipline needs to continue.
I'm not saying that getting rid of what I don't need and what doesn't contribute to my life in a positive way is going to get me my husband. I don't believe it will or won't happen because I did that. But I do know when the time is right, I will be able to fully enjoy it.
Where I am right now is to sell my house and move into my rental property. I don't know when that will happen, and I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to do so, but I'm working towards it. This is a HUGE leap of faith I'm taking. I know that God will give me everything I need and He will protect me. I know he won't give me a struggle I can't handle.
Rationally, this makes a lot of sense. Doing this will allow me to invest in my future relationship. I won't have an income loss of several thousand dollars every month. I will have more money to put towards the business and I will have less to handle in my personal life so I can put the energy I need into the business and relationship I desire (that may or may not happen soon, if ever). When the time comes for marriage, we'll have a property we can either sell or rent (and hopefully, at that time, it will be income producing so that we can ease the burden of a large expense).
Emotionally, this is not going to be easy. Others will get hurt. I will be reminded of my waste. I'm going to have to face some ugly. Whenever I desire more, whenever I feel discontent, I will be reminded of what I don't have, whether it's something I could give myself or not. And I will always wonder, especially during the rough times, if I gave it all up for nothing. If I gave it all up for a dream that won't be fulfilled. But, that is the nature of faith. That is the curse of being human. I don't know. I have a lot of control I am relinquishing to God, to something I can't see, but I know is there. (And typing this now, I wonder if He really is there. And then I think of how blessed I am and I remember all His promises.)
There was a long period in my life when I didn't go to church. I've always believed in God. I was raised going to church. And then I stopped. It didn't feel right and it wasn't getting me where I felt I should be with it. I tried off and on through the years, but it never felt right. So I did the "church of Paige" thing, where I had my own relationship with God, in my own way. Eventually, it just wasn't enough to sustain me and I needed more help. So, I started going to church again. I found a church in a nearby neighborhood and I feel like I am getting out of it what I need. Some Sundays, I don't always get the, "Wow! I needed to hear that!" feeling, but most Sundays I attend, there is something that resonates with me.
Last week, the scripture was about "do not leave Jerusalem." To me, that meant don't leave Birmingham. I had to really process that one. I had this trip to Auburn and Atlanta planned. I'm in Auburn now, so I "left Jerusalem," but I didn't leave permanently. I left so that I could clear my head, so I could handle some business down here. I'm going to Atlanta to make professional contacts (and I'm wrapping it up with a Bob Dylan concert, so there is a little fun in it for me). I'm doing this so it isn't hanging over my head.
While I've been in Auburn, I've gotten this series of posts written, helping me process all my feelings. I'm clearing the noise from my head so I can listen to where I need to be. There is so much I can't control hovering over me. And I am so, so scared.
I'm scared to let go of the life I have created. I'm scared to let go of stuff. I'm scared of how I will feel in hindsight. I'm scared I'm going to get rid of something I need. I'm scared I'm going to miss something. I'm scared I will never be fulfilled. I'm scared that, deep down, deeper than I'm willing to search, I am ultimately doing this as a bargain with God, and I'm simply justifying it with the intent of making more responsible choices for a better future (am I doing this in hopes of being so consumed with a family, the love is pouring out of my nostrils, as God promised the Israelites when they were sick of the manna and wanted meat? yes, a little). I'm scared of the upcoming struggle. I'm scared I will fail. And I'm dreading the process.
But I know that I am going into this with good intentions. And I know that this, as huge a step as it is, is only a step in the journey. I have a lot more to work on myself than just this. But I am only taking on this step at this time. If I am able to better myself in other ways as I go through this, that's great. If not, that will be next. I just hope the end result is worth it. I just hope that being released from the responsibility and burdens I have put on myself, with hopes of bettering my life, will be enough of a reward and everything else that comes will be dessert.
I've learned the hard way that certain things just aren't as awesome as they sound. I have been so broken along the way. But God has kept me together so far and will keep me together enough to get through. Big changes are coming and the unknown is scary, but I know that I will be fulfilled.
