I feel so much better after getting all those thoughts out. I really struggled with keeping them as drafts or actually posting them here. Lately, I've been hyper cautious about expressing myself, but at the same time, it's been causing me to bottle up my feelings (thus creating the vicious cycle of anxiety and over thinking and not being able to function because I don't have any room to process simple tasks). I figured I could also just tell people to read it so we don't have to waste so much time talking about it all. Honestly, every time I tell it, I feel like I'm beating a dead horse and I'm so sick of hashing it out and wasting time on it. I'm ready to start acting on it all.
I am actually looking forward to being back in Birmingham. I hope when I get back I can maintain the clarity I have right now and be able to balance the work-personal-home dynamic. I hope people will support me in this decision. They don't have to agree with my choices, but as long as they support me trying to better myself. I'm resisting the urge to go back and get started before I head to Atlanta, but I'm supposed to look at new places to live in Auburn on Tuesday, and when I get that straightened out, I'll know more about where some stuff will go. After all the number crunching, and as much as I could just let the Auburn place go, it costs so little to keep a place here, it's kind of worth it. I am down here so much during football season and having a little vacation property only two hours away from Birmingham, so I can get away whenever time frees up, I think it's worth keeping. No hotel check in and out times, I can bring as many people as the place and vehicle(s) will fit, I can bring whatever animals I want - it's all there and ready for me when I can do it.
I started making a list of mantras and encouragement to refer to every time I doubt myself. And none of them have to do with "I will get what my heart desires when I've done this." I think that's one of the most encouraging things for me right now, since I mentioned previously I was concerned with ulterior motives, that while hopeful and honest, were not good reasons to take this on and could lead to much heartache.
I think one of the reasons I've had so much trouble functioning is because I have so much stuff. I don't know where to put it and it has gotten so out of control, I can't even put my thoughts and feelings in order. I know I don't need it all, and I won't get rid of the stuff I don't need, but really want to keep for the future. Maybe it will go to storage. Maybe when I finally get the needs organized and the let-it-go stuff out of my life, a place will open up for it to be with me. Maybe even I'll have time to enjoy it!
I started my moving and getting rid of it plan. When I was in college, I didn't have much stuff, and I didn't have much room, but I had everything I needed (and some what I didn't need). I creatively used what I did have to create modular stations to dedicate to the tasks at hand. If college was one of the best times of my life, why not bring back parts of those days to my new, simple life?
As for the house in Birmingham, that will be the biggest thing. It's going to be hard to let all that space go. It could be really useful. But I know I dread working through it when I have time and I know when things get crazy, I tend to just throw things somewhere out of the way and never go back to them. There's a lot of out-of-the-way room in that house. I also dread finishing the house. All it needs is tub hardware, hook up the tub and sink, and put a counter topper on the built-ins in the closet.
I don't think my moose head will fit anywhere in my rental property, and I'm really going to miss it for now, but I know it will live somewhere with me again someday.
So, the big house and the moose, those are my hang ups right now. And as much as I love the feel in the current house, and as much as it would be nice to keep, I know I just have to let it go. The several thousand a month it's costing me to not enjoy it doesn't justify it. Of course, once I simplify, I could always begin to enjoy it better, but I don't know. I do know I miss waking up with the sun every morning.
Money. Sun. Natural waking pattern. Simple life. I can do this.
