Grandparents are special, y'all. I have been blessed to know and remember all four of mine. And my relationship with all four of them was so different, yet instilled in me so much.
My Grandaddy - I had the shortest amount of time with him, as he passed away due to complications from Parkinson's disease sixteen years ago. In our time together, he was probably one of the biggest influences in my love for Auburn. He taught me the value of hard work and sacrificing yourself so your future generations don't have to experience such hardships.
My Papa - He taught me unconditional love for his family. He may not have approved of everything I did in my life, but I felt as if he trusted my judgment. And I know if I royally messed up, he would have been there to pick up the pieces. He showed me leadership and how to be a class act at all times. (Not that I always use that wisdom.)
My Granny - She taught me the art of loving others through food. Food was always the center of our time together growing up. She nurtured my love for crafting and creativity (even if she didn't approve of how I always expressed it, ahem, tattoos) and she gave me my sass. And she would always be there to keep me together when I had a broken heart - whether it was health problems, boys, friends, or some random person doing me wrong.
My Gamma - Her kitchen was like the brain of the house. All home operations came out of there - meal preparation, planning, preparing. She showed me that an ideal housewife was way more than a woman who sat at home and did nothing but spend her husband's money. She set the standard for my wifely aspirations - keep the home organized and running, nourish your family, be available for others in need.
With Gamma's passing in January, I am now without any of my grandparents. As much as I would love just a little more time to pick their brains for wisdom, encouragement, and instruction, I feel the power of them all together, all of their energies united for their loved ones still on this earth.
I hope I can honor their memories and carry on their legacy in a way that embodies their spirits and would make them proud. And I am so grateful for all they gave me so I have the opportunity to do so.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Sunday, April 19, 2015
stuff
I feel so much better after getting all those thoughts out. I really struggled with keeping them as drafts or actually posting them here. Lately, I've been hyper cautious about expressing myself, but at the same time, it's been causing me to bottle up my feelings (thus creating the vicious cycle of anxiety and over thinking and not being able to function because I don't have any room to process simple tasks). I figured I could also just tell people to read it so we don't have to waste so much time talking about it all. Honestly, every time I tell it, I feel like I'm beating a dead horse and I'm so sick of hashing it out and wasting time on it. I'm ready to start acting on it all.
I am actually looking forward to being back in Birmingham. I hope when I get back I can maintain the clarity I have right now and be able to balance the work-personal-home dynamic. I hope people will support me in this decision. They don't have to agree with my choices, but as long as they support me trying to better myself. I'm resisting the urge to go back and get started before I head to Atlanta, but I'm supposed to look at new places to live in Auburn on Tuesday, and when I get that straightened out, I'll know more about where some stuff will go. After all the number crunching, and as much as I could just let the Auburn place go, it costs so little to keep a place here, it's kind of worth it. I am down here so much during football season and having a little vacation property only two hours away from Birmingham, so I can get away whenever time frees up, I think it's worth keeping. No hotel check in and out times, I can bring as many people as the place and vehicle(s) will fit, I can bring whatever animals I want - it's all there and ready for me when I can do it.
I started making a list of mantras and encouragement to refer to every time I doubt myself. And none of them have to do with "I will get what my heart desires when I've done this." I think that's one of the most encouraging things for me right now, since I mentioned previously I was concerned with ulterior motives, that while hopeful and honest, were not good reasons to take this on and could lead to much heartache.
I think one of the reasons I've had so much trouble functioning is because I have so much stuff. I don't know where to put it and it has gotten so out of control, I can't even put my thoughts and feelings in order. I know I don't need it all, and I won't get rid of the stuff I don't need, but really want to keep for the future. Maybe it will go to storage. Maybe when I finally get the needs organized and the let-it-go stuff out of my life, a place will open up for it to be with me. Maybe even I'll have time to enjoy it!
I started my moving and getting rid of it plan. When I was in college, I didn't have much stuff, and I didn't have much room, but I had everything I needed (and some what I didn't need). I creatively used what I did have to create modular stations to dedicate to the tasks at hand. If college was one of the best times of my life, why not bring back parts of those days to my new, simple life?
As for the house in Birmingham, that will be the biggest thing. It's going to be hard to let all that space go. It could be really useful. But I know I dread working through it when I have time and I know when things get crazy, I tend to just throw things somewhere out of the way and never go back to them. There's a lot of out-of-the-way room in that house. I also dread finishing the house. All it needs is tub hardware, hook up the tub and sink, and put a counter topper on the built-ins in the closet.
I don't think my moose head will fit anywhere in my rental property, and I'm really going to miss it for now, but I know it will live somewhere with me again someday.
So, the big house and the moose, those are my hang ups right now. And as much as I love the feel in the current house, and as much as it would be nice to keep, I know I just have to let it go. The several thousand a month it's costing me to not enjoy it doesn't justify it. Of course, once I simplify, I could always begin to enjoy it better, but I don't know. I do know I miss waking up with the sun every morning.
Money. Sun. Natural waking pattern. Simple life. I can do this.
I am actually looking forward to being back in Birmingham. I hope when I get back I can maintain the clarity I have right now and be able to balance the work-personal-home dynamic. I hope people will support me in this decision. They don't have to agree with my choices, but as long as they support me trying to better myself. I'm resisting the urge to go back and get started before I head to Atlanta, but I'm supposed to look at new places to live in Auburn on Tuesday, and when I get that straightened out, I'll know more about where some stuff will go. After all the number crunching, and as much as I could just let the Auburn place go, it costs so little to keep a place here, it's kind of worth it. I am down here so much during football season and having a little vacation property only two hours away from Birmingham, so I can get away whenever time frees up, I think it's worth keeping. No hotel check in and out times, I can bring as many people as the place and vehicle(s) will fit, I can bring whatever animals I want - it's all there and ready for me when I can do it.
I started making a list of mantras and encouragement to refer to every time I doubt myself. And none of them have to do with "I will get what my heart desires when I've done this." I think that's one of the most encouraging things for me right now, since I mentioned previously I was concerned with ulterior motives, that while hopeful and honest, were not good reasons to take this on and could lead to much heartache.
I think one of the reasons I've had so much trouble functioning is because I have so much stuff. I don't know where to put it and it has gotten so out of control, I can't even put my thoughts and feelings in order. I know I don't need it all, and I won't get rid of the stuff I don't need, but really want to keep for the future. Maybe it will go to storage. Maybe when I finally get the needs organized and the let-it-go stuff out of my life, a place will open up for it to be with me. Maybe even I'll have time to enjoy it!
I started my moving and getting rid of it plan. When I was in college, I didn't have much stuff, and I didn't have much room, but I had everything I needed (and some what I didn't need). I creatively used what I did have to create modular stations to dedicate to the tasks at hand. If college was one of the best times of my life, why not bring back parts of those days to my new, simple life?
As for the house in Birmingham, that will be the biggest thing. It's going to be hard to let all that space go. It could be really useful. But I know I dread working through it when I have time and I know when things get crazy, I tend to just throw things somewhere out of the way and never go back to them. There's a lot of out-of-the-way room in that house. I also dread finishing the house. All it needs is tub hardware, hook up the tub and sink, and put a counter topper on the built-ins in the closet.
I don't think my moose head will fit anywhere in my rental property, and I'm really going to miss it for now, but I know it will live somewhere with me again someday.
So, the big house and the moose, those are my hang ups right now. And as much as I love the feel in the current house, and as much as it would be nice to keep, I know I just have to let it go. The several thousand a month it's costing me to not enjoy it doesn't justify it. Of course, once I simplify, I could always begin to enjoy it better, but I don't know. I do know I miss waking up with the sun every morning.
Money. Sun. Natural waking pattern. Simple life. I can do this.
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Turn and face the strange, Part 3
I've always known I want to be married and have a family of my own. That's all I've pretty much wanted as long as I can remember. I've been planning my wedding since I was five years old. The older I get, the more strongly I want it. And the more guys I meet and things are basically DOA, I can't help but wonder, "why?"
I know that God wired me the way I am for a reason. I know he gave me desires that will be fulfilled. I know it will all come to me in His timing.
God has blessed me so immensely. He has given me resources to be able to take care of myself through all my hurdles. I haven't always used them wisely. But because of His grace, I am forgiven. I am given more and more chances to learn how to use them wisely and am able to learn along the way how to use them appropriately.
He has given me love and support from my family and friends so I do not feel alone on this earth.
He has given me bad experiences so I learn and appreciate the good.
I just keep taking all he gives and using it as if I take it for granted. I don't use it enough in a way to honor and glorify Him.
During Lent, people take on challenges through giving up something(s) or taking on others. At face value, it seems like people give something up as a ritual. It's not that simple. It's about the discipline God wants us to get out of it. While I decided to get rid of the excess during this past Lent, like I've said before, this is something that is going to take longer than 40 days. The discipline of it began during Lent, but the discipline needs to continue.
I'm not saying that getting rid of what I don't need and what doesn't contribute to my life in a positive way is going to get me my husband. I don't believe it will or won't happen because I did that. But I do know when the time is right, I will be able to fully enjoy it.
Where I am right now is to sell my house and move into my rental property. I don't know when that will happen, and I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to do so, but I'm working towards it. This is a HUGE leap of faith I'm taking. I know that God will give me everything I need and He will protect me. I know he won't give me a struggle I can't handle.
Rationally, this makes a lot of sense. Doing this will allow me to invest in my future relationship. I won't have an income loss of several thousand dollars every month. I will have more money to put towards the business and I will have less to handle in my personal life so I can put the energy I need into the business and relationship I desire (that may or may not happen soon, if ever). When the time comes for marriage, we'll have a property we can either sell or rent (and hopefully, at that time, it will be income producing so that we can ease the burden of a large expense).
Emotionally, this is not going to be easy. Others will get hurt. I will be reminded of my waste. I'm going to have to face some ugly. Whenever I desire more, whenever I feel discontent, I will be reminded of what I don't have, whether it's something I could give myself or not. And I will always wonder, especially during the rough times, if I gave it all up for nothing. If I gave it all up for a dream that won't be fulfilled. But, that is the nature of faith. That is the curse of being human. I don't know. I have a lot of control I am relinquishing to God, to something I can't see, but I know is there. (And typing this now, I wonder if He really is there. And then I think of how blessed I am and I remember all His promises.)
There was a long period in my life when I didn't go to church. I've always believed in God. I was raised going to church. And then I stopped. It didn't feel right and it wasn't getting me where I felt I should be with it. I tried off and on through the years, but it never felt right. So I did the "church of Paige" thing, where I had my own relationship with God, in my own way. Eventually, it just wasn't enough to sustain me and I needed more help. So, I started going to church again. I found a church in a nearby neighborhood and I feel like I am getting out of it what I need. Some Sundays, I don't always get the, "Wow! I needed to hear that!" feeling, but most Sundays I attend, there is something that resonates with me.
Last week, the scripture was about "do not leave Jerusalem." To me, that meant don't leave Birmingham. I had to really process that one. I had this trip to Auburn and Atlanta planned. I'm in Auburn now, so I "left Jerusalem," but I didn't leave permanently. I left so that I could clear my head, so I could handle some business down here. I'm going to Atlanta to make professional contacts (and I'm wrapping it up with a Bob Dylan concert, so there is a little fun in it for me). I'm doing this so it isn't hanging over my head.
While I've been in Auburn, I've gotten this series of posts written, helping me process all my feelings. I'm clearing the noise from my head so I can listen to where I need to be. There is so much I can't control hovering over me. And I am so, so scared.
I'm scared to let go of the life I have created. I'm scared to let go of stuff. I'm scared of how I will feel in hindsight. I'm scared I'm going to get rid of something I need. I'm scared I'm going to miss something. I'm scared I will never be fulfilled. I'm scared that, deep down, deeper than I'm willing to search, I am ultimately doing this as a bargain with God, and I'm simply justifying it with the intent of making more responsible choices for a better future (am I doing this in hopes of being so consumed with a family, the love is pouring out of my nostrils, as God promised the Israelites when they were sick of the manna and wanted meat? yes, a little). I'm scared of the upcoming struggle. I'm scared I will fail. And I'm dreading the process.
But I know that I am going into this with good intentions. And I know that this, as huge a step as it is, is only a step in the journey. I have a lot more to work on myself than just this. But I am only taking on this step at this time. If I am able to better myself in other ways as I go through this, that's great. If not, that will be next. I just hope the end result is worth it. I just hope that being released from the responsibility and burdens I have put on myself, with hopes of bettering my life, will be enough of a reward and everything else that comes will be dessert.
I've learned the hard way that certain things just aren't as awesome as they sound. I have been so broken along the way. But God has kept me together so far and will keep me together enough to get through. Big changes are coming and the unknown is scary, but I know that I will be fulfilled.
I know that God wired me the way I am for a reason. I know he gave me desires that will be fulfilled. I know it will all come to me in His timing.
God has blessed me so immensely. He has given me resources to be able to take care of myself through all my hurdles. I haven't always used them wisely. But because of His grace, I am forgiven. I am given more and more chances to learn how to use them wisely and am able to learn along the way how to use them appropriately.
He has given me love and support from my family and friends so I do not feel alone on this earth.
He has given me bad experiences so I learn and appreciate the good.
I just keep taking all he gives and using it as if I take it for granted. I don't use it enough in a way to honor and glorify Him.
During Lent, people take on challenges through giving up something(s) or taking on others. At face value, it seems like people give something up as a ritual. It's not that simple. It's about the discipline God wants us to get out of it. While I decided to get rid of the excess during this past Lent, like I've said before, this is something that is going to take longer than 40 days. The discipline of it began during Lent, but the discipline needs to continue.
I'm not saying that getting rid of what I don't need and what doesn't contribute to my life in a positive way is going to get me my husband. I don't believe it will or won't happen because I did that. But I do know when the time is right, I will be able to fully enjoy it.
Where I am right now is to sell my house and move into my rental property. I don't know when that will happen, and I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to do so, but I'm working towards it. This is a HUGE leap of faith I'm taking. I know that God will give me everything I need and He will protect me. I know he won't give me a struggle I can't handle.
Rationally, this makes a lot of sense. Doing this will allow me to invest in my future relationship. I won't have an income loss of several thousand dollars every month. I will have more money to put towards the business and I will have less to handle in my personal life so I can put the energy I need into the business and relationship I desire (that may or may not happen soon, if ever). When the time comes for marriage, we'll have a property we can either sell or rent (and hopefully, at that time, it will be income producing so that we can ease the burden of a large expense).
Emotionally, this is not going to be easy. Others will get hurt. I will be reminded of my waste. I'm going to have to face some ugly. Whenever I desire more, whenever I feel discontent, I will be reminded of what I don't have, whether it's something I could give myself or not. And I will always wonder, especially during the rough times, if I gave it all up for nothing. If I gave it all up for a dream that won't be fulfilled. But, that is the nature of faith. That is the curse of being human. I don't know. I have a lot of control I am relinquishing to God, to something I can't see, but I know is there. (And typing this now, I wonder if He really is there. And then I think of how blessed I am and I remember all His promises.)
There was a long period in my life when I didn't go to church. I've always believed in God. I was raised going to church. And then I stopped. It didn't feel right and it wasn't getting me where I felt I should be with it. I tried off and on through the years, but it never felt right. So I did the "church of Paige" thing, where I had my own relationship with God, in my own way. Eventually, it just wasn't enough to sustain me and I needed more help. So, I started going to church again. I found a church in a nearby neighborhood and I feel like I am getting out of it what I need. Some Sundays, I don't always get the, "Wow! I needed to hear that!" feeling, but most Sundays I attend, there is something that resonates with me.
Last week, the scripture was about "do not leave Jerusalem." To me, that meant don't leave Birmingham. I had to really process that one. I had this trip to Auburn and Atlanta planned. I'm in Auburn now, so I "left Jerusalem," but I didn't leave permanently. I left so that I could clear my head, so I could handle some business down here. I'm going to Atlanta to make professional contacts (and I'm wrapping it up with a Bob Dylan concert, so there is a little fun in it for me). I'm doing this so it isn't hanging over my head.
While I've been in Auburn, I've gotten this series of posts written, helping me process all my feelings. I'm clearing the noise from my head so I can listen to where I need to be. There is so much I can't control hovering over me. And I am so, so scared.
I'm scared to let go of the life I have created. I'm scared to let go of stuff. I'm scared of how I will feel in hindsight. I'm scared I'm going to get rid of something I need. I'm scared I'm going to miss something. I'm scared I will never be fulfilled. I'm scared that, deep down, deeper than I'm willing to search, I am ultimately doing this as a bargain with God, and I'm simply justifying it with the intent of making more responsible choices for a better future (am I doing this in hopes of being so consumed with a family, the love is pouring out of my nostrils, as God promised the Israelites when they were sick of the manna and wanted meat? yes, a little). I'm scared of the upcoming struggle. I'm scared I will fail. And I'm dreading the process.
But I know that I am going into this with good intentions. And I know that this, as huge a step as it is, is only a step in the journey. I have a lot more to work on myself than just this. But I am only taking on this step at this time. If I am able to better myself in other ways as I go through this, that's great. If not, that will be next. I just hope the end result is worth it. I just hope that being released from the responsibility and burdens I have put on myself, with hopes of bettering my life, will be enough of a reward and everything else that comes will be dessert.
I've learned the hard way that certain things just aren't as awesome as they sound. I have been so broken along the way. But God has kept me together so far and will keep me together enough to get through. Big changes are coming and the unknown is scary, but I know that I will be fulfilled.
Turn and face the strange, part 2
Because no good blog series would be complete without a love life pondering, and because it's so much information to work into the previous, here's what was going on in my love life during all this.
Like I said, The Boyfriend and I were off and on through the beginning of this. We finally broke up in October 2010, and soon after I met a boy. This boy was nice, and Auburn fan, not much older than me, a Christian. We were so alike, yet so different. He encouraged me to be me and we would have long talks over beer and wine, philosophizing the ways of the world. While on certain issues we didn't have the same beliefs, we had the same intentions, which was for good and love, and that is what seemed to matter most. I was pretty much convinced this was the guy I was going to marry. Only, he had a girlfriend.
Because I didn't want any bad karma going into a relationship I was certain would end up in marriage, I didn't put my hands on him more than to give him a hug and I never kissed him. I never even expressed my deepest feelings about him to him until after he and his girlfriend broke up. And then they did break up. And then he started saying things to me that indicated he was, indeed, interested in me. But he never pursued those things he said. This whole song and dance went on for over three years. Finally, one morning he started saying things to me again, and it went on into the afternoon, but he never acted on them. And finally, I said my peace. I made sure he knew how I really felt about him, and I made sure he knew I was rather frustrated with him not ever following through. After that, we haven't had much to do with each other.
Before things finally ended with him, I met another guy. He was cute and fun and I think saying we're the same kind of weird sums up our relationship. And it turned out he has a girlfriend, too. This one, I went a little farther with. We kissed and shared our feelings for each other. Realistically, I knew he wasn't going to break up with his girlfriend for me. And I knew if he did, or if we ever ended up together, I was likely setting myself up to be cheated on. Emotions hit a high and we had to cool it down. This guy is my best friend, and while sometimes our feelings for each other have been confusing, we're better off as best friends, in a relationship with a boundary where we can be completely ourselves with each other. I don't want to be married to him. I cherish this guy and love our friendship and connection, but he's not The One. We might be the same kind of weird, but we're two completely different people and we view the world from completely different angles.
And then there was this third guy. I met him randomly. Because I didn't know him before I met him, or got the chance to get to know him over time from running into him on a regular basis, I was very content to enjoy the time I had with him and work on getting to know him. I was into the taking it slow with him. I enjoyed goofing off with him and learning about him and letting him learn about me. But we had different intentions for the relationship and I decided we were better off as friends, rather than me compromising my desires to get into a relationship that was probably not going to lead to marriage. (And while I'm not sure he was in a relationship when we met, and he wouldn't exactly admit to it being a relationship, he pretty much sounded like he was.)
At this time, work on the business was getting into full swing and I poured myself into it. I considered getting back together with my ex boyfriend, but I knew if I did, nothing would change. So, I sat still for a while and waited.
And I met this guy. This one wasn't a boy. He's a man. A tall, Southern, manly man. He's completely different from any guy in my history. I had no expectations when I met him, and I enjoyed just going with the flow. We both had a lot going on when we started this whatever-it-was and it became clear that we just didn't have time for each other. If I made time for him, I sacrificed other commitments and projects. Also, a bunch of people who knew us seemed to be getting in our business, and while I am sure they had good intentions, it really took the fun out of us getting to know each other and taking it slow. So, it didn't work out.
Something about this last one has done a number on me. I'm beginning to realize why I might have met him. I'm not saying there is a relationship to go anywhere with, but I'm not saying our time of knowing each other is finished, either. We are on speaking terms and I know I can reach out to him if I ever feel like I need him for whatever reason, but I'm not there yet. I'm not sure it's a good idea. So, I will just let the chips fall where they may. If we see each other, we see each other. If he wants to call me or see me, he will. I have no reason to anticipate a possible romantic relationship with him in the future, so this is not where I'm going with this. But he got me feeling. And thinking.
I know that I felt more in the month of February than I have in the past year (not just him, other things happened, as well). I've been on autopilot, just barely functioning, the past year, and then, BOOM!, I meet this guy. Meeting him has turned my world upside down. This world I created for myself that I am not at all satisfied with. We don't know much about each other, so it's been bothering me that I've been so wound up over someone I don't really know. But that's logic. That's left brained stuff. The right brained side of me (that really developed during all the chaos of the past few years), well, it's just a feeling. I may not be able to tell you anything concrete about him (I actually can), but I know he's a good person. He does right by others. I look at him, and I feel like I know everything about him, even though I really know the tip-tippiest-tip of the iceberg. He seeks goodness. He knows what is just. Within a few minutes of meeting him, I completely trusted him. (And given the way we met, that was kind of important because I had to trust him. I had to believe he was a good person. I put my security and safety in his hands.) Yes, I put myself in the situation to do so, but he didn't take the opportunity to hurt me. He hasn't hurt me. The tease of the possibility that this could be it hurt me. It was nothing he did or didn't do. We suffered from terrible timing.
One thing he said to me got me really thinking. He asked me if I ever saw myself leaving the city and moving out in the country. I was caught off guard. I didn't know how to answer that, at that moment, and give him an answer that fit in the parameters of "taking it slow." I mean, the dream has been to have a bed and breakfast on a farm in Auburn (or somewhere close by). I enjoyed From High Heels to Tractor Wheels so much because I got caught up in a love story that sounded like what I wanted. And there was this man sitting across from me, that after re-reading the Pioneer Woman's book the week before, was a version of Marlboro Man. So, yes, I see myself living in the country, but only under certain conditions. I want to be relatively close to a hospital (no more than 30 minutes away, and even then, in the biggest emergency, 30 minutes is a long time). I don't want to live in Walker County. And at that moment, I honestly just couldn't give him that answer in a way that didn't sound like I was jumping the gun. And I haven't gotten the chance to give him that answer. I just shrugged and said, "I don't know."
But that question hovered over me the next several weeks. And things he said hovered over me for the next several weeks. When I started doing my taxes, I was realizing that my expenses were getting out of control. I have expenses that have to be paid and it's costing a lot of money to get the store where it needs to be. I've cut back a lot on my personal spending, but there are ways to trim my spending. I'm sick of seeing the bill total every month, draining my bank account, wishing I could put it into something that will be more fulfilling.
And the biggest thing is I can sell the house I currently live in. The house I feel like I shouldn't have ever bought. In order to do that, I have to truly get rid of all the excess. For Lent, I began working on getting rid of it, and in order to get out of the house I'm in now, I have to do it to an extreme. Clearly, this process was going to take more than 40 days.
I'm still wrapping my head around it and I'm still working up the courage to and working out the plan on how to execute this. I love to entertain. This house has parking, and more space for entertaining. It's perfect for it. I have room for my hobbies in this house. I have room for a dedicated office space. But it's just not worth the expense, especially since I don't have the time to do those things. And I know I don't want to have a home where I make room for my husband. I want us to have a home together.
Initially, I decided to keep the house and live in it until the time comes to move on, and sell my rental property (that is more of a headache and is not income producing). The more I think about it, though, this new house is a black cloud over my life. It is filled with stuff I don't need, not completely finished, and it is a constant reminder of what I've lost, am losing, and don't yet have. I need to be content with where I am.
When people ask me what I want, when we have conversations about my discontent, the answer is I want a husband. I want a marriage. A partnership. I want to be a team with someone. I want us to hold each other up and challenge each other's personal growth. I want us to build a life together. I can't control when, or if, that will happen. But what I learned from this last guy is I want to be ready for when it happens. When I meet that guy, whoever he is, and we start something, I don't want to scramble and stress getting rid of what I don't need. I want to be ready to enjoy getting to know him and building our relationship. When it comes time for marriage, I want to enjoy that time of preparing for the rest of our lives. I've had to wait this long, and I don't know how much longer we'll have to wait to start our life together, but I don't want to waste any time. I'm not saying I want to rush into the relationship. I want to be able to be as fully invested in it as possible. I want to soak up what I have waited so long for and enjoy the moments. I want to be blissfully in love, without stuff I don't need hovering over this goodness.
All this emotional pain I've dealt with the past few weeks, when it became clear me and the guy just weren't working out, and I saw yet another failed potential relationship, I wondered why God kept giving me these teases. Why am I so wound up over a guy I barely know? Why was he put in my life? And then I began to wonder if I was being punished for how we met and how we started (it's a cute story, but the internets doesn't need to know how this all went down yet). But then I know that God doesn't punish us on this earth. God doesn't even want to punish us. He loves us and he sacrificed His son, Jesus gave his life, so that our sins are paid for. I messed up, I know. I behaved inappropriately. But I am loved. If I get nothing out of this, I wish wholeheartedly I could take it back. But I can't. And I have to listen to why this happened. I have to listen for the deeper meaning to this. God wouldn't have made this happen if it wasn't for a reason.
Like I said, The Boyfriend and I were off and on through the beginning of this. We finally broke up in October 2010, and soon after I met a boy. This boy was nice, and Auburn fan, not much older than me, a Christian. We were so alike, yet so different. He encouraged me to be me and we would have long talks over beer and wine, philosophizing the ways of the world. While on certain issues we didn't have the same beliefs, we had the same intentions, which was for good and love, and that is what seemed to matter most. I was pretty much convinced this was the guy I was going to marry. Only, he had a girlfriend.
Because I didn't want any bad karma going into a relationship I was certain would end up in marriage, I didn't put my hands on him more than to give him a hug and I never kissed him. I never even expressed my deepest feelings about him to him until after he and his girlfriend broke up. And then they did break up. And then he started saying things to me that indicated he was, indeed, interested in me. But he never pursued those things he said. This whole song and dance went on for over three years. Finally, one morning he started saying things to me again, and it went on into the afternoon, but he never acted on them. And finally, I said my peace. I made sure he knew how I really felt about him, and I made sure he knew I was rather frustrated with him not ever following through. After that, we haven't had much to do with each other.
Before things finally ended with him, I met another guy. He was cute and fun and I think saying we're the same kind of weird sums up our relationship. And it turned out he has a girlfriend, too. This one, I went a little farther with. We kissed and shared our feelings for each other. Realistically, I knew he wasn't going to break up with his girlfriend for me. And I knew if he did, or if we ever ended up together, I was likely setting myself up to be cheated on. Emotions hit a high and we had to cool it down. This guy is my best friend, and while sometimes our feelings for each other have been confusing, we're better off as best friends, in a relationship with a boundary where we can be completely ourselves with each other. I don't want to be married to him. I cherish this guy and love our friendship and connection, but he's not The One. We might be the same kind of weird, but we're two completely different people and we view the world from completely different angles.
And then there was this third guy. I met him randomly. Because I didn't know him before I met him, or got the chance to get to know him over time from running into him on a regular basis, I was very content to enjoy the time I had with him and work on getting to know him. I was into the taking it slow with him. I enjoyed goofing off with him and learning about him and letting him learn about me. But we had different intentions for the relationship and I decided we were better off as friends, rather than me compromising my desires to get into a relationship that was probably not going to lead to marriage. (And while I'm not sure he was in a relationship when we met, and he wouldn't exactly admit to it being a relationship, he pretty much sounded like he was.)
At this time, work on the business was getting into full swing and I poured myself into it. I considered getting back together with my ex boyfriend, but I knew if I did, nothing would change. So, I sat still for a while and waited.
And I met this guy. This one wasn't a boy. He's a man. A tall, Southern, manly man. He's completely different from any guy in my history. I had no expectations when I met him, and I enjoyed just going with the flow. We both had a lot going on when we started this whatever-it-was and it became clear that we just didn't have time for each other. If I made time for him, I sacrificed other commitments and projects. Also, a bunch of people who knew us seemed to be getting in our business, and while I am sure they had good intentions, it really took the fun out of us getting to know each other and taking it slow. So, it didn't work out.
Something about this last one has done a number on me. I'm beginning to realize why I might have met him. I'm not saying there is a relationship to go anywhere with, but I'm not saying our time of knowing each other is finished, either. We are on speaking terms and I know I can reach out to him if I ever feel like I need him for whatever reason, but I'm not there yet. I'm not sure it's a good idea. So, I will just let the chips fall where they may. If we see each other, we see each other. If he wants to call me or see me, he will. I have no reason to anticipate a possible romantic relationship with him in the future, so this is not where I'm going with this. But he got me feeling. And thinking.
I know that I felt more in the month of February than I have in the past year (not just him, other things happened, as well). I've been on autopilot, just barely functioning, the past year, and then, BOOM!, I meet this guy. Meeting him has turned my world upside down. This world I created for myself that I am not at all satisfied with. We don't know much about each other, so it's been bothering me that I've been so wound up over someone I don't really know. But that's logic. That's left brained stuff. The right brained side of me (that really developed during all the chaos of the past few years), well, it's just a feeling. I may not be able to tell you anything concrete about him (I actually can), but I know he's a good person. He does right by others. I look at him, and I feel like I know everything about him, even though I really know the tip-tippiest-tip of the iceberg. He seeks goodness. He knows what is just. Within a few minutes of meeting him, I completely trusted him. (And given the way we met, that was kind of important because I had to trust him. I had to believe he was a good person. I put my security and safety in his hands.) Yes, I put myself in the situation to do so, but he didn't take the opportunity to hurt me. He hasn't hurt me. The tease of the possibility that this could be it hurt me. It was nothing he did or didn't do. We suffered from terrible timing.
One thing he said to me got me really thinking. He asked me if I ever saw myself leaving the city and moving out in the country. I was caught off guard. I didn't know how to answer that, at that moment, and give him an answer that fit in the parameters of "taking it slow." I mean, the dream has been to have a bed and breakfast on a farm in Auburn (or somewhere close by). I enjoyed From High Heels to Tractor Wheels so much because I got caught up in a love story that sounded like what I wanted. And there was this man sitting across from me, that after re-reading the Pioneer Woman's book the week before, was a version of Marlboro Man. So, yes, I see myself living in the country, but only under certain conditions. I want to be relatively close to a hospital (no more than 30 minutes away, and even then, in the biggest emergency, 30 minutes is a long time). I don't want to live in Walker County. And at that moment, I honestly just couldn't give him that answer in a way that didn't sound like I was jumping the gun. And I haven't gotten the chance to give him that answer. I just shrugged and said, "I don't know."
But that question hovered over me the next several weeks. And things he said hovered over me for the next several weeks. When I started doing my taxes, I was realizing that my expenses were getting out of control. I have expenses that have to be paid and it's costing a lot of money to get the store where it needs to be. I've cut back a lot on my personal spending, but there are ways to trim my spending. I'm sick of seeing the bill total every month, draining my bank account, wishing I could put it into something that will be more fulfilling.
And the biggest thing is I can sell the house I currently live in. The house I feel like I shouldn't have ever bought. In order to do that, I have to truly get rid of all the excess. For Lent, I began working on getting rid of it, and in order to get out of the house I'm in now, I have to do it to an extreme. Clearly, this process was going to take more than 40 days.
I'm still wrapping my head around it and I'm still working up the courage to and working out the plan on how to execute this. I love to entertain. This house has parking, and more space for entertaining. It's perfect for it. I have room for my hobbies in this house. I have room for a dedicated office space. But it's just not worth the expense, especially since I don't have the time to do those things. And I know I don't want to have a home where I make room for my husband. I want us to have a home together.
Initially, I decided to keep the house and live in it until the time comes to move on, and sell my rental property (that is more of a headache and is not income producing). The more I think about it, though, this new house is a black cloud over my life. It is filled with stuff I don't need, not completely finished, and it is a constant reminder of what I've lost, am losing, and don't yet have. I need to be content with where I am.
When people ask me what I want, when we have conversations about my discontent, the answer is I want a husband. I want a marriage. A partnership. I want to be a team with someone. I want us to hold each other up and challenge each other's personal growth. I want us to build a life together. I can't control when, or if, that will happen. But what I learned from this last guy is I want to be ready for when it happens. When I meet that guy, whoever he is, and we start something, I don't want to scramble and stress getting rid of what I don't need. I want to be ready to enjoy getting to know him and building our relationship. When it comes time for marriage, I want to enjoy that time of preparing for the rest of our lives. I've had to wait this long, and I don't know how much longer we'll have to wait to start our life together, but I don't want to waste any time. I'm not saying I want to rush into the relationship. I want to be able to be as fully invested in it as possible. I want to soak up what I have waited so long for and enjoy the moments. I want to be blissfully in love, without stuff I don't need hovering over this goodness.
All this emotional pain I've dealt with the past few weeks, when it became clear me and the guy just weren't working out, and I saw yet another failed potential relationship, I wondered why God kept giving me these teases. Why am I so wound up over a guy I barely know? Why was he put in my life? And then I began to wonder if I was being punished for how we met and how we started (it's a cute story, but the internets doesn't need to know how this all went down yet). But then I know that God doesn't punish us on this earth. God doesn't even want to punish us. He loves us and he sacrificed His son, Jesus gave his life, so that our sins are paid for. I messed up, I know. I behaved inappropriately. But I am loved. If I get nothing out of this, I wish wholeheartedly I could take it back. But I can't. And I have to listen to why this happened. I have to listen for the deeper meaning to this. God wouldn't have made this happen if it wasn't for a reason.
Turn and face the strange, part 1
Off and on for years, I've written about some of my exploits, some of my struggles, my desires for a husband and kids, my love for all things Southern. It's a lot. I felt like I had to grow up really fast on my way to college, and through those years. I always assumed, like most Southern girls who want to get married and have kids, I would meet my husband in college and we'd get engaged by graduation, and married within a year or so, depending on when the engagement took place and what our grad school plans were, and the rest would be history.
Well, obviously, that's not what happened for me. I'm okay with it. Sure, I'd like to be able to have all that extra time to be madly in love and make more babies, but it's not what God's plan for me was.
When I got The Boyfriend at the end of my college years, I just assumed we'd break up quickly or get married. The longer we were together, the more I (and many others) felt we should be getting married. And then he broke up with me. Because I "should be getting married and having babies." At that moment, all I wanted was him. Forget the marriage and babies. I just wanted my boyfriend back.
Way too soon after, my health problems started. I was in grad school. I had a broken heart. I was volunteering like crazy. And I was freaking out because my life wasn't going according to the plan I thought it would. My left brained personality had no clue how to process, function, experience all this right brained life I was experiencing.
The decision to drop out of my grad school program did not come lightly. I attempted starting another one, but that was too much for me with my health problems. I got my boyfriend back. I was searching for answers to my health woes, and I completely believed I would get answers. (Because, well, how in the world could someone feel so bad for so long? Um, as it turns out, it happens all the time to many people. It just isn't talked about because people can't wrap their heads around it.) I was working three jobs, and I was able to get my first house.
By the end of the first year of owning the house, my boyfriend and I were living together, with our many cats and a rabbit, and I was living the almost dream. I did the laundry, the grocery shopping, paid the bills, worked my flexible job, took the animals to the vet, and nursed my fatigue and nausea in between. Some days were terrible, some were splendid. But I still found myself dreaming for more.
Then my grandfather died.
Those three weeks he was in the hospital, watching him go downhill and not seeing the doctors do anything (while they remained positive or unconcerned about his declining health), and then losing my grandfather, my Papa, wow ... I just couldn't handle it. I realized I had to start making some changes in my life if I wanted to have anyone left to celebrate it with. I also realized that I was following a path I thought I should take, instead of following my heart.
My boyfriend wasn't down with getting married. He had always been upfront about it with me, but there would be times he would say things that made my young, naive heart and mind think, "If I just give it some time, he'll come around." Some of his family and friends said the same thing, so that didn't exactly help my judgment.
And then I had my gall bladder removed. And then things started spiraling.
I moved to Auburn. I had this grand plan to downsize my possessions and move into this tiny condo. My mother talked me out of it. I kept the tiny condo and bought more stuff. Before I knew it, I had at least double of everything. One for Auburn, one for Birmingham. My boyfriend and I were off and on. (And we finally, finally broke up.) My health problems were multiplying. It was getting nuts. I needed an outlet, and I found it in Widespread Panic concerts, especially ones I had to travel for.
I also decided to start a home-based arts and crafts business. Between travelling between Auburn and Birmingham all the time, and not having much room to start the business in either place, I realized I had to make some changes.
My grandmothers were both in declining health, and I felt like I was needing to be back in Birmingham a lot. I also had more room (but not enough) there to launch the business. So, I made the hard decision to come back, and (until the past couple months) I completely regretted it. And then I made the decision to rent my house in Birmingham and buy another house in Birmingham. (I had good logic on that decision - good neighborhood, good floorplan, good schools, big enough so I would never have to move again, etc.)
Buying that house should never have happened. I spent way more money than I should have on contractors and handymen. The work dragged on for months. Something that seriously, realistically should have been done in three months took over six before I finally gave up and got the workers out of my house and tabled the updates and repairs. I spent way too much money because I didn't have the room and time to sort through boxes of stored items I just bought more stuff. Absolutely out of control.
In the past year, I immersed myself in launching my business, which evolved into a boutique and gift shop and got my house livable, but not finished. Both my grandmothers died within just over a year of each other, one of them before she could even see the house I bought. Both before they could take advantage of the house I bought that I was making changes to in anticipation of them being there more, and making modifications so they could be there easier.
But every time I see where the house isn't what I want. Every time I can't fit something somewhere just so. Every time I can't decide how to finish a project. Every time a light bulb blows or something breaks. Every time something isn't right with that house, I am reminded I should not have bought it.
Now that things are beginning to settle down, I realize the hectic life was distracting me from the real problems. I bought into the idea that I needed more, instead of staying focused on the original goal, which was to downsize and breathe some fresh air. I kept buying shit to distract me from what wasn't right with my life and to cover up my previous impulsive choices. I kept buying stuff in anticipation of the future, when I don't know what the future holds.
Well, obviously, that's not what happened for me. I'm okay with it. Sure, I'd like to be able to have all that extra time to be madly in love and make more babies, but it's not what God's plan for me was.
When I got The Boyfriend at the end of my college years, I just assumed we'd break up quickly or get married. The longer we were together, the more I (and many others) felt we should be getting married. And then he broke up with me. Because I "should be getting married and having babies." At that moment, all I wanted was him. Forget the marriage and babies. I just wanted my boyfriend back.
Way too soon after, my health problems started. I was in grad school. I had a broken heart. I was volunteering like crazy. And I was freaking out because my life wasn't going according to the plan I thought it would. My left brained personality had no clue how to process, function, experience all this right brained life I was experiencing.
The decision to drop out of my grad school program did not come lightly. I attempted starting another one, but that was too much for me with my health problems. I got my boyfriend back. I was searching for answers to my health woes, and I completely believed I would get answers. (Because, well, how in the world could someone feel so bad for so long? Um, as it turns out, it happens all the time to many people. It just isn't talked about because people can't wrap their heads around it.) I was working three jobs, and I was able to get my first house.
By the end of the first year of owning the house, my boyfriend and I were living together, with our many cats and a rabbit, and I was living the almost dream. I did the laundry, the grocery shopping, paid the bills, worked my flexible job, took the animals to the vet, and nursed my fatigue and nausea in between. Some days were terrible, some were splendid. But I still found myself dreaming for more.
Then my grandfather died.
Those three weeks he was in the hospital, watching him go downhill and not seeing the doctors do anything (while they remained positive or unconcerned about his declining health), and then losing my grandfather, my Papa, wow ... I just couldn't handle it. I realized I had to start making some changes in my life if I wanted to have anyone left to celebrate it with. I also realized that I was following a path I thought I should take, instead of following my heart.
My boyfriend wasn't down with getting married. He had always been upfront about it with me, but there would be times he would say things that made my young, naive heart and mind think, "If I just give it some time, he'll come around." Some of his family and friends said the same thing, so that didn't exactly help my judgment.
And then I had my gall bladder removed. And then things started spiraling.
I moved to Auburn. I had this grand plan to downsize my possessions and move into this tiny condo. My mother talked me out of it. I kept the tiny condo and bought more stuff. Before I knew it, I had at least double of everything. One for Auburn, one for Birmingham. My boyfriend and I were off and on. (And we finally, finally broke up.) My health problems were multiplying. It was getting nuts. I needed an outlet, and I found it in Widespread Panic concerts, especially ones I had to travel for.
I also decided to start a home-based arts and crafts business. Between travelling between Auburn and Birmingham all the time, and not having much room to start the business in either place, I realized I had to make some changes.
My grandmothers were both in declining health, and I felt like I was needing to be back in Birmingham a lot. I also had more room (but not enough) there to launch the business. So, I made the hard decision to come back, and (until the past couple months) I completely regretted it. And then I made the decision to rent my house in Birmingham and buy another house in Birmingham. (I had good logic on that decision - good neighborhood, good floorplan, good schools, big enough so I would never have to move again, etc.)
Buying that house should never have happened. I spent way more money than I should have on contractors and handymen. The work dragged on for months. Something that seriously, realistically should have been done in three months took over six before I finally gave up and got the workers out of my house and tabled the updates and repairs. I spent way too much money because I didn't have the room and time to sort through boxes of stored items I just bought more stuff. Absolutely out of control.
In the past year, I immersed myself in launching my business, which evolved into a boutique and gift shop and got my house livable, but not finished. Both my grandmothers died within just over a year of each other, one of them before she could even see the house I bought. Both before they could take advantage of the house I bought that I was making changes to in anticipation of them being there more, and making modifications so they could be there easier.
But every time I see where the house isn't what I want. Every time I can't fit something somewhere just so. Every time I can't decide how to finish a project. Every time a light bulb blows or something breaks. Every time something isn't right with that house, I am reminded I should not have bought it.
Now that things are beginning to settle down, I realize the hectic life was distracting me from the real problems. I bought into the idea that I needed more, instead of staying focused on the original goal, which was to downsize and breathe some fresh air. I kept buying shit to distract me from what wasn't right with my life and to cover up my previous impulsive choices. I kept buying stuff in anticipation of the future, when I don't know what the future holds.
Monday, January 5, 2015
2014 Year in Review
Well, I can't say I'm sad to see 2014 go. It was a good year in terms of getting rid of excess (or moving in that direction), but - wow! - not that great of a year.
So, let's begin the annual year in review ...
January - Rang it in doing the Widespread Panic couch tour from my mom's house. Cold winter weather. Auburn lost to FSU in national championship game. Cold winter weather. BB King Concert. Cold winter weather. Danced my ass off with II Da Maxx (ortho shoe and all). Got iced in.
February - Cold winter weather. Went on an actual date. Cold winter weather. Valentines Day with my crew.
March - Widespread Panic Wood Tour. Didn't hear "Fishing."
April - Fired a contractor. Snapped on the carpool drivers. Happy birthday to me! Got hit on in TJ Maxx.
May - Eric Clapton, Lady Antebellum concerts. Got all inspired to do the current business model. Dave Matthews Band concert.
June/July - Big blur! Yeast allergy diagnosis. In a walking boot. Missed a lot of concerts. Worked on the business.
August - Motley Crue concert (sucked!), worked, realized yeast free was not the life for me
September - Football season, lease on store, work, Spiritual Gifts Bible Study began
October - Montgomery, Huntsville, Memphis Widespread Panic shows, work on the store
November - work on the store
December - work on the store and open!
So, let's begin the annual year in review ...
January - Rang it in doing the Widespread Panic couch tour from my mom's house. Cold winter weather. Auburn lost to FSU in national championship game. Cold winter weather. BB King Concert. Cold winter weather. Danced my ass off with II Da Maxx (ortho shoe and all). Got iced in.
February - Cold winter weather. Went on an actual date. Cold winter weather. Valentines Day with my crew.
March - Widespread Panic Wood Tour. Didn't hear "Fishing."
April - Fired a contractor. Snapped on the carpool drivers. Happy birthday to me! Got hit on in TJ Maxx.
May - Eric Clapton, Lady Antebellum concerts. Got all inspired to do the current business model. Dave Matthews Band concert.
June/July - Big blur! Yeast allergy diagnosis. In a walking boot. Missed a lot of concerts. Worked on the business.
August - Motley Crue concert (sucked!), worked, realized yeast free was not the life for me
September - Football season, lease on store, work, Spiritual Gifts Bible Study began
October - Montgomery, Huntsville, Memphis Widespread Panic shows, work on the store
November - work on the store
December - work on the store and open!
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Wow.
Yesterday sucked. I had a really shitty day. It started great. I woke up earlier than I needed to, got errands run, parked illegally at UAB and didn't get a parking ticket (score!), and then I went to the doctor. Like with the tests I was given to take home and collect samples on myself, I didn't fully comprehend everything while I was being told. Heterozygously positive for two mutations of the MTHFR gene, yeast, yeast allergy, anxiety, depression, approved food list, more results to come (and then there was the, "Wow! You must have a really healthy diet! Some things could be better, but you're actually pretty healthy." Don't let my obesity fool you. I may not look it, but other than feeling like crap, I am actually healthy.) ... Yeah, it was a lot. And it was presented so matter-of-fact and focused on how managing the results will make me feel so much better, that, well, the reality didn't set in until I left. And then some things happened later, completely unrelated to this, and that capped off my day. Ugh!
When I looked more closely at the yeast thing, all I wanted to tell someone was, "I'm fu[dged]." And I did tell one person that.
I've written my health journey out before. Well, in bits and pieces. But, basically, a little over seven years ago, I started feeling nauseous and fatigued and I had this annoying, intermittent pain on my stomach. Doctors, endoscopy, ultrasounds, CT scan, bloodwork, a frantic call to my gynecologist (family history of ovarian cancer, personal history of ovarian cysts, GI troubles - an early warning sign of ovarian cancer, and, BOOM! I'm in my gynecologist's office) ... nothing. More doctors, waiting, tweaking medications to manage GI symptoms (and oh my word, the side effects!) ... nothing. New GI doc, more tests (radioactive tests are no fun, by the way ... nausea that can't be cured by taking a phenergan, edginess, sluggishness, irritability ... they don't tell you about all that). Saw a surgeon. Had my gall bladder removed. Still nauseated. Still fatigued. Only I have holes in my abdomen from infected incisions and they heal up leaving painful knots. (And to this day, if I sneeze the wrong way, I end up with an intense pain coming from one of them.) Oh, and I get this random, intense pressure feeling across my mid back a few times a week, usually between 4 AM and 6 AM that lasts about 20 minutes and takes a couple hours to sleep off because it takes that much out of me. Pain and fatigue symptoms worsen. Start getting tendinitis everywhere possible. Thyroid is crazy. ANA (autoimmune marker) barely positive. Three endocrinologists later and I have one confirmed autoimmune disease (Graves) that flares up with the other undiagnosed autoimmune (lupus? something else?). Occasional migraines. It just doesn't stop. And we don't know what is actually wrong, and how many things, creating all these problems.
I don't think some people realize how nauseated I get. As for the pain, I'm so used to it, I don't always notice it. I just keep on trucking at reduced levels.
Dealing with my health problems has been very overwhelming the past seven years. I don't talk about it as much as I should because if I did, that is all people would hear. I also like having the escape from it (if I don't talk about it and ignore how I feel, then I can pretend it doesn't exist). In addition to it being emotionally draining to not know what is wrong with me, only having clues based on what some medical tests about me may say and from paying attention to how my body reacts after I eat certain foods or do certain things, it's also financially draining. Going to the doctor and having all kinds of tests run is expensive, with or without insurance. Fighting for my right to access to healthcare, when I already feel so horrible doesn't help anything. And then there is the cynicism that comes when I am getting a new test run. After the first few times, I conditioned myself not to expect anything.
When people ask me why I feel like I do, and if I have seen a doctor and why if I've seen a doctor I don't know what's wrong, I really don't know how to respond. And it's awkward to be put on the spot when you're the one feeling bad. When people ask me how I could get sore after playing cornhole, that's one of those things about what is wrong with me. Or when I'm nauseated, people think I'm contagious with a stomach bug. People put me on the defensive all the time without realizing it.
Yes, I look physically able, but I'm not as physically able as I should be and I'm not as physically able as I would like. I have had to completely change my life because of this, but I try not to dwell on my past aspirations and instead focus on future ones. Living is draining, but I do it anyway because I know no matter what I will feel bad and I may as well have some fun feeling that way. If I told people how I actually felt every day, we wouldn't have time to talk about anything else. And everyone would just be really depressed.
So, back to yesterday... Yeast. Yeast, yeast, yeast. I'm allergic to it. My levels are over three times what the maximum level of normal range is. There are some other things that showed up that are managed by cutting out yeast. All I could think of was, "And I mentally prepared myself to hear that I have cancer." (Because, well, that's what I thought could be the worst case scenario and as long as it wasn't gluten, I could face it.) Well, it's worse than gluten. And it's not going to kill me. But, it's worse than a gluten allergy. Not to make this sound worse than cancer, but it's very life altering. And the treatment isn't very healthy. (And, I do know a little about how cancer affects people. My Granny had ovarian cancer when I was 15. And that's really bad and really scary, but she survived it. I figured if she and the rest of the family could get through that, well, I could get through it, too. Not that it would be easy, but it definitely wouldn't have been our first rodeo.)
I was given a list of approved foods. Yeast is in so much that when you can't eat it, it's easier to give a list of foods you can have, instead of what you need to avoid. I'll link to that list in a separate tab. Click here for link.
Unfortunately, this is not going to be a healthy diet. I will have to take supplements because I won't be able to get all the nutrients I should have from food. It should make me feel a lot better, but it is something I will have to strictly follow for six months. After that, I can test out "cheat days" and decide how often and how worth it they really are. This is a lifetime thing. And it is very life altering. No bread, no sugar, no alcohol, no starches, no dairy (except plain yogurt), mostly no fruits (lemon, coconut, cranberry and rhubarb are acceptable), and miscellaneous other items in varying categories (no peanuts, carrots, corn, pork, condiments, and probably more I haven't realized yet). There are yeast free fad diets that can be viewed online, but they are more generous than what the information my doctor gave me will allow. It's going to be okay.
I'm making my peace with it, but I also know this is going to royally suck. I can't just go out to eat. I can't just make a sandwich. I have to plan ahead and plan thoughtfully. I can't just go over to someone's house for dinner, and going out of town for a night ... I don't know. So, if you don't want to follow the list of approved foods when you want to cook for me, don't be ashamed, embarrassed, or angry when I bring my own food with me.
When I looked more closely at the yeast thing, all I wanted to tell someone was, "I'm fu[dged]." And I did tell one person that.
I've written my health journey out before. Well, in bits and pieces. But, basically, a little over seven years ago, I started feeling nauseous and fatigued and I had this annoying, intermittent pain on my stomach. Doctors, endoscopy, ultrasounds, CT scan, bloodwork, a frantic call to my gynecologist (family history of ovarian cancer, personal history of ovarian cysts, GI troubles - an early warning sign of ovarian cancer, and, BOOM! I'm in my gynecologist's office) ... nothing. More doctors, waiting, tweaking medications to manage GI symptoms (and oh my word, the side effects!) ... nothing. New GI doc, more tests (radioactive tests are no fun, by the way ... nausea that can't be cured by taking a phenergan, edginess, sluggishness, irritability ... they don't tell you about all that). Saw a surgeon. Had my gall bladder removed. Still nauseated. Still fatigued. Only I have holes in my abdomen from infected incisions and they heal up leaving painful knots. (And to this day, if I sneeze the wrong way, I end up with an intense pain coming from one of them.) Oh, and I get this random, intense pressure feeling across my mid back a few times a week, usually between 4 AM and 6 AM that lasts about 20 minutes and takes a couple hours to sleep off because it takes that much out of me. Pain and fatigue symptoms worsen. Start getting tendinitis everywhere possible. Thyroid is crazy. ANA (autoimmune marker) barely positive. Three endocrinologists later and I have one confirmed autoimmune disease (Graves) that flares up with the other undiagnosed autoimmune (lupus? something else?). Occasional migraines. It just doesn't stop. And we don't know what is actually wrong, and how many things, creating all these problems.
I don't think some people realize how nauseated I get. As for the pain, I'm so used to it, I don't always notice it. I just keep on trucking at reduced levels.
Dealing with my health problems has been very overwhelming the past seven years. I don't talk about it as much as I should because if I did, that is all people would hear. I also like having the escape from it (if I don't talk about it and ignore how I feel, then I can pretend it doesn't exist). In addition to it being emotionally draining to not know what is wrong with me, only having clues based on what some medical tests about me may say and from paying attention to how my body reacts after I eat certain foods or do certain things, it's also financially draining. Going to the doctor and having all kinds of tests run is expensive, with or without insurance. Fighting for my right to access to healthcare, when I already feel so horrible doesn't help anything. And then there is the cynicism that comes when I am getting a new test run. After the first few times, I conditioned myself not to expect anything.
When people ask me why I feel like I do, and if I have seen a doctor and why if I've seen a doctor I don't know what's wrong, I really don't know how to respond. And it's awkward to be put on the spot when you're the one feeling bad. When people ask me how I could get sore after playing cornhole, that's one of those things about what is wrong with me. Or when I'm nauseated, people think I'm contagious with a stomach bug. People put me on the defensive all the time without realizing it.
Yes, I look physically able, but I'm not as physically able as I should be and I'm not as physically able as I would like. I have had to completely change my life because of this, but I try not to dwell on my past aspirations and instead focus on future ones. Living is draining, but I do it anyway because I know no matter what I will feel bad and I may as well have some fun feeling that way. If I told people how I actually felt every day, we wouldn't have time to talk about anything else. And everyone would just be really depressed.
So, back to yesterday... Yeast. Yeast, yeast, yeast. I'm allergic to it. My levels are over three times what the maximum level of normal range is. There are some other things that showed up that are managed by cutting out yeast. All I could think of was, "And I mentally prepared myself to hear that I have cancer." (Because, well, that's what I thought could be the worst case scenario and as long as it wasn't gluten, I could face it.) Well, it's worse than gluten. And it's not going to kill me. But, it's worse than a gluten allergy. Not to make this sound worse than cancer, but it's very life altering. And the treatment isn't very healthy. (And, I do know a little about how cancer affects people. My Granny had ovarian cancer when I was 15. And that's really bad and really scary, but she survived it. I figured if she and the rest of the family could get through that, well, I could get through it, too. Not that it would be easy, but it definitely wouldn't have been our first rodeo.)
I was given a list of approved foods. Yeast is in so much that when you can't eat it, it's easier to give a list of foods you can have, instead of what you need to avoid. I'll link to that list in a separate tab. Click here for link.
Unfortunately, this is not going to be a healthy diet. I will have to take supplements because I won't be able to get all the nutrients I should have from food. It should make me feel a lot better, but it is something I will have to strictly follow for six months. After that, I can test out "cheat days" and decide how often and how worth it they really are. This is a lifetime thing. And it is very life altering. No bread, no sugar, no alcohol, no starches, no dairy (except plain yogurt), mostly no fruits (lemon, coconut, cranberry and rhubarb are acceptable), and miscellaneous other items in varying categories (no peanuts, carrots, corn, pork, condiments, and probably more I haven't realized yet). There are yeast free fad diets that can be viewed online, but they are more generous than what the information my doctor gave me will allow. It's going to be okay.
I'm making my peace with it, but I also know this is going to royally suck. I can't just go out to eat. I can't just make a sandwich. I have to plan ahead and plan thoughtfully. I can't just go over to someone's house for dinner, and going out of town for a night ... I don't know. So, if you don't want to follow the list of approved foods when you want to cook for me, don't be ashamed, embarrassed, or angry when I bring my own food with me.
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